tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48890239039073070622024-03-06T00:44:11.601-05:00Tucked Beneath His WingA Catholic woman explores her journey through infertility and miscarriageJoy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-78183009148299553932010-11-30T09:37:00.000-05:002010-11-30T09:37:17.583-05:00Welcome to My Blog!Welcome to my blog! I'm glad you found me. This site was created towards the end of my four year journey through infertility and miscarriage. I designed it to be devotional style and wrote about a specific topic related to infertility in each post. I am so happy to have been blessed with a precious baby boy and at this point, the blog will remain dormant, at least until I start trying for #2. I invite anyone struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss to read through my blog. <br />
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If you want to keep up with where I am right now, you can read my new blog: <a href="http://john15-11.blogspot.com/">http://john15-11.blogspot.com/</a>. As a warning, this blog is full of pictures and gushing about my baby boy, so if you don't feel up for that, you may not want to hop over there. <br />
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I continue to pray for those struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss each day. Draw near to the Lord, He will draw near to you.Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-61928621743632440532010-09-21T23:57:00.000-04:002010-09-21T23:57:53.347-04:002 Months and a New BlogIt is hard to believe that this little guy<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhes7hP89jAIicdG6rtPdHP3NbUWQx6zIXVMMM0w7DlPgL8CsPrPDxy_797PTHxTXHSGqUvXDs4cF3n9vnKAB6ty45lINCYizs1kKQ8Hx_fohm9kDBsbbAIiloIEjjDMo5BHL5HFHGg_4I/s1600/IMG_3803.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhes7hP89jAIicdG6rtPdHP3NbUWQx6zIXVMMM0w7DlPgL8CsPrPDxy_797PTHxTXHSGqUvXDs4cF3n9vnKAB6ty45lINCYizs1kKQ8Hx_fohm9kDBsbbAIiloIEjjDMo5BHL5HFHGg_4I/s320/IMG_3803.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
is already 2 months old! <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXHekTQvI8CUDiG_mjsHnhfv3SVt99P4utgWjH7tWQF3sN34c5yuEKSUj43KRChEYwdnFn9iZcQM58HERR1cODwAYrspQ5Zx5itn2l41FXPNFj0-rIRgDxlamobRqKkxwAc_LyYYrNvTQ/s1600/IMG_0171-2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXHekTQvI8CUDiG_mjsHnhfv3SVt99P4utgWjH7tWQF3sN34c5yuEKSUj43KRChEYwdnFn9iZcQM58HERR1cODwAYrspQ5Zx5itn2l41FXPNFj0-rIRgDxlamobRqKkxwAc_LyYYrNvTQ/s320/IMG_0171-2.JPG" /></a></div><br />
Actually, this picture is from a couple weeks ago, but it is so cute I just had to post it.<br />
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Now that I am getting settled in, I am starting a new blog. It took several weeks to find a blog title. I guess I should have started thinking about a new title months ago, but that didn't happen. It doesn't help that there are so many bloggers these days that the few titles I came up with were already taken. For a little while I was tempted to just continue using this blog, but then I remembered that I do not want my family and fertile friends to read what amounts to my very personal (though public) diary from the last couple years. <br />
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After having no luck with a blog name, I finally decided to take a look at the readings from our wedding. Since Jeremiah 29:11 was already taken...I looked at the gospel. When I read it, two words stuck out: Joy Complete! I knew I had found my new blog's name. <br />
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Having joy in the title is so appropriate because when we found out we were expecting, we both felt an overwhelming sense of joy. This can be hard for an infertile in the first trimester, and especially for someone who has had a miscarriage. We are so used to guarding our hearts. Perhaps we both had some intuition that this was finally going to be our take home baby. We felt so much joy about this pregnancy that we decided if the baby was a girl, her middle name would be joy. <br />
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Of course, the blog address Joy Complete was already taken, so my new blog address uses the bible verse. Come visit me at <a href="http://john15-11.blogspot.com/">http://john15-11.blogspot.com/</a> if you would like to keep up with us. <br />
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As for this blog, I feel that the devotionals I wrote are (this is not meant to sound conceited) "timeless" in that anyone who is experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss could relate to them. So I will be keeping this site up and adding a welcome/explanation post for anyone who happens upon this blog in the future. You won't see this blog listed under my profile from here on out in an effort to continue keeping this little project a secret from my family/IRL friends! <br />
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For posterity's sake, I wrote out my IF history and added it to my sidebar for anyone who is interested. <br />
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I have always felt that God placed certain circumstances in my life and my friend's lives so that I could be a prayer warrior for those specific intentions. I think I will always pray for those experiencing infertility and miscarriage because it has touched me so deeply. At one point I shared on this blog that I began to specifically pray for my healing from m/c and IF immediately after receiving the Eucharist. I knew that this was the time I was physically closest to Christ, so I felt I should pray for my most personal intentions. I conceived and lost our third baby only a few months after beginning that devotion, but I continued it and soon became pregnant again. I prayed for my healing and the healing of others experiencing IF all throughout my pregnancy and I know that the Lord heard my prayer. It is so engrained in me to pray for healing from IF/miscarriage after receiving the Eucharist, that I continue to do so even now, not for myself, but for all of you. I'm amazed at how many miracles God has worked in this blogging community over the past year, and I know there are more to come. I'll keep praying for you, please keep praying for me.Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-75385135973018216072010-07-29T15:03:00.006-04:002010-07-29T15:50:54.190-04:00He's Here!!!<strong>Philip Andrew</strong><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6BV6L38tqs3rkuvBPCKOJdekM2st79_CEGbAL58UINisSH2UZPfH-hIXcBMleqe-uJ301OFo0PtkIPLWd7UKajq47R6OQM6wKyXlj1-6jTddKoBJsh0SYxVYl_q6FqXAqZYaUMZ9X44A/s1600/IMG_0224.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6BV6L38tqs3rkuvBPCKOJdekM2st79_CEGbAL58UINisSH2UZPfH-hIXcBMleqe-uJ301OFo0PtkIPLWd7UKajq47R6OQM6wKyXlj1-6jTddKoBJsh0SYxVYl_q6FqXAqZYaUMZ9X44A/s400/IMG_0224.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5499407076955619634" /></a><br />Born Monday, July 19, 2010<br />7 lbs. 1 oz. <br />20 inches<br /><br />Thank you to everyone who prayed for us. I prayed for all of your intentions during labor, and prayed in general for all those suffering with infertility and pregnancy loss.<br /><br />Here is the birth story:<br />I woke up at 1:45 last Monday morning and knew something was different. Within the hour I knew I was in labor. He was a week early which took me by surprise as both my sister and I were two weeks late. Being this was my first baby I figured I would follow suit. We went into the hospital around 8:00 am when contractions were only 3.5 minutes apart. When they hooked me up to the monitors they found that the baby's heart rate was decelerating down to about 50-60 during contractions, then going up to 160-200 afterwards. So, I was stuck to laboring in bed with constant fetal monitoring. I was only able to lay on my right side because the heart rate declerated in any other position. At around 4:00 pm I was up to 7 cm, but labor stalled. They tried Pitocin and laid me in different positions, but nothing was changing. The doctor decided to give me until 8:00 pm and wanted me to be about ready to push when she returned. At 8:00, I was still at a 7 and the heart rate declerations were very consistent, no matter what position they put me in. The doctor told us she was concerned that if we let the labor progress, the baby may be too exhausted to get through the pushing stage. She recommended that we consider a c-section as opposed to waiting it out and potentially having to go in for an emergency c-section. We knew this recommendation was coming and we were fine with having the surgery - we just wanted our baby. We were told we would have the baby in less than an hour - what an overwhelming feeling! Surgery went well. Hearing my sweet baby's first cries was amazing - I was in love and hadn't even seen him yet! My husband and the baby were whisked away while I was being stiched up. That is when the doctor told me that when he was delivered, they found his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice. He was also sunny-side up which could explain why my contractions felt so intense so early in the day. Needless to say, we are so happy that we decided to go with the surgery and that our baby was born with no complications!<br /><br />The past week and a half have been amazing. I am so happy to be a mother and to hold my newborn. I cry for joy each day when holding him and looking at his sweet face. Ladies, I want to let you know that everything you are doing and going through is so worth it in the end. You will have a unique appreciation for pregnancy/birth or adoption and being a mother that you wouldn't have felt without bearing the cross of infertility. I will continue praying for you, and hopefully once I get my feet on the ground, I will be a lot more active on the blogs. <br /><br />Here is one final picture of my first time seeing baby Philip:<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3U7a449o0evod9xP5nRSrrbT01zX3I3x1SIrF6GWfhbNypN7ikfIjNlTyV4pkY1v9DDp0fmzCcgZ9pBTlEC_pOpvPXOPACQ7OgpHCyXOJLClbY6LJrFxoMsxGs_nW_N35wOD18uxN6uE/s1600/IMG_0164.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3U7a449o0evod9xP5nRSrrbT01zX3I3x1SIrF6GWfhbNypN7ikfIjNlTyV4pkY1v9DDp0fmzCcgZ9pBTlEC_pOpvPXOPACQ7OgpHCyXOJLClbY6LJrFxoMsxGs_nW_N35wOD18uxN6uE/s400/IMG_0164.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5499415554273842578" /></a><br /><br />"Those who sew in tears will reap with cries of joy." Psalms 126:5Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-89349378152683953102010-07-12T22:14:00.005-04:002010-07-12T22:51:00.103-04:00Now Open for Prayer Requests!It has been a long time, but it has gone by so quickly! I am now just two weeks shy of my due date (July 25th) and wanted to start collecting any prayer requests that you ladies have. I'll be keeping them with me to offer up during the pains of labor. If you have any specific intentions, please leave a comment or you can pull my email address off of my profile. I'll actually get started on the prayers right away as I am in a decent amount of pain throughout these days. It is amazing what an extra 30+ pounds will do to a body!<br /><br />Everything has gone really smoothly with the pregnancy. It got much easier over time as I was able to wean off of various meds and relax some of my monitoring. I have found such peace and joy during this time. The pregnancy has helped to heal many wounds and I am praying that each of you get to experience the same thing one day. We are still in amazement that this is actually happening. Just the other weekend, the hubs and I got to talking about how different things are now than they were just a year ago. Our cat had emergency surgery on the 4th of July and was in rough shape. We lost our third baby a year ago this weekend. The day after I had my D&C, we left for family vacation and had to put on a happy face for the week admist 30-40 of our family members, about half of whom were babies and children. I cried myself to sleep the first night of our vacation because when we entered our bedroom, the first thing I saw was a crib that had not been in there the last time we had stayed in that room (my husband disassembled it and put it in the closet that night - God bless him!). It was such a difficult time and to think that it is just a year later and we are moments away from meeting our baby boy is so amazing!<br /><br />In practical news, I was able to negotiate a 10-hour work from home gig after my maternity leave. I am so happy that my company was willing to work with me on this. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and it is mind-boggling to think that I only have a couple more weeks left in the office! If things aren't working well, my husband is more than willing to let me quit my job, but it is nice to have the extra security right now.<br /><br />You may recall that my sister was expecting a baby just a month before me. Baby Olivia Ann was born over a month early! She weighed just 4 lbs. 7 oz., but is absolutely perfect. She and my sister spent about a week in the hospital while they both worked through some medical issues. Olivia is now 7 weeks old and over 8 lbs! I have yet to meet her in person as they live halfway across the country. We are looking forward to meeting her this fall when we have our baptisms.<br /><br />Although I have not been keeping up with commenting on blogs, I have been following what is going on. I am so excited about all the little blessings that are coming along right now! It is amazing how many lives have changed over the last year. I continue to keep everyone who is dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss in my daily prayers. May God bless each of you with the deepest desire of your heart!Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-89834561304073116312010-06-29T22:57:00.005-04:002010-06-30T12:00:15.569-04:00Check This OutI'm baack! At least for a few posts. I promise a full update soon, but I wanted to share the video at the link below with you. Someone dear to me has been working on this project and from the first time I saw this video, I wanted to share it on my blog. Although not the original intention of the video, it ended up referring subtly to infertility, the fruitfulness of married couples with and without children, and openness to adoption. <br /><br />Here is the link: http://www.usccb.org/marriageuniqueforareason/index.shtml<br /><br />The video is 12.5 minutes long, which is much longer than most anything I'll watch online, so if you want to cut to the chase, you can skip up to about minute 8. If you are going to do that, wait for the full video to load first.<br /><br />As a brief update, everything is going well with me and the baby. I am only 3.5 weeks until my due date and the baby has been looking great at all of my appointments. More details coming soon! You are all in my daily prayers.Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-59804773442936767242010-03-13T12:08:00.002-05:002010-03-13T12:27:41.235-05:00Signing Off...TemporarilyWow! Has it already been a month since my last post? Things have been really busy lately and I am definitely having a hard time keeping up with the blogging/commenting. In fact, the only reason I have a chance to sit down and write this post today is that I accidentally booked my flight home from a business trip for the wrong day, and now I am stuck in Albuquerque until I can fly out later this afternoon.<br /><br />I have decided to take a temporary blogging break. I have several projects I want to accomplish between now and July, so I want to try to focus my "free time" on those things. However, once the baby is born and I get adjusted, I fully intend to start a new blog. I will most definitely post any important updates on here, and of course a photo once the baby is born and link to my new site. And if I get so inspired, you may see a new devotional post in the meantime. I added my email to my profile page, so if anyone ever wants to send me a private message, please feel free. For those of you bloggers out there, you will still see me in your Comment boxes!<br /><br />I hear you guys on the book idea. It has actually been swirling around in my mind from the beginning. I am thinking it may be a good project once I am (hopefully) staying at home. Anyone have any contacts in the Catholic book publishing world?<br /><br />So before I sign off, I better leave you with one last update. My husband and I decided not to take the job that would allow us to move back to our home state. It was a hard decision, but we both feel at peace that this is the right decision for the time being. We are left with hope that in the next couple years, an opportunity may come up that would allow us to move. We will wait for God's timing.<br /><br />And, I am now 21 weeks pregnant - halfway there! It's a little boy. I never knew how overwhelming that news would be until I experienced it. Perhaps it was a little more overwhelming for me because I only have an older sister and so the thought of raising a boy is a bit intimidating for me. But I keep being reassured that boys are much easier to raise than girls and that they have a special connection to their moms. My sister is expecting a little girl. My parents are thrilled to be getting one of each and at least I have someone to buy those cute little girl outfits for. <br /><br />Thank you for all of your support and friendship over the past year. I keep all of you in my prayers each day and look forward to the day when God reveals His perfect plan for your families. God bless!Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-42771455165822046792010-02-15T18:12:00.001-05:002010-02-15T18:12:01.621-05:00Blogiversary and What To Do About the Blog?<span xmlns=''><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>First of all, thank you to everyone for your comments and prayers since my last post. I was truly touched by all your support! I feel so grateful that God has led me to where I am today and I am trying to really enjoy this exciting stage of life. I am so thankful that I am able to experience this. At the same time, I am keeping all of you close in prayer. I heard from a few of you for the first time and still have to stop by a few of your blogs for a visit/comment – this is coming soon! <br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>February 2<sup>nd</sup> marked my one year anniversary of becoming a blogger. What a year it has been! It was probably last January when I decided that I wanted to start a devotional-style blog for Catholic women struggling with infertility/pregnancy loss. The August before, I was having a very difficult time (my 30<sup>th</sup> birthday and 6<sup>th</sup> wedding anniversary were that month) and I decided to get a few books to help me cope. One was a devotional book, and though it was good, it was written by an Evangelical and I found it kind of hard to relate at times. There really is something different about Catholic spirituality and of course the values we hold as far as TTC. I briefly looked online at some of the Catholic infertile blogs, and didn't find anything with a devotional style, so I decided to go for it.<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>I immediately came up with all sorts of topics and fun titles for my blog posts. I found it interesting that although I started by using those initial brainstorm ideas, for the most part, life brought about topics for each week's blog posts and I rarely had to dig into my "blog brainstorm" file for an idea. I had a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy/selective HSG at the end of January, and starting this blog was one of my projects during my week off from work. I knew absolutely nothing about blogging and had only briefly visited a few blogs at that point. My how times have changed! <br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>It has been great to meet so many of you online and to even meet a few of you in person! What a connection we share through our experiences even if we don't know each other IRL. It seems that every thought and emotion that you ladies have posted this year, I have experienced myself. On days when big news was coming, I would sit at work repeatedly refreshing your blog pages for the latest news. I have been so happy for some of you, your successes have brought tears to my eyes and for those who had difficult times, I found another types of tears pouring forth. <br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>At times I wished I had another type of blog. One where I could just post about what was going on in my life, to pose questions that I knew I could get knowledgeable answers to from experienced women. But except for a few extenuating circumstances, I tried to keep to my format. I often wondered what people might think of me, if I was coming off as "holier than thou" in writing only devotional posts. If people thought that I had devotions to all the different prayers at the end of my posts, when in reality I had often just found them through a Google search moments before posting! I am certainly not a model of faith and have a lot of room for improvement – believe me. These blog posts were often the first time I really meditated on what God was trying to teach me through my sufferings. I suppose anyone who was turned off to my blog format doesn't read my posts anyway, so I need not worry.<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>At any rate, this anniversary comes at a critical time because obviously things are changing in my life. Although I still have a lot of feelings that I think I could work through, I am trying to decide what to do with this blog. I will certainly keep the blog active so that I can post comments on all of your sites; however, my news posts will probably be few and far between. I would like to keep up working through my post ideas and hopefully providing support to others through the blog, but it is time-consuming. I have a lot going on right now both personally and professionally that will keep me from my original goal of posting once a week. I am also a bit nervous about some new person finding my site one day and posting supportive comments, only to find out later that I am pregnant and feel like they were "lied" to. <br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>Will I start a new blog? I'm not sure. I would like to be able to post some updates for anyone who would like to follow along with me. I know at times over the year, I had wished I had a "regular" blog so I could post about funny things that were happening in my life, but now, I'm not quite sure what I would write about in a new blog (other than the obvious). One of my IRL friends who blogs recently posted with questions about what purpose blogging serves. Does it do help me in any way? Am I a better person because of it? Does it make someone else's life better? The answers are different for each person/blog. This is part of my quandary about whether to start a new blog at this point. If I just post with pregnancy updates, would that really be helpful for me or others? I know all the comments/camaraderie are definitely helpful, but is the time spent worthwhile right now?<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>I wish there was some way to write posts that don't necessarily get posted on my main page, but that could be linked on the side. Anyone know how to do that? I tried to figure that out for my pregnancy announcement, but couldn't find anything. I'm sure that once this baby is born, I will start up a new blog, but I may go on a hiatus in the meantime as there is a lot to do, and I find it hard to keep up with blogging/commenting as it is now. So, what to do, what to do? Any thoughts are welcome.<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>On an unrelated note, I know that there are a lot of more urgent prayer requests right now, but if you happen to remember, please say a prayer for my husband and I's discernment. We are trying to decide whether my husband should take a new job position (if offered) which we had always thought would be the "dream job." Of course, nothing is perfect, and taking the job would involve a lot of risk and sacrifice. It would also mean we could move close to family which would be awesome at this stage of our life. Last week we were leaning one way, but this week we are leaning in the opposite direction, and both feeling at peace with it. However, we don't have the offer yet, and still want to get some questions answered and make sure we thoroughly think through all the benefits/drawbacks so that we come to the right decision. Thank you in advance for any prayers you can spare! </span></p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-37236367510416853742010-01-31T22:19:00.001-05:002010-01-31T22:19:15.263-05:00A Miracle in 2010!?!<span xmlns=''><p>There has been a flurry of exciting news in the IF blogosphere recently and I am humbled to be able to add my own. The Friday before Thanksgiving I found out that I was pregnant! I had just gotten back in town from a business trip. I had expected to start my new cycle while on the trip. I filled up on all my medications for the month and packed my bag with feminine products, heating patches, and ibuprofen. The night I returned home, I pulled out my chart and realized I was already 20 DPO! Whoa, what infertile woman goes 20 DPO without noticing it (one who doesn't take her chart with her on business trips)! The next morning I went into the bathroom, thinking I had an extra test in the closet – nope, just a full pack of ovulation predictors. I went to the store, telling myself I couldn't be pregnant – a pregnant woman couldn't hold her first morning urine for long enough to go to the grocery store to pick up a test. But the test immediately came back positive! <br /></p><p>So, here is the briefing of the info I know all of you will be most interested in, and if you want to read the full story of how I got through the first trimester, and how Dr. Kwak-Kim in Chicago helped me, you can read the longer post below.<br /></p><p>We had started the month thinking it would be a break cycle. I had just had <a href='http://tuckedbeneathhiswing.blogspot.com/2009/09/more-prayers-needed-different-reason.html'>my surgery for Ashermans</a> at the end of September and we thought we would wait one month to recover post-surgery and then hit things full force in November. Obviously that didn't happen. Dr. Stegman had ordered an ovulation ultrasound series. I wanted to make sure that my uterine lining was thick enough for a baby to implant (thin linings can be a symptom of Ashermans). It also meant I could check the ultrasound series off of my list of IF tests, as this was one thing that we hadn't done yet since we knew, with three conceptions, that I ovulate at least some months. During the ultrasound, everything looked great – my lining was measuring nice and thick, and I had several follicles growing. So we threw caution to the wind and gave it one shot…and it worked!<br /></p><p>In the past, I have always gone a year-plus between pregnancies. This was the equivalent of getting pregnant two months in a row, though spaced out over a 5-month period due to pregnancy/miscarriage/post-miscarriage complications. I totally credit Dr. S for clearing my endo – I have gotten pregnant quickly two times since my laparoscopy in January. I credit Dr. KK for helping prevent a miscarriage this go round. It has been a crazy three+ months.<br /></p><p>What I was doing:<br /></p><ol><li>Eating really healthy <br /></li><li>Exercising a lot – increasing my variety and intensity<br /></li><li>Taking Folgard for the first time (because of my MTHFR blood clotting disorder)<br /></li><li>Baby Aspirin<br /></li><li>Multi-vitamin<br /></li><li>Flax Oil<br /></li></ol><p>What I wasn't doing:<br /></p><ol><li>Femara<br /></li><li>Mucinex<br /></li><li>B6<br /></li><li>Amoxicillin<br /></li><li>Progesterone<br /></li></ol><p>As you can tell by this belated announcement, it has taken me awhile to get used to the idea that I might actually carry to term. I am finally starting to pull out pregnancy books that have long been banished to the basement and I am trying to stop saying "<em>if</em> we have a baby in July." It is hard to transition between the IF/miscarriage world into the pregnant world as other pregnant bloggers have stated recently. I am also feeling a lot of "post-IF" blogger guilt. I don't understand why me and not so many of you. I so very wish that all of you will be in my position soon. Please know that you are in my prayers daily and that now that my prayers for myself have changed, I am able to focus my prayers even more intently on each of you. <br /></p><p>At mass this morning, this verse stood out to me thinking about the process of TTC and all of you. "It [love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." <em>1 Corinthians 13:7</em> If that doesn't sum up what each of you ladies goes through day after day, I don't know what does. </p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-81322190024277626772010-01-31T21:58:00.003-05:002010-01-31T22:18:32.878-05:00The Full Story<span xmlns=""> <p>Earlier this fall I started thinking that I wasn't too happy with how my NAPRO doctor was responding to my miscarriages. He had done some tests and even found a couple of things (MTHFR heterozygous mutation [a blood-clotting disorder] and slightly elevated Natural Killer Cells). However, he thought both were minor issues and didn't need treatment – not even baby aspirin or extra folic acid which is pretty standard for a MTHFR diagnosis. I got to thinking, I have had three miscarriages and my sister has had two. Between the two of us, we have had five miscarriages and have never carried out of the first trimester. I felt strongly that there was something going on – this was not just random.<br /></p><br /><p>For a few months, on the Catholic Fertility Yahoo! Group there has been a lot of talk about Dr. Joanne Kwak-Kim, a reproductive immunologist in Chicago. I knew that she takes miscarriages seriously, that she takes insurance, and is pretty easy to get into, so we decided to give it a shot. I wanted to try to get in before the end of the year because I had already spent so much money in insurance, I knew it would be way cheaper to get all of her tests run in 2009 than it would be if I waited until 2010. I sent in all my paperwork and records in October. Not two hours after getting my positive pregnancy test, I got a call from her office wanting to set up my initial visit! They could get me in around mid-December. I let the receptionist know that I had just found out I was pregnant and that I wasn't sure if I should still plan to come now, or just wait and see what happened (I know her treatments are best started pre-conceptually). She said she would have a nurse give me a call back. The doctor went ahead and looked through my files that day and a nurse called me shortly afterwards. She said that from the information they had, she definitely felt I needed to be on some different medicine and that mid-December would be too late. Dr. Kwak said that if I could come out to Chicago on Monday or Tuesday, they would work me into their schedule (this was a Friday). So, I got on the phone with my husband and we decided to go for it. God was obviously opening some doors for us. I spent the rest of the day at work booking flights, hotel, car rental, and getting directions. We took off on Sunday night and were in her office first thing Monday morning.<br /></p><br /><p>I loved everyone on her staff! We were basically the first people there for the day and they brought me right in for an ultrasound. We were able to see the fetal sac and the yolk sac and we were only 5 weeks, 2 days. This was huge for us, as with our first and third pregnancies the yolk sac never developed. They were also able to tell me within 15 minutes of getting to the office that the blood flow to the baby was not good – the pressure within the vessels was too high. Next, I got my blood drawn – 21 vials! Then they let us leave for about an hour to get some breakfast because Dr. Kwak had a phone consult with another patient – I love that they didn't waste our time. When we got back, Dr. Kwak came in for an exam – she said, "I'll do a quick physical and then we'll go into the conference room to get some <em>real</em> work done." They brought my husband in and we went to the conference room, joined by two other doctors. Dr. Kwak went over my records and was able to tell me three things off the bat that could be causing my miscarriages. 1. The blood flow to the uterus; 2. The MTHFR; 3. The high NK cells. She explained how they all affected the baby and wrote the orders for my medications then and there. Before I left, the nurse taught me how to give myself injections of Lovenox, gave me a shot in the butt of progesterone, and left me with some samples of medicines.<br /></p><br /><p>Her protocol was as follows: </p><ol><li>Lovenox for the blood flow to the uterus and MTHFR </li><li>Baby aspirin for the same </li><li>Metanx (folic acid/B vitamin combo – the 2<sup>nd</sup> generation Folgard) for the MTHFR </li><li>Prednisone for the NK cells </li><li>Prometrium – for progesterone support and for NK cells </li><li>Calcium and Vitamin D supplements (because Lovenox can cause bone loss) </li><li>Weekly blood work </li><li>Weekly ultrasounds in first trimester </li><li>Exercise was limited to only low-impact aerobics, swimming, or yoga; 5-7 lb. hand weights; no ab work </li></ol><p>We were thrilled to finally have some answers as to why we were losing our babies! Also, my progesterone level was at a 30, unsupplemented which was huge for me. When I did my hormone profile a year ago, my progesterone averaged a 5 post-peak!<br /></p><br /><p>We went home for Thanksgiving and my parents took us on a getaway weekend to the Georgia mountains. While there, I started spotting. I waited until the evening to tell my husband and we never told my parents. The following Tuesday, I was still spotting. We had an ultrasound and saw the baby and the heartbeat! I had a second episode of spotting about a week later. All ultrasounds were showing a healthy baby, measuring with to-the-day accuracy and a strong heartbeat. Thank God!<br /></p><br /><p>I had an OB appointment at Tepeyac at 8 weeks and Dr. B was on board and excited about my treatment plan. I think he thought it was overkill (I wondered as well, but found out at week 10 that it was not), but he said why not throw in the kitchen sink? He also said he was going to present me as a case study at their next doctor's meeting. I am legend now!<br /></p><br /><p>The Monday after Christmas I had a follow-up phone consult with Dr. Kwak to go over all my bloodwork results. I was at 10 weeks. Two new issues were found: Elevated Th1/Th2 cells, treated with Prednisone which I was already on. A homozygous mutation of PAI-1 (a blood-clotting disorder). Over the summer, my sister found out she had PAI-1 and I requested to get tested. The results came back negative as you may remember from <a href="http://tuckedbeneathhiswing.blogspot.com/2009/10/green-with-envy.html">this post</a>. I thought it was weird that my sister would have it and I didn't, and always wondered if I should get retested. Well, thank goodness Dr. Kwak ran the test! I have since found out that there are two PAI-1 tests that can be run. One is for the polymorphism (genetic disorder) and the other is a PAI-level (I'm guessing this is testing your blood-clotting rate). I only had my levels tested this summer and those came back normal. I had no idea that the genetic test was never run – once again, thank God for Dr. Kwak! Treatment for PAI-1 is Lovenox which I was already on and possibly Metformin. Because my glucose and insulin levels were in range, she didn't think I needed to go on Metformin, but had my levels retested to make sure they were still normal. She also said to cut back on carbs and sugars and to focus on good carbs (whole grains). This is exactly what I was doing pre-conceptually, but due to the holidays and some queasiness, I had not kept up with the program. Testosterone was also found to be a little high, but the Prednisone works to counteract that, so all that was needed was a retest.<br /></p><br /><p>The blood flow to the baby had not improved, though hadn't gotten worse, which is good considering that the baby had grown from imperceptible on an ultrasound to over 4 cm. We upped my dose of Lovenox to 60 mg twice a day.<br /></p><br /><p>Next we found out some bad news. The blood lab had not sent my results to her office since the end of November! Originally I was asking for my results, but they were coming back good and I didn't want to obsess, so I stopped asking about them. I have never had a problem with a doctor getting my lab results, so I was quite surprised. One of the nurses spent the entire time I was on the phone with Dr. Kwak calling the lab to get my results and during that time they only found the most recent lab (which was obviously most important). The results were not good. In the past month, my progesterone had dropped from 58 (excellent) to 14 (horrible). My estrogen had dropped from 480 (perfect) to 130 (bad). She ordered two forms of estrogen for me, had me up my Prometrium and add progesterone injections. It seemed like overkill with two forms of each hormone, but I knew my hormones would be tested a week later and my meds would be changed up. The next day, like clockwork, I started spotting – the first I had seen in weeks. We were able to get an ultrasound for that Thursday (New Year's Eve) and prayed that it would turn out okay, otherwise we were going to have a horrible start to the new year. Luckily everything was great – I didn't even realize just how nervous I was until after we saw the baby and heartbeat on the ultrasound. It took a while for the butterflies to go away.<br /></p><br /><p>We retested my hormones the next week, the lab actually sent the results on time, and everything had much improved. I was able to halve both progesterone supplements and she wanted me to stay on the same protocol for estrogen. An ultrasound showed that the blood flow to the baby had improved as well with the increased dosage of Lovenox. I am now starting to wean off of the estrogen, Prednisone, and progesterone. Hopefully I will be able to come off of all of them at some point this trimester.<br /></p><br /><p>In other exciting news, my sister is also pregnant and is due one month ahead of me (I'm due July 25). Being my older sister, I am glad that she is able to take her rightful place in the family as the first to have a baby, although I am not letting her have too much time in the spotlight!<br /></p><br /><p>For those of you who have read this far, I am guessing you wouldn't mind seeing a couple ultrasound pictures, so here is my two favorites from the past few months. These are both from 11 weeks. We are so lucky to have picture of our baby's development week by week, and now bi-weekly. </span></p><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT8RQSVvw_EbgZtmPG3iA411UwgmjlmAlRAcKPJ9NPehrtAGAGIWKXHdNyFoRkS751nRPPpUPInxizuVDYyMXzm2RlVJE9zFR-pmd7trqwDp9fPcvf5tyu9Ve5ghOzHAaeOLUqsxKVBGQ/s1600-h/11+weeks+-+profile+(2).jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 144px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433107745375233602" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT8RQSVvw_EbgZtmPG3iA411UwgmjlmAlRAcKPJ9NPehrtAGAGIWKXHdNyFoRkS751nRPPpUPInxizuVDYyMXzm2RlVJE9zFR-pmd7trqwDp9fPcvf5tyu9Ve5ghOzHAaeOLUqsxKVBGQ/s200/11+weeks+-+profile+(2).jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk6gyf95V0SEHR-TS-4xDIkeztKIKzpqX9bHjkSSFzaOg3miRpVCBm4lv_-HBE1oUiT_LASX78B9gcawGDRKDmo237dmDl2f0j2sGtPu1K4IZKyaZwhcSx9NI3EUKdW0Qp6ELYyQq6kWw/s1600-h/11+weeks+3D.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 142px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433107745741716082" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk6gyf95V0SEHR-TS-4xDIkeztKIKzpqX9bHjkSSFzaOg3miRpVCBm4lv_-HBE1oUiT_LASX78B9gcawGDRKDmo237dmDl2f0j2sGtPu1K4IZKyaZwhcSx9NI3EUKdW0Qp6ELYyQq6kWw/s200/11+weeks+3D.jpg" /></a>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-53627551163524220762010-01-18T17:05:00.002-05:002010-01-18T17:07:55.070-05:00God Provides<span xmlns=""><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">I was quite curious as to how much money I spent on fertility testing/treatments this past year. I knew that it was more than we had ever spent before as I had three surgeries, tons of bloodwork, countless ultrasounds and more medications than ever. In all of this, I never knew how much insurance would be covering, and just had to trust. We are very lucky to have an amazing insurance plan. We have truly been blessed by this. Even with seeing three out-of-state doctors and having all surgeries at out-of-state hospitals, everything has been in-network! Being that we get our insurance through a Catholic organization, I am sure that they have a lot of restrictions on what is covered as far as fertility testing and treatment. Hats off to my doctors for always coding my visits and orders in ways that were chargeable under my insurance plan!<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">So, I spent a thrilling evening in front of my computer with all my insurance statements from the year to do some calculations. This may not be totally complete, but the gist is:<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Insurance was billed about $63,000 for this year's events. They handily cut that down to only $17,500, of which I was charged $3,600. Medications kicked our out-of-pocket payments over the $4,000 mark. Overall, not bad at all! Considering that ART procedures could cost several times that amount and that I have REAL answers to my problems and will not have resort to expensive ART "treatments" every time I want a baby, working within the guidelines of the Church really pays off!<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">I am so thankful that God has provided for us this past year. Without insurance, there is no way we could have afforded this level of testing and treatment. God also provided so that we could afford to make out of town trips, some requiring hotel rooms and flights without breaking our budget. And he even allowed us to have flexible enough work schedules that we could literally take days off of work to make visits to doctors and recover from surgery, sometimes on just days notice!<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Looking into our future, we know that at this time next year, we may have a different insurance plan. How expensive that plan will be and how flexible it will be in covering future fertility expenses is a total unknown. So it is amazing to see God's hand at work. I feel that we have covered so many bases and received so many answers over the past few years when we have had affordable and comprehensive insurance. We have been able to check so many things off of our list that we will not have to repeat in the future. How generous God has been with us. He knew what we would need at this time in our lives and He provided. Insurance, flexible work schedules, and access to excellent doctors are definitely not things that I thank God for on a regular basis, but what a gift they have been!<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">"If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?' All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides." Matthew 6:30-33<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">"If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him." Matthew 7:11<br /></span></p><p><br /> <span style="font-family:Georgia;">"Are not five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them has escaped the notice of God. Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:6-7<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">"My God will fully supply whatever you need, in accord with his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><strong>Reflection Questions<br /></strong></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;">1. In what ways has God provided for me on this journey?<br /></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;"></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">2. What doors has He opened that I did not expect? </span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">3. </span><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Do I remember to thank God for the mundane things in life – even insurance and doctors?<br /></p></span><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><strong>Prayer of Thanksgiving<br /></strong></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Almighty God, Father of all mercies,<br />we your unworthy servants give you humble thanks for all your goodness and loving-kindness to us and to all whom you have made.<br />We bless you for our creation, preservation, and all the blessings of this life;<br />but above all for your immeasurable love in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ; for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory.<br />And, we pray, give us such an awareness of your mercies, that with truly thankful hearts we may show forth your praise, not only with our lips, but in our lives, by giving up ourselves to your service, and by walking before you in holiness and righteousness all our days;<br />through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit, be honor and glory throughout all ages. Amen.</span></p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-75048616556507048462010-01-10T22:06:00.002-05:002010-01-10T22:10:35.762-05:00Humbled<span xmlns=""><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">After mass on New Year's Day, we were blessed to be asked by friends to be godparents for their little boy (to be born a few days later). It is always humbling to be asked to be godparents, especially for people who you aren't related to, but this one was especially humbling. Why? Because I remember how I felt that day when they announced after mass that they were expecting. I remember the look my husband and I exchanged when another set of friends exited the church and we again witnessed to the pregnancy announcement. I remember trying to unsuccessfully tune out all the giddy talk that was exchanged between some of the girls while I tried to focus on a conversation with the guys. I remember not responding to the mass-emailed pregnancy announcement that was sent a couple days later (I had already said my congrats in person, no need to do it again via email, right?).<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Were my feelings unwarranted? No, they were true to my situation. Was I wrong to focus inward on what I didn't have instead of on the joy of a birth announcement? Probably. I have a major tendency to be self-focused, especially related to anything having to do with pregnancies or babies. Was I putting up defense mechanisms to protect my aching heart? Definitely.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">But God works with us despite our weaknesses. We see it throughout salvation history. God takes sinful and weak men and makes them the great leaders and figures of the bible. God can take us where we are and work through us as long as we allow ourselves to be His instruments. Sometimes He asks us to do things we do not wish to do, but when we take on His challenge, we find that we benefit more than we sacrifice.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">How incredible to see God taking my weakness and turning it into something beautiful. This little boy and this family will always be connected to us. In fact, we will have responsibility towards this child – something we never expected that spring day.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">"Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are trembling." <em>Psalm 6:3<br /></em></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">"Those whose steps are guided by the Lord; whose way God approves, may stumble, but they will never fall, for the Lord holds their hand." <em>Psalms 37:23-24<br /></em></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">"Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.' I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me." <em>2 Corinthians 12:8-9<br /></em></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;"></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">"For God is the one who, for his good purpose, works in you both to desire and to work." <em>Philippians 2:13<br /></p></em></span><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><strong>Reflection Questions<br /></strong></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;">1. Have I fallen into focusing on myself instead of the joys and sorrows of those around me?<br /></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;">2. Am I open to God's call, even if it is something I do not want to do?<br /></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;">3. How is God using my weaknesses for good?<br /></p></span><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><strong>Litany of Humility<br /></strong></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, <strong><em>Hear me.<br /></em></strong></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">From<em> </em>the desire of being esteemed,<strong><br /><em>Deliver me, Jesus.</em></strong><br /></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;">From the desire of being loved...<br />From the desire of being extolled ...<br />From the desire of being honored ...<br />From the desire of being praised ...<br />From the desire of being preferred to others...<br />From the desire of being consulted ...<br />From the desire of being approved ...<br />From the fear of being humiliated ...<br />From<em><br /></em>the fear of being despised...<br />From the fear of suffering rebukes ...<br />From the fear of being calumniated ...<br />From the fear of being forgotten ...<br />From the fear of being ridiculed ...<br />From the fear of being wronged ...<br />From the fear of being suspected ...<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">That others may be loved more than I,<strong><br /><em>Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.</em> </strong></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">That others may be esteemed more than I ...<br />That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ...<br />That others may be chosen and I set aside ...<br />That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...<br />That others may be preferred to me in everything...<br />That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should… </span></p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-79312818615658637232010-01-03T20:09:00.002-05:002010-01-03T20:14:22.852-05:00A New Year's ReflectionHappy New Year! The new year has always been a time of excitement for me. It helps to have a set time where I can think about what I want to accomplish in the year ahead, instead of letting life flash before my eyes. For me, last New Year’s was different. Instead of excitement about the year ahead, I felt…nervous. I had never sat up on New Year’s Eve feeling nervous about what may be in store in the year to come. It perturbed me because I knew that the nervousness was related to my infertility and miscarriages. Infertility had taken over so much of my life that instead of feeling hopeful anticipation about the year ahead, I was worried about what may be in store. I feared another pregnancy loss and how I would cope. I’m sure my laparoscopy that was scheduled for the end of January contributed to the nervousness as well.<br /><br />But I made it through 2009. It was filled with lots of doctor’s appointments, three surgeries, one pregnancy loss, my sister’s loss of her second baby, a short-lived case of Asherman’s Syndrome, and diagnosis of endometriosis, two blood-clotting disorders, and hormonal issues. I also made it to the magic number of three miscarriages when doctor’s agree extensive testing must be done and they classify you as a recurrent miscarrier. But I found that even with three miscarriages, most doctors still blow off the issue unless they can find something significant in their testing.<br /><br />When I went to write our Christmas letter this year, I gave up and decided to just write a short, hand-written note in each card. This isn’t exactly the type of news that Christmas letters are made of, and we didn’t do anything too exciting during the year other than some visits with family. Still, 2009 didn’t conquer me and I ended feeling thankful for the gifts that I do have. Some of our friends faced so many challenges this year, and even though last year wasn’t great, I am definitely thankful that I don’t have to bear the crosses that some of our friends have been asked to carry.<br /><br />Looking into 2010, I am not nervous. I found that even though difficult things happened in 2009, there was still a lot of joy and happiness in our lives. I am blessed with an amazing husband who is perfect for me. We live comfortably, have secure jobs, enjoy close relationships with our families, and have developed some wonderful friendships. Most of all, I know that God is always with me, even when I don’t understand what He is doing with my life or why He is taking so long in answering my prayers. He is generous in the grace that He shares. His love is ever faithful, even when I am not. It is so easy to focus on this life, to think about what I do or do not have, the dreams that were not realized this past year. It is so easy to forget that I am living for the life to come. I will only find true contentment in heaven. I have cause for joy and hope in my Savior. May this year bring all of us closer to the joys of heaven!<br /><br />“Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.” <em>Matthew 6:34a</em><br /><br />“I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us.” <em>Romans 8:18</em><br /><br />“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” <em>Romans 15:18</em><br /><br /><strong>Reflection Questions</strong><br />1. How has the Lord worked in my life over the past year?<br />2. What non-fertility related goals can I set for myself in 2010?<br />3. What can I do this year to bring me closer to the goal of reaching heaven?<br /><br /><strong>Opening Prayer from Mass</strong><br />Father of light, unchanging God, today you reveal to men of faith the resplendent fact of the Word made flesh. Your light is strong, your love is near; draw us beyond the limits which this world imposes, to the life where your Spirit makes all life complete. We ask this through Christ our Lord.Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-15004982656698420652009-12-21T23:07:00.001-05:002009-12-21T23:08:58.114-05:00Never EnoughI have been working on reading through the bible the last couple years. It has been great to read scripture and learn more about salvation history. After beginning to write this blog, I started reading scripture through a framework of infertility. I am always looking for good quotes (that I can take out of context) to fit my posts. Psalms and Job were especially fruitful and I definitely recommend reading through those books from an infertile perspective. I finished Proverbs the other week and one verse towards the end of the book has really stuck with me.<br /><br />“Three things are never satisfied, four never say, ‘Enough!’ The nether world, and the barren womb; the earth, that is never saturated with water, and fire, that never says, ‘Enough!’” Proverbs 30:15b-16<br /><br />I found it so interesting that the writer included the barren womb. How true that statement is! As I go through year after year, doctor after doctor, loss after loss, sometimes I feel that I have hit a wall. This process can be so long and sometimes it can feel that we may never reach our desired goal. But I continue to press on. Even after my darkest days of feeling that I can’t go on, I one day wake up with a refreshed resolve to continue.<br /><br />Even my family has occasionally told me I should seek adoption after all this time (that is a topic for another post). I know that the situation may seem hopeless to them, or that they are wondering why I would put myself through so much, but to me, there is always something new to pursue. There is always hope. All of the doctor’s appointments, time off work, time spent in waiting rooms and on the phone, medications and their lovely side effects, and emotional burdens have truly added up, especially this past year. When I read on message boards about other women who have had multiple miscarriages, there are so many horror stories of things that have gone wrong. I wonder how many times I can do this to myself without something like that happening to me. I know it must be hard for my family and friends to understand why this barren womb will never say, “Enough!” <br /><br />I have seen the same characteristic in so many other bloggers who I have been able to keep up with for (almost) a year. Some of you have been on this journey longer than I. Some have never conceived in that time. We all face moments of darkness and the feeling that this is too much, but we all find something that pushes us to continue. I know some are working towards acceptance and moving past formal treatments, but the prayer in your hearts is always, “Thy will be done” and the openness to life still remains.<br /><br />I truly feel that God is leading me to continue. It seems that even though we’ve come so far, there is still much to explore. That although we’ve aged, there is still more time. We each promised in our wedding vows to accept children lovingly from God, and it seems that the graces received from the sacrament are working actively in our hearts. We still desire to fulfill that vow, and have made (heroic) efforts to achieve that end. Those graces have brought us this far, and I’m sure they will continue to direct our paths until we finally accomplish the work that God is bringing forth in us. <br /> <br />“With full voice I cry to the Lord; with full voice I beseech the Lord. Before God I pour out my complaint, lay bare my distress. My spirit is faint within me, but you know my path.” <em>Psalm 142:2-4</em><br /><br />“In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.” <em>Proverbs 16:9</em><br /><br />“In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will.” <em>Romans 8:26-27</em><br /><br /><strong>Reflection Questions</strong><br />1. What causes me to feel burnt out in this journey?<br />2. What motivates me to keep pushing after hitting a wall?<br />3. In what direction is God directing my path at this point?Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-32585512821682502142009-12-09T21:03:00.001-05:002009-12-09T21:03:57.392-05:00A Gift of Mercy<span xmlns=''><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>When I was going through my miscarriages, certain words sprung to mind. It is always very difficult for me to pray at these times and these words are what I clung to. After my third loss, I realized that all of the prayers had to do with mercy.<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>During my first loss, I was completely shocked and devastated. The only words that came to mind were, "Jesus, I trust in you." It took me almost a year before I made the connection that this was the prayer of Divine Mercy. For our second pregnancy, I made it all the way to 12 weeks. We saw the heartbeat and thought everything was going to be fine. But one Monday morning I woke up and found that I was spotting. I ran straight back to my bed and sobbed. The prayer that came out was, "God, have mercy on us!" After things started looking bad on the ultrasounds for our third baby, the words that came to mind were from Psalm 130, "Out of the depths I call to you, Lord; Lord, hear my cry!" When I looked up the rest of the psalm, I found that the following verse was "May your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy."<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>For a few months after my last loss, I have been pondering what God's message was to me regarding mercy. When I think of God's mercy, I usually think of forgiveness of sins; however, that was not the type of mercy that I associate with my losses. Instead, I was asking God to look on me in my suffering and to have compassion. To lift me out of the depths and transform my suffering. <br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>I eventually had to ask my husband what insights he could take from my prayers. What followed were some of the most beautiful words about suffering and the gift of mercy. I actually pulled out a pen and paper and started taking notes! Here were some of his thoughts:<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>During times of suffering, we receive intuitions of God's closeness. We are more receptive to God's compassion because we can relate to Jesus' innocent suffering in the closest way possible. In our sufferings, we are raised up and brought into the mystery of God's love. The innocent are purified, raised up in suffering. When we are feeling at our lowest, we can use the words that Jesus prayed on the cross, "Father, into your hands I commend my spirit."<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>Mercy is revealed in suffering. The Father's mercy is always a suffering <em>with</em>, not standing extrinsic from the situation. The depths of our suffering can be reached by God – mercy is never far. We need this mercy and grace to be healed.<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>Until recently, I haven't done much thinking about God's mercy and how it relates to the suffering of infertility and miscarriage. In the times when I lost my babies, if you had asked me what I needed most from God, I probably would have said "peace" or "comfort." I find it interesting that my soul knew what my intellect did not. That God could not grant me peace of comfort in those times because grief cannot be covered – it must be worked through. Even Jesus grieved for Lazarus before raising him from the dead. My soul knew that I needed to pray for God's mercy. And in those hours of suffering, God lifted me up to experience His loving mercy – although it didn't relieve my suffering, it allowed me to experience a unity with the suffering Christ that I was unable to comprehend at the time. <br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>"Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are trembling. In utter terror is my soul – and you, Lord, how long...? Turn, Lord, save my life; in your mercy rescue me." <em>Psalm 6:3-5<br /></em></span></p><p><br /> </p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>"So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help." <em>Hebrews 4:16<br /></em></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity." <em>James 3:17</em><br /> </span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'><strong>Reflection Questions<br /></strong></span></p><ol><li><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>In what ways does God offer mercy?<br /></span></li><li><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>How is God's mercy revealed in suffering?<br /></span></li><li><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>What gifts have I received from God in unexpected times?<br /></span></li></ol><h2><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>Three O' Clock Prayer to the Divine Mercy<br /></span></h2><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:12pt'>You expired, O Jesus, <br/>but the source of life gushed forth for souls <br/>and an ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world. <br/>O Fount of Life, <br/>unfathomable Divine Mercy, <br/>envelop the whole world <br/>and empty Yourself out upon us. <br/>O Blood and Water, <br/>which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus <br/>as a fount of mercy for us, <br/>I trust in You.<br/>Amen.</span></p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-32441852950086669072009-12-03T17:18:00.002-05:002009-12-03T17:22:45.192-05:00SlackingWhen I first started this blog, I had hoped to post once a week. That was going well for a while, but this fall I obviously fell off the wagon. Work tends to be really busy for me in the fall with lots of travel and overtime. This fall was no different, and so posting once a week and commenting on everyone's blogs has not been happening. But I am still out here and doing well! I've been trying to keep up with everyone at least peripherally but haven't been able to do much commenting. I am hoping to get back on the bandwagon next week. You all remain in my thoughts and prayers even if I am a slacker! Happy Advent!Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-47839375680804981662009-11-15T21:12:00.002-05:002009-11-15T21:14:06.844-05:00One of these Things is Not Like the Others<span xmlns=""> <p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Sometimes we IFers stick out like a sore thumb. It can feel so obvious to us that we are different then the other people we interact with because of our IF.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Take a visit to the doctor's office. First off, the nurse pulls my file and it is 2-3 inches thick. And that is not because I have been a patient there for years or because I have had several pregnancies with this practice. No, I have been with the office for less than one year and have had no births. Then we go into the waiting area. Everyone else in the room is pregnant. They are happily thumbing through their pregnancy and parenting magazines and dutifully carrying their bottles of water. Then I walk in. Instead of carrying a magazine, I am carrying a thick black binder with all of my medical records and select research articles. I pull out something from work that I can proofread – no time for leisure reading – I am a career woman (ha ha!).<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Or how about the last baptism I attended? While everyone else was smiling and sending warm thoughts during the blessing of the mother I was trying to hold back tears and wondering how I was going to look and act normal when this thing is over and we have to socialize. At the reception all the other women my age are quietly breastfeeding their babies or chasing around little ones. They barely have a chance to hold an adult conversation. Pan across the room and there I am, saddled up next to the bar and hanging out with all the guys in the room. (Yes, thankfully this baptism reception included an open bar!)<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Then there is church. We are very blessed to go to an awesome church with faithful priests and laypeople. Our priests often preach about the good of family and having babies. On one hand it is great because you don't hear sermons like that in many churches these days. But I always feel a little awkward. When the priests talk about what a blessing children are and how couples should be open to it, I feel like everyone is staring at my husband and I and thinking, "I'm glad they're here to listen to this sermon." It's not that anyone in church ever says anything. They probably aren't thinking about us at all, but as I sit alone with my husband year after year, looking at all the families around me, I feel like we are sticking out like a sore thumb during those sermons.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Walking in Catholic circles, sometimes I feel like I want to wear a sign that proclaims, "I am not contracepting, I am infertile." We may feel like our lack of fertility makes us stand out from others, but I don't think people dwell on it as much as we think they do. A lot of our self-consciousness and feelings of not belonging are self-inflicted. Acquaintances are not necessarily judging us for being childless, just as we are not always judging them for the cars they drive, clothes they wear, jobs they have, or number of kids they've had. If we feel isolated from our old friends, we have to ask ourselves whether it is our friends isolating us, or if we are doing it to ourselves. Sure, there are certain things our friends are doing that we can't – like going to play groups or getting together in the middle of the day when we are working. And they may not be as good about keeping in contact with us as they used to be. But am I isolating myself from them as well? Am I still trying to keep in touch with my friends and planning get togethers at times that work for both our schedules? I know that I have lost contact with some of my friends because after they had kids, they stopped initiating contact and I felt like I was always the one having to reach out. Although our lives may be vastly different now, we still share a friendship.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Sometimes it is hard to be the one who is different, but everyone has something that they feel keeps them from fitting in. Maybe this experience is meant to teach us to reach out to others when they may feel uncomfortable or like they don't fit in. Hopefully that is not the only thing we going through this for, but at least maybe that is a small part of what we are supposed to be learning. </span><span style="font-family:Wingdings;">J</span><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><strong>Reflection Questions<br /></strong></span></p><ol><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;">How do I deal with feeling different from my friends and acquaintances?<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Do I isolate myself from friends and family who have children?<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;">How have friends and family shown their support for me during times of suffering?<br /></span></li></ol><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord." <em>Isaiah 55:8</em><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">"Thus says the Lord, cease your cries of mourning, wipe the tears from your eyes. The sorrow you have shown shall have its reward, says the Lord. There is hope for your future, says the Lord."<em> Jeremiah 31:16-17<strong><br /></strong></em></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;">"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." <em>2 Corinthians 1:3-4</em><span style="color:#333333;"><strong><br /></strong></span></span></p><p><br /> </p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-91961793363318949852009-10-20T00:07:00.002-04:002009-10-20T00:14:58.712-04:00God’s Timing?<span xmlns=""><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">(Health update at bottom of post)<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">After my second miscarriage, my aunt called to check on me. During her words of consolation, she told me that maybe it was God's way of telling me that it is not time for us yet. Definitely not something you want to say to someone after a miscarriage! After my third, my Mom chimed in with the same thought. I know what they are thinking – once my husband is finished with his Ph.D, and gets a job in academia, then we will be in a perfect position to have children, but not now while he is in school. But this reasoning really gets to me. Why would God put it in my heart that I wanted a baby at age 27 when He wasn't planning to give me a baby until I was 32, or even older? Wouldn't He just wait until it was the "perfect" timing and then put the desire in my heart? Does He really want me to go through years of suffering and loss instead of placing a child in my arms?<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">In a weird way, it does make some sense. If God knew that it would take me years to get to the bottom of all my fertility problems, maybe He put the desire in my heart at an earlier age so that when it was His perfect timing, all of my issues would be sorted out and viola!, a baby will arrive. But couldn't God help me solve my fertility issues without me having to go through this TTC nightmare? He could have made my cycles crazy so that I would get my hormone levels checked out and corrected. He could have given me unmistakable signs of endo (not that I am wishing for that) so that I would have it removed prior to TTC.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">He could have done all sorts of different things, but this is what He chose for me. I am left wondering why. Why is my strongest desire – to become a mother – going unfulfilled? Why do I have this desire if it is not God's will for me? I know that I have been growing through this experience – learning patience, trust, surrender, humility, dying to self – but is that my answer? Did I have to lose three babies to learn that? I will cherish my children in a special way because of this. But did I need to go through this for 3.5 years to learn the value of fertility and children (no!). Those answers just aren't satisfying to me right now.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">Well, I originally wrote a different conclusion to this post. I wasn't very happy with it, but I just wanted to finish this post off since I was finding no inspiration. Then all of a sudden a thought came to my mind. What if we had waited to start trying until "God's perfect timing?" That means that even though we would have been using NFP and therefore somewhat open to life, we still would have been actively trying to avoid a pregnancy for our first 7 or more years of marriage. And while that may be okay for some couples, maybe that wouldn't have been okay for us. Maybe it would have led us to be more self-centered (I already have enough problems with that). Maybe we would have grown apart. Maybe as our personal income levels increased, we would have gotten caught up in a materialistic lifestyle. Maybe we wouldn't realize the precious gift that children are and therefore would postpone trying to have a baby until it really was too late. Instead, He has provided us with a cross that has drawn us closer together. We have a united front in trying to address our fertility issues. We have supported one another in our times of loss. No one can comfort me the way that my husband is able to – even though this cross is shared by many, it is still very personal to each couple. We have put off moving into a bigger place, or buying new cars and other creature comforts in order to save money for future needs – either so that I can someday be a stay at home mom, or we will have money to pursue adoption. We have a common goal and dream. We desire something that is very good. Even though God's timing is mysterious, tonight I will cling to Romans 8:28, a verse that has sometimes been hard to understand on this journey. "We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose."<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">"Our soul waits for the Lord, who is our help and shield. For in God our hearts rejoice; in your holy name we trust. May your kindness, Lord, be upon us; we have put our hope in you." <em>Psalm 33:20-22<br /></em></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">"At dawn let me hear of your kindness, for in you I trust. Show me the path I should walk, for to you I entrust my life." <em>Psalm 143:8</em><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">"The Lord supports all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look hopefully to you; you give them their food in due season, You open wide your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing." <em>Psalm 145:14-16<br /></em></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;"><strong>Reflection Questions<br /></strong></span></p><ol><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">Is God calling me to stay on my current path?<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">What can I learn from experiencing unfulfilled desire?<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">How has being fully open to life effected my relationship with my spouse?<br /></span></li></ol><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;"><strong>A Prayer to St. Gerard for Motherhood<br /></strong></span></p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">O glorious Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, and wonder worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. You who always fulfilled God's will on earth, help me to do God's holy will. Intercede with the Giver of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, that I may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the kingdom of heaven. Amen.<br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;"><strong>Health Update:</strong> My new cycle started this weekend and all of my <a href="http://tuckedbeneathhiswing.blogspot.com/2009/09/more-prayers-needed-different-reason.html">symptoms</a> from the last two months have been relieved. In the first morning of my cycle, I had already seen more AF than I have the last two cycles combined! So I am very thankful that I was able to identify my problem and have surgery so quickly. It looks like I made the right decision. There are still some complications that could arise, but for now, all signs are looking good. Usually I am praying that I won't get a period, but for the past three months, I have been anxiously awaiting a period as a sign that my body is recovering from the miscarriage. I have never said so many prayers of thanksgiving for a period before this weekend! Many thanks again for your prayers for me.</span></p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-67718124781882269922009-10-12T23:32:00.001-04:002009-10-12T23:32:33.855-04:00Green with Envy<span xmlns=''><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'>Isn't it crazy how infertility leads us to view good things as negative and vice versa? We hope that our doctors will find something wrong with us instead of hoping for perfect health. The night before my laparoscopy, I suddenly started getting nervous that my doctor would find nothing. It hadn't really occurred to me before that point in time, but what would we do if all of the build up to surgery and the pain to follow was for nothing? I cannot imagine how hard it is to be diagnosed with unexplained infertility. At least if our doctors find <em>something</em>, we will be able to work to correct it. <br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'>I felt the disappointment of good health the other week when we met with my doctor. Back up to the day that we lost our last baby. My sister called to let me know her doctor had found a blood clotting disorder in her workup. This disorder causes both recurrent early pregnancy loss and late pregnancy loss, but it is easily treated. I thought we had finally found the cause of our pregnancy losses and had hope that next time would be different. But my test came back negative. I should have been rejoicing as this disorder can lead to other problems such as diabetes and heart disease. However, I felt…disappointed. <br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'>Then there is the phenomenon of feeling sad when hearing happy news. Pregnancy announcements, baptisms, and kid's birthday parties should bring us joy. And we do feel joy for our friends and family. We may enjoy being included in the special events of our loved one's lives. But underlying the impulse of joy is a twinge (or more) of sadness and longing. A realization that other's lives are moving forward while our lives feel like they are permanently on hold. The scenario was played out so realistically in the movie <em>Julie and Julia</em> when Julia sobs at the news that her sister is pregnant while continually saying to her husband, "I am so happy for her." Many of us had strong emotional reactions to that scene because we knew exactly what Julia was experiencing. It is a mixture of competing emotions that can leave our head's spinning.<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'>I am part of a group at church that has been studying the US Catholic Catechism for Adults over the past two years. We are almost finished! This week we discussed the 10<sup>th</sup> commandment "You shall not covet your neighbor's goods." The discussion of the 10th commandment focused on envy and one quote from the catechism grabbed me. "Envy is an attitude of sadness at the sight of another's prosperity. It can create a disordered desire to acquire such goods, even by unjust means. Envy tightens the heart and subdues love. For this reason, envy is considered a Capital Sin" (one of seven sins that can lead into more serious sin). Wow – does some of that ring true for me! The Catechism didn't just leave me to feel guilty though – it gave me some advice on how to overcome envy. "Baptized people should counter envy with humility, thanksgiving to God for his gifts to oneself and to others, goodwill, and surrender to the providence of God (cf. CCC, no. 2554)." Humility, thanksgiving, goodwill, and surrender. I know that surrender and thanksgiving are frequent blog topics and something that I need to continually work on. But do I ever think about humility or goodwill? Yes, we automatically experience these things at times, but do we truly work towards them as a means of combating IF envy? It seems that there is always more work to be done in getting through IF gracefully – more layers to peel off the onion. But how blessed we are that God offers us the graces we need to combat our weaknesses, even if imperfectly. <br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'>"A tranquil mind gives life to the body, but jealousy rots the bones." <em>Proverbs 14:30<br /></em></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'><em>"</em>Rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, insincerity, envy, and all slander." <em>1Peter 2:1<br /></em></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'>"Finally, all of you, be of one mind, sympathetic, loving toward one another, compassionate, humble." <em>1 Peter 3:8<br /></em></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'> "As each one has received a gift, use it to serve one another as good stewards of God's varied grace." <em>1 Peter 4:10</em><br /> <em><br /> </em></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'><em>"</em>All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. (And) be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ." <em>Ephesians 4:31-32</em><br /> </span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'><strong>Reflection Questions<br /></strong></span></p><ol><li><span style='font-family:Georgia'>In what ways has IF affected my ways of thinking?<br /></span></li><li><span style='font-family:Georgia'>How does envy play into my life?<br /></span></li><li><span style='font-family:Georgia'>What are some virtues I can work on to combat these feelings?<br /></span></li></ol><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'><strong>An Act of Contrition<br /></strong></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia'>My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In His Name, my God, have mercy. <br/>Amen.<strong><br /> </strong></span></p><p><em><br /> </em> </p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-92083027846279849962009-10-05T22:59:00.009-04:002009-10-05T23:37:38.105-04:00One Track Mind<div align="left"> I have a one track mind, and although it does pertain to s*x, it is not what you think. IF has slowly taken over my whole life, including all of my thoughts, it seems. It is really remarkable how much time and energy I spend thinking about IF. Praying the rosary? My mind is probably wandering to IF, and if I am focusing, I am likely trying to connect each mystery to IF. Focusing on that conference call? Doubtful – I am probably thinking about my most recent doctor’s appointment. Looking super serious and focused in spinning class – not likely because I am pushing myself to my limit. It is probably because I am thinking about my pregnancy losses. Listening to my husband talk about his day at work? It may look like that, but really I am thinking about calling my doctors office to order my most recent medical records, figuring out when I am going to get my next blood draw, and trying to remember if I took all my meds/supplements that day. I honestly think my husband would be shocked if he realized just how much of my thoughts were consumed by this. He is focused on his own challenges, and although IF is one of them, it is more likely that his one-track mind has something to do with his looming dissertation. It doesn’t help that my new hobby is blogging and I spend my leisure time checking everyone’s updates. That just raised the intensity level a few notches higher!<br /></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left">It is fine to spend a certain amount of time focusing on IF. As women, we are naturally connected to IF in ways that our husbands aren’t. Each day is a whole new experience – we are checking our fertility signs and wondering whether we are having pregnancy symptoms or just PMS. We may have to keep track of an ever-changing mix of medications and supplements. We are the ones who have to decide whether to POAS. Then there are the emotions we face when seeing pregnant women, or friends with children, or engaging in certain conversations. And don’t forget about that never ending stack of books and articles there are to read to try to find “the answer.” It can be absolutely exhausting! But letting IF become all-consuming can lead to real problems. Am I not being as productive at work because I am not focusing during meetings, or am I spending too much time consulting Dr. Google instead of working on my tasks? Am I fostering good communication in my relationships if I am tuning people out and focusing inward? Is my faith life suffering because I am not centering myself during prayer? Mind control can be so difficult, especially if, like me, you have let yourself slack for a while now.<br /></div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left">One quote has been coming to mind tonight, I think I got this from a retreat. “Be where you are.” It is so easy for me to let my mind take off to IF-land. But I need to really live my life – to live in the moment and enjoy where God has placed me right now. When I am in a social situation, I should be enjoying the company I am surrounded with. When I am at church, I should be practicing the presence of God. And I should actually put in a full day’s work so that I don’t feel like I am always running behind! I need to make the most of all of this “me-time” that I have been blessed with right now. Even though I would much rather be offering myself as a gift to my child, I know that the day will come when I will wish I had a free moment to explore my own interests or spend in quiet reflection. </div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left">I have been feeling the need to find something to put my energies into, especially since I am in post-m/c, post-surgery purgatory with no idea when I will emerge with the green light to TTC. I am feeling like plunging myself into some kind of intense exercise regimen – doing something that I wouldn’t want to do when TTC. However, this weekend I just wasn’t feeling 100% over surgery. So I finally decided to start tackling a scrapbook of our trip to Italy…two years ago. I have had the pictures sitting in a box under my bed for close to two years, picked out the album a year ago, and had not touched it. But this weekend I finally started working on it (see the fruits of my first days on the job below). It was so refreshing to have something else to get obsessive over. And I have to admit, this would be hard to do if I had little ones to take care of! </div><blockquote><p align="left">“You shall not have other gods besides me.” <em>Exodus 20:3</em><br />“Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.” <em>Romans 12:2</em><em><br /></em>“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” <em>Philippians 4:8</em></p></blockquote><div align="left"><strong>Reflection Questions</strong><br />1. How much of my time is spent pursuing things related to infertility?<br />2. Has this reached an unhealthy or counterproductive level in my life?<br />3. What are some things other things that I can put my energies into right now? Are there any projects I have been putting off, or would I like to pursue a new hobby?</div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left">“Examine yourself often, at least at night and morning, as to whether your soul is ‘in your hand’ or whether it has been wrested thence by any passionate or anxious emotion. See whether your soul is fully under control, or whether it has not in anywise escaped from beneath your hand, to plunge into some unruly love, hate, envy, lust, fear, vexation, or joy. And if it has so strayed, before all else seek it out, and quietly bring it back to the Presence of God, once more placing all your hopes and affections under the direction of His Holy Will.” St. Francis de Sales, <em>Introduction to the Devout Life</em></div><div align="center"><br /><br /></div><div align="center"><em></em></div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389318963093461938" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF1tnN6bHFChvOVP1vk96VSxpNSsv5syuuXPkmuJSXuDQXciJ_VtHHzsOADZAuE22Z3NHtE9KXhHXo_e4O4jTyTZ8GKq2OXAZybpfkQ_G0rAEviJs8aeQy6aeYIpph9b9B8da5q8DmXTY/s200/IMG_0044.JPG" /> <p align="center"> Okay, so I just added a title to this page, but the paper was so cool I had to share.</p><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 104px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389324060346680226" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBMIe6KXsfz94qe7YKOJzunzvIZ9Dn5YlObmabTFnaEMiVe5yYzu-KJVThyphenhyphenVnWQ_FIG-gWsTNv8ykLq3-zbsCp6ofJtbn-QDnYhuSxA5l5uo7oFe875OxoF7hRiW-0tJc435fvCTKJ8qY/s200/IMG_0046.JPG" /><br /><div align="center">6 Cities in 12 Days</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 104px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389320968988354930" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9wd54ae6T1FblYo57jNWCqVcDdBfovBisFI3dSTG1vZDKYlZKf8KNtBrmrVeNRhwmb8_4otCAClz7GFAhOzafkfMF3O5wCFA05aEXn0CHlw4pUm-Gqtx9TxFoNxpEcVIRLGXjrsfKQ9I/s200/IMG_0052.JPG" /></div><div align="center">The Daily Agenda with Memories</div>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-46175813810026752942009-09-29T23:14:00.001-04:002009-09-29T23:14:20.258-04:00Surgery Update<span xmlns=''><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:10pt'>Got good news today following surgery. Dr. S found one band that *may* be scarring – he sent it to pathology for testing as he wasn't totally sure. He also found another area of possible retained "products of conception" and cleared that. My tubes are open. Hopefully I will get a decent period in a couple weeks. Then next month we will do an ultrasound series to make sure I am ovulating and to check the growth of my endometrial lining. If everything looks good, hopefully we will be cleared to TTC again sometime in November. Thank you ladies so much for your thoughts and prayers. I am humbled to have so many amazing women praying specifically for me – especially since I don't even know most of you in person!<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:10pt'>I am feeling good now, just very tired. Not much pain at all. When I got transferred back to outpatient, I found out that they gave me Tramadol in the recovery room – the same pain killer they gave my cat following <a href='http://tuckedbeneathhiswing.blogspot.com/2009/07/adventures-of-herbie-part-2.html'>his surgery</a> this summer! I told my husband that if the pain got too bad, maybe I could dig into the cat's left over stash. Ha ha! <br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:10pt'>Isn't it crazy to look at surgery pictures? In my untrained eye, looking at my pictures, I would say there was only one where everything looked good and smooth. In all the other pictures it looks like there is all sorts of tissue out of place! Of course Dr. S explained all the pictures to my husband but he can't remember what anything was, except for the one that shows the suspicious band of tissue. Guess I'll have to wait for my post-op.<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:10pt'>Also, I have a good Catholic story for you ladies. We were down in GA this weekend and our priest friend wasn't able to come over to give me anointing. So on Sunday my husband was insisting that we ask the local priest to anoint me after mass. I was chickening out since it wasn't my priest and my parents and in-laws were at mass with us and would have to wait through it. But he and my mother-in-law insisted. They got to work before mass tracking down someone to ask for the anointing. When they got back to the pew, my mil told me that she added my name to the prayers for the sick to be announced during the Prayers of the Faithful. I was a bit embarrassed, especially having my parents there and also knowing that we probably knew some people outside of my family that would be at mass. By the time the petition came around, I had forgotten about it and my mind was wandering. Then I heard my name and looked over to see my husband and mil snickering. I thought they were laughing because the lector had butchered both my first and last name. But once the prayers were over and before the music started, the music minister (who put my name on the list) got on the mic and said, "There was one mistake in the Prayers of the Faithful. (Insert my name) should have been listed under prayers for the sick." I looked over at my husband and asked, "Did they say my name under prayers for those who have died?" Sure enough they did! I was hoping that wasn't a foreshadowing, but here I am alive and well! And we did end up knowing some people who were at mass – hopefully they didn't freak out thinking I had died!<br /></span></p><p><span style='font-family:Georgia; font-size:10pt'>So things are looking up and hopefully my cycles will get back to normal soon. I have learned so much over the past two weeks and have decided that I will never again have a D&C unless it is medically necessary. It really is crazy how that one procedure can ruin a woman's fertility. It is really not worth the risk. If you are interested in learning more about Asherman's Syndrome, <a href='http://www.ashermans.org/'>click here</a>. </span></p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-87153854857926228492009-09-25T11:51:00.001-04:002009-09-25T11:51:41.912-04:00More Prayers Needed – Different Reason<span xmlns=''><p>Here I am begging for prayers again! I am going to have a surgery on Tuesday with Dr. S. This is a long post – feel free to skim.<br /></p><p>Most of you know that I had my third miscarriage in July. Because I was just about to leave on a big family vacation to the beach, I opted to have a D&C. This was my first time having a D&C and it may have been the worst decision I have ever made. Everything seemed to be going fine. I had signs of ovulation about a month later, and about two weeks after that, when I would expect my period, I had two days of very light spotting. This was accompanied by pelvic pain and the need to pee a lot! I kept telling my husband that I felt like I had fluid swirling around in my lower abdomen. It was really uncomfortable – even to walk. I thought that I must have had an anovulatory cycle accompanied by a bladder infection based on the symptoms. So, the following month I took my temperatures a few times to confirm that I actually ovulated. I had signs of ovulation and the temps corresponded. But last week, I was out of town and got hit by all the same symptoms. I was helping lead a day and a half workshop and kept having to run out of the room to hit the bathroom and <br/>I was popping ibuprofen the whole time! I knew then that something was wrong. <br /></p><p>So, I consulted Dr. Google. I kept typing in my symptoms and a website for Asherman's Syndrome popped up every time. No, no, no, I thought – I went onto all the regular message boards, but was not finding anyone describing what I was going through. So, I finally clicked on the Asherman's website, went to their list of symptoms, and realized that they were describing what I was going through. Asherman's Syndrome is scar tissue in your uterus that is most often caused by an overly aggressive D&C. The potential side effects are devastating – diminishment or complete loss of a period, permanent infertility, miscarriages, high risk pregnancies (placenta previa, incompetent cervix, and worse!). It can also cause endo because if your cervix or uterus are scarred shut, and you are still building an endometrial lining, it cannot be passed from the body during a period – instead it flows back into your abdominal cavity. I started googling Asherman's and every website said the same thing, "rare disorder, rare disorder, rare disorder." I feel like I am being totally broken down. Everything that we have done up to this point means nothing if I have a serious case. <br /></p><p>As with endo, there are varying stages of Ashermans. I am lucky to have figured this out early, as many women take years before they realize what is going on and by then the disease has caused permanent damage. Treatment would be by hysteroscopy. You then have to have repeat diagnostic hysteroscopies or HSGs to determine if scar tissue has reformed. If it continues to form, you continue to have surgeries. I will also likely have to go through hormone therapy to try to build up my endometrial lining so that it is thick enough to carry a baby. Whether it will grow back and how much it will grow back will be determined by how bad the D&C damage is. I am hoping that since I am seeing spotting and I really feel like I have fluid in my abdomen during my times of spotting, that I still have a pretty good endometrial lining.<br /></p><p>It has been an emotional past couple of days since I came to this realization. I am feeling alternately overwhelmed, defeated, and hopeful. I feel like God is telling me to have Hope. As most of you know, we decided to name our third baby Hope. The name had come to me sometime between my 2<sup>nd</sup> and 3<sup>rd</sup> miscarriages. I always thought I would have a third miscarriage – I don't really credit this to intuition as much as to the fact that any woman who had had two m/c's in a row and has not been given any real explanation for it will anticipate the same result with her next pregnancy. When I got pregnant, I really couldn't imagine that I was going to carry to term, I didn't want to talk about the pregnancy, even with my husband. This Sunday, we were saying a rosary and at the very beginning, we were praying for faith, hope, and love. I started pondering Hope and wondering why God had placed that name on my heart for my third baby when I knew I was going to miscarry. Not only did I miscarry, but losing that baby is causing me this horrible disease. Then I realized that <em>THIS</em> was the reason God led me to that name. That He does not want me to despair about what might happen, but to have Hope. So I am trying to ponder that right now when I am feeling down. <br /></p><p>Monday night I emailed Dr. S to tell him I was suspecting Asherman's. We were scheduled to see him on Thursday to review a slew of blood tests I had after my m/c, but I knew that this would completely change the conversation. First thing the next morning, I got a call from the surgery scheduler in his office who told me that Dr. S had received my message and wanted to know when the date of my last period was. As I was opening up my chart on the computer, she explained that Dr S had a surgery cancellation on Tuesday morning and that if I began my "period" on the 15<sup>th</sup> or after, that I could come in for surgery. Well, I look at my chart, and my spotting and pain began on the 15<sup>th</sup>! I had imagined that it would be at least December before I could have surgery due to my travel schedule and Dr. S's surgery schedule. That would have meant two more months of pain, period backflow, and scar tissue growth. My husband was supposed to be in New York Monday and coming home Tuesday, but he was able to rearrange his schedule so that he can be with me on Tuesday! I have been a bit concerned about having Dr. S do my surgery because although he is a talented surgeon, he is not an Asherman's specialist. But I feel like God has been leading us in this direction and providing many signs that this is the way for us to go. This morning I got one more sign. I had emailed my friend to ask for her prayers for Tuesday. She wrote back to assure me of her prayers and said that about a month ago she had called her church to ask that they say Mass for us this Tuesday, the Feast of the Archangels. Our first two babies were named Michael and Gabriel, so this feast day means a lot to us. I had not even made the connection and to know that a mass will be said for us that morning is amazing! Also, we are at "home" in Georgia this weekend visiting family and we are asking our good friend who is a priest to anoint me. So, please pray that my surgery will go well on Tuesday and that my fertility will be completely restored. Surgery is 8:00 am and I should be able to come home that day. Recovery should be much easier than the lap. Thank you to everyone in advance for all of your support and prayers!!!</p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-51042339326255914552009-09-20T21:37:00.003-04:002009-09-20T21:50:44.849-04:00Faith Like a ChildAbout a year ago, my father-in-law was telling me about the poem <em>Hound of Heaven</em> by Francis Thompson which he had read often growing up. I recently read it for the first time, and although I didn’t do a close read, one line stuck out to me. “All which I took from thee I did but take, Not for thy harms, But just that thou might'st seek it in My arms.” I have often found myself reflecting on that statement and recently added it to my homepage. Last weekend I mentioned it to my husband and he told me how it reflected God calling us to come to Him as children. <br /><br />That got me thinking. We all know the bible verses about having faith like a child. What could I learn from children that could apply to the IF journey? Here are a few thoughts:<br /><strong>1. Persistence:</strong> Kids are famous for their persistence. We have all been talking with a friend and watched their child tugging at their shirt saying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy” until their mother stopped the conversation to attend to them. No doubt we did the same thing to our parents. Kids know how to get the attention of their parents. They don’t realize that it may seem rude to ask for attention over and over again. We may feel like we have already put this before God enough and that He knows what we seek without us even telling Him, but God wants us to continue to ask Him for the desires of our heart, not to bury them deep down and hope He gets back to us someday with the answer we want. Think of a child that wants a puppy. The child will think of any excuse to bring up the topic of the puppy. Anytime it comes to his mind, he will blurt it out. We can do the same. <br /><strong>2. Fearlessness:</strong> When we are children, we are often more daring than we are as adults. I know that I loved jumping off the high dive at the pool when I was young, but these days that would totally freak me out. And you can forget about me jumping feet first into cold water! As we age and mature, we come to understand more about the risks we face and we sometimes let fears rule us. I know that I have had to learn how to face some of my fears in this journey. I was petrified of all GYNs and had to force myself to make my first appointment just a few months before we started TTC. Now I can bet that I’ll get a physical at almost every doctor’s appointment and I’ve had to do countless ultrasounds and other procedures. Surgeries, drugs, side effects, injections, lifestyle changes. We’ve all had to face something that we were scared of and things that made us uncomfortable in this process, but we are willing to do these things to get our desired end result. We know that it will be worth any sacrifice we make today.<br /><strong>3. Trust:</strong> As children, we trusted that our needs would be met. We would have full tummies and warm beds. We couldn’t go out and get a job to pay for these needs – we had to rely on others to provide them for us. In the IF journey we have to learn to let go and trust that God will take care of us. If we are meant to have biological children, we will. If we are meant to adopt, we will. If we are meant for a childless life, God will help us to accept that. And throughout this whole process, He is showering us with the grace we need to handle anything that may come our way. <br /><strong>4. Being Out of Control:</strong> Children are often ruled by their parents. They don’t have cars. They can’t stay home by themselves. If their parents say, “we are going to the store,” the child must go. If the parent says, “no, you can’t go play at your friend’s house right now,” the child must obey. So too, we have learned that we don’t really have control over our fertility. Although we try to do everything we can to help it along, ultimately we can only do so much. We have to give in to being out of control. Sometimes our parents had to tell us no. We didn’t always understand why – we <em>still</em> may not understand why our parents said no to us at times. But those no’s have shaped us into who we are today, as much as the yes’ we received. Those no’s have helped make it easier for us to bear the “no” we are hearing from God right now. Hopefully, one day we will find that God wasn’t really saying no to us. He was really saying “not yet.” Only time will tell.<br /><strong>5. Innocence:</strong> One of the first things I think of when reading “have faith like a child” is innocence. Although we are now adults and have learned things we wish we never had to know, we still maintain innocence. Compared to God’s infinite knowledge, our knowledge is so finite. We cannot presume to understand His ways. I have often thought that I will never understand miscarriage. Even when I get to heaven, I feel like I won’t understand why God would allow this to happen. Or why God would allow the child abuser or teenager to become pregnant and not the caring adults who have the means and the love to support a child for life. But that is thinking on my terms, using my knowledge and understanding. How innocent those thoughts must seem to God.<br /><br />A few final things we can learn from children, maybe God doesn’t mind if we continually ask Him, “Are we there yet?” and “Why, why, why, why, why?” And don’t forget to ask your Mother!<br /><br /><blockquote>“He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, ‘Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.’” <em>Matthew 18: 2-4</em></blockquote><blockquote>“And people were bringing children to him that he might touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this he became indignant and said to them, ‘Let the children come to me; do not prevent them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Amen, I say to you, whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it.’ Then he embraced them and blessed them, placing his hands on them.” <em>Mark 10:13-16</em><br /><br />“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘For human beings it is impossible, but not for God. All things are possible for God.’" <em>Mark 10:27<br /></em> </blockquote><strong>Reflection Questions</strong><br />1. What does the quote from Hound of Heaven say to me?<br />2. Which points listed above do I identify with most? Which can I learn from the most?<br />3. What other things can I learn from children?<br /><br /><strong>Like A Child - <em>Jars of Clay</em></strong><br />Dear God, surround me as I speak, the bridges that I walk across are weak<br />Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear<br />Dear God, don't let me fall apart, you've held me close to you<br />I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand<br /><br />They say that I can move the mountains<br />And send them crashing into the sea<br />They say that I can walk on water<br />If I would follow and believe with faith like a child<br /><br />Sometimes, when I feel miles away and my eyes can't see your face<br />I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness I walked in light of you<br /><br />They say that love can heal the broken<br />They say that hope can make you see<br />They say that faith can find a Savior<br />If you would follow and believe with faith like a childJoy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-31201820810630556232009-09-08T22:25:00.003-04:002009-09-08T22:44:20.515-04:00What I Didn’t Expect<span xmlns=""><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought it would be so hard to get pregnant.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought it would be so hard to stay pregnant.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought it would take this long. I'd turn 30 without having any children. I'd worry about how <em>few</em> kids we might have instead of how <em>many</em> we might have. I'd feel so out of control. I would be this far in the process and still feel like there is so much more to explore. This would consume so much of my time and energy.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought my first doctor would refer me to an IVF clinic. I would see four doctor's and still no take home baby. I'd be in tears leaving a doctor's appointment. I would drive so far to see a doctor. I would feel like I knew more than my doctor. My doctor would hug me. My doctor would pray with me. I would want my doctor to prescribe injections. I'd get so used to disrobing for strangers.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought I could talk about my miscarriages so nonchalantly. I would associate Thanksgiving, Tax Day, and 4<sup>th</sup> of July with losing babies. I would be told I had to have three miscarriages in a row before any testing could be done. I would actually <em>have</em> three in a row. My babies would meet God before I would. You could work with someone five days a week and have no idea that they have had three miscarriages since you've known them. I never thought I was so good at keeping secrets.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought I would learn an NFP method other than sympto-thermal. A 70-year old widow would teach me Creighton. Words like uterus, ovary, and cervix would slip so effortlessly off my tongue. I would talk so openly about my cycles and fertility issues with women I had just met. I'd call PPVI to order a perforated condom. We'd rent a room near a hospital for the sole purpose of using a perforated condom.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought having blood draws would seem like no big deal. I'd be on a first name basis with the lab ladies. I'd actually like the "mean" blood lab lady. The ladies at the lab would pray for me. They did female ultrasounds in places other than on the stomach. My ultrasound tech would hug me. I'd get kicked out of an ultrasound room because my bladder wasn't full enough.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought my insurance file would be so thick. My co-pays for blood labs would be so low they wouldn't even bother to bill me. I'd have "female" surgery. We'd have to drive through snow and ice storms to make it to my pre-op appointments and surgery. I'd do a bowel prep in a hotel room. I'd wonder how many other women had done bowel preps at that same hotel.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought I'd know what HCG, PCOS, CrMS, D&C, MTHFR, LUFS, and PAI-1 stood for. My hormones were messed up. My cycles weren't really regular. I had endo. So many seemingly unrelated things affect fertility. I'd be on so many medications and supplements. I would have gone so long without trying acupuncture.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought this was something my husband and I would face in our marriage. There would be a section of my bookshelf dedicated to infertility. Sex would sometimes feel like a chore. We'd adopt a cat to fulfill our desire to nurture something. I'd still be working for my company six years later. My sister would face the same struggles.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought I'd have a negative pregnancy test. I'd have <em>so many</em> negative pregnancy tests. I would go to the grocery store and buy a pregnancy test and tampons at the same time. A positive pregnancy test would fill me with so many conflicting emotions. My prayers after getting a positive pregnancy test would change from "Thank you God" to "Please help us get through this God."<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought I'd have a blog. I never thought the blog I never thought I would have would be about infertility. I would share some of my inmost thoughts and feelings on the internet. I would meet in person anyone I met on the internet. This post would get so long.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought I'd sulk at baptisms, baby showers, and kid's birthday parties. The sight of pregnant women would make we want to cry, throw up, or cuss. I'd be jealous when other people announced a pregnancy. Seeing friend's Facebook pages would make me feel so sad. I would dread Mother's Day. I would feel like bursting out crying in public with no apparent provocation. I'd dwell so much on other people's comments. When I heard kids singing, "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage" I would want to yell out, "Yeah right!"<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought I would cry during a homily. Seeing young families at church would upset me. Prayer would be so hard. My prayers would go "unanswered" for so long. God would withhold this gift from us. I'd question God's plan. It would be so hard to place this in God's hands.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">I never thought it would be this hard to get pregnant.<br /></span></p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;"><blockquote><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">"Five times at the hands of the Jews I received forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I passed a night and a day on the deep; on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my own race, dangers from Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers at sea, dangers among false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many sleepless nights, through hunger and thirst, through frequent fastings, through cold and exposure. And part from these things, there is the daily pressure upon me of my anxiety for all the churches." <em>II Corinthians 11:24-28</em> (<em>IF doesn't sound so bad now, does it??) </em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;"></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">"We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed…" <em>II Corinthians 4:8-9</em><br /></p></span><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">"Grace and favor you granted me, and your providence has preserved my spirit. Yet these things you have hidden in your heart; I know that they are your purpose." <em>Job 10:12-13</em><br /></span></p></blockquote></span><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;"><strong>Reflection Questions<br /></strong></span></p><ol><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">What did you not expect on this journey?<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">How has the Lord helped you handle unexpected situations?<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">How have you grown in faithfulness and trust in God? </span></li></ol><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;"><strong>An Irish Prayer<br /></strong></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;">May God give you...<br />For every storm, a rainbow,<br />For every tear, a smile,<br />For every care, a promise,<br />And a blessing in each trial.<br />For every problem life sends,<br />A faithful friend to share,<br />For every sigh, a sweet song,<br />And an answer for each prayer. </span></p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-9453135570507762182009-08-31T23:14:00.002-04:002009-08-31T23:16:11.305-04:00No More Stories<span xmlns=""><p>It seems like everyone has a story that they want to share if you tell them you are dealing with infertility. If I say that we have been trying for 3+ years, they tell me about their friend's sister's co-worker who had her first baby after <em>10</em> years of trying – or that they finally conceived after giving up on TTC. If I say I have had 3 miscarriages, they tell me about their cousin's uncle's brother's wife who had <em>7</em> miscarriages and was later able to carry to term. I know that all of these stories are meant to be an encouragement and inspiration to me to not give up, but sometimes I wish people would just appreciate what I am going through without telling me about someone they know who had it even worse!<br /></p><p>At times it feels like they are minimizing my struggles. Instead of sympathizing with where I am right now, they start talking about some other couple. It makes me feel like I am in some sort of a sick contest to see who ends up with the most difficult journey to a family and still triumphs. Like I need to compete to have the absolute worst story so that I will go down in all of my friend's history books and our story will be the one they tell some other unsuspecting infertile woman who is just looking for some support and affirmation.<br /></p><p>But it makes me wonder how often I have done the same to someone else. Do I ever respond to someone who has just told me about a struggle by comparing what they are going through to someone else's struggle, or even to my own experiences? Instead of trying to support them, let them talk it out, offer my prayers, do I just divert my attention to something or someone else? Do I truly listen to what they are telling me, or do I just start thinking about how I am going to respond to them? Wow, this is starting to sound like one of those seminars on active listening!<br /></p><p>Living with IF, we develop certain sensitivities to common things that people say – like "just relax," or pointing to their cute little child and saying "this one right here is birth control" (yes, that really happened to me recently in the grocery store). I know my friends who have children have their own pet peeves about what people say to them. I remember making a comment to a friend after she had her third boy, that maybe next time she would get a girl. I later found out that people say that to her all the time and it really gets on her nerves – like she isn't happy with the children God gave her – whoops! I guess there are a lot of things you don't learn until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes.<br /></p><p>Last summer during a particularly rough period, I ordered the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. It is beautifully written. As I was looking for bible verses tonight, I grabbed her book and found a chapter entitled, "Put Yourself in My Shoes (Before You Put Your Foot in Your Mouth). A few sentences that I highlighted seemed particularly appropriate:<br /></p><p>"In trying to explain fertility challenges to those who have never lived through such experiences, I have to remind myself that the outside perspective is one of innocence."<br /></p><p>"When my life is over, do I want to be remembered as that self-absorbed woman who could only focus on her own hurt…"<br /></p><p>"As you find yourself in uncomfortable places or conversations, ask God to give you grace to survive the moment, along with an understanding heart to hear the <em>intended</em> meaning behind your friend's words."<br /></p><p><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:12;">"Then Job answered and said: I have heard this sort of thing many times. Wearisome comforters are you all! Is there no end to windy words? Or what sickness have you that you speak on? I also could talk as you do, were you in my place." <em>Job 16:1-4<br /></em></span></p><p>"The prating of some men is like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise is healing." <em>Proverbs 12:18<span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:12;"><br /></span></em></p><p><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:12;">"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection." <em>Colossians 3:12-14<br /></em></span></p><p><strong>Reflection Questions<br /></strong></p><ol><li>How do I wish people would respond when I tell them about my struggles?<br /></li><li>Do I respond to others in the way I would like to be treated, or do I end up saying and doing the very things I dislike?<br /></li><li>Am I too focused on myself to appreciate other people's struggles?<br /></li></ol><p><em>Lord, help me to be a good friend to others. To truly listen to them, affirm them, and offer support when it is needed. Give me the wisdom and sensitivity I need to respond to other's needs. Help me to appreciate other people's comments for what they are intended to be, instead of what I twist them to mean. In all things, let me respond charitably to others.<br /></em></p><p style="MARGIN-LEFT: 36pt"><br /> </p><p><br /> </p></span>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4889023903907307062.post-73699558575467190592009-08-24T23:11:00.004-04:002009-08-24T23:20:27.793-04:00Family Matters<span xmlns=""><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">This month my husband and I celebrated our 7<sup>th</sup> anniversary and my 31<sup>st</sup> birthday. I love the month of August! While these milestones mark another year passed and another year older without a baby, they are also reminders of how blessed I am to be in this beautiful family. It is easy for me to think that my husband and I are <em>part of</em> a family, but that <em>we</em> are not a family yet because we don't have any living children. In my mind, I know that our family started the day we were married, but how do you grasp that concept when you have grown up thinking that family necessarily involves children. A couple years back we were spending a weekend with our college friends. This couple got pregnant on their honeymoon and every chance they have had since. The oldest daughter was talking to me one morning and asked, "Are you guys married, but you just don't have kids?" It occurred to me that in the family she has been raised, it had never occurred to her that a couple might be married with no children. So, how do my husband and I form a family by ourselves?<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">The family is the fundamental cell of society and it's roots are in the married couple who form a family on their wedding day. One of the most basic characteristics of a family is sharing. We share a home, food, income, activities, friends and relatives – we don't have to have children to do any of those things. All of the things that a family encompasses is modeled first and foremost in the married couple through the expression of their vows– together in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. Yes, we are dealing with the sickness of our bodies – even if that may not be physically evident to others. Our husbands join us for important doctor's appointments, hold our hands when we receive difficult news or are undergoing an uncomfortable procedure, they care for us when we've had surgery and vice versa. We face good times and some very difficult times, but we persevere and hopefully our relationships are better for it. Each day of our marriage, and through every sacrifice and shared experience, we are deepening our commitment to those vows. We become a model of love and of the true meaning of family, in a world that so often needs to be reminded of that.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">Families are never called to be closed in on themselves, but to be fruitful. During the rite of marriage, we state that we intend to accept children lovingly from God. So how are we to look at our marriages if we try to have children, but are unable to? Well, we <em>are</em> seeking to accept children from God –whether naturally or through adoption. We are not preventing ourselves from receiving children, but waiting for God to bless us at the time of His choosing. And when He does decide it is time, there is no doubt that we will love those children in a special way. Our patience, endurance, and perseverance bears much fruit in the meantime – fruit that will help us in our future roles as parents. For now, we may seek ways to serve others outside of our family whether through giving of our time, prayer, or monetary blessings. But most important of all, we are blessed with this extra time to focus on building a strong marriage. People are attracted to strong families and strong marriages. What our future children and what society needs most are strong, happy marriages. That bears fruit beyond measure.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">"Make known to me your ways, Lord; teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior. For you I wait all the long day, because of your goodness, Lord." <em>Psalm 25:4-5<br /></em></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother (and be joined to his wife), and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh." <em>Mark 10:7-8<br /></em></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">"It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." <em>1 Corinthians 13:7-8a</em><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;"><strong>Reflection Questions<br /></strong></span></p><ol><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">Do I see my husband and I as a family? Why or why not?<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">How are our interactions and experiences of infertility a reflection of our wedding vows?<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">How are we being called to be fruitful at this time?<br /></span></li></ol><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;"><strong>A Marriage Blessing Prayer </strong></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Georgia;font-size:10;">We thank you, O God, for the Love You have </span>implanted in our hearts. May it always inspire us to be kind in our words, considerate of feeling, and concerned for each other's needs and wishes. Help us to be understanding and forgiving of human weaknesses and failings. Increase our faith and trust in You and may Your Prudence guide our life and love. Bless our Marriage O God, with Peace and Happiness, and make our love fruitful for Your glory and our Joy both here and in eternity. </span></p>Joy Completehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12144963935332670459noreply@blogger.com4