Tucked Beneath His Wing

Welcome to My Blog!

2010-11-30T09:37:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my blog! I'm glad you found me. This site was created towards the end of my four year journey through infertility and miscarriage. I designed it to be devotional style and wrote about a specific topic related to infertility in each post. I am so happy to have been blessed with a precious baby boy and at this point, the blog will remain dormant, at least until I start trying for #2. I invite anyone struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss to read through my blog.

If you want to keep up with where I am right now, you can read my new blog: http://john15-11.blogspot.com/. As a warning, this blog is full of pictures and gushing about my baby boy, so if you don't feel up for that, you may not want to hop over there.

I continue to pray for those struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss each day. Draw near to the Lord, He will draw near to you.

2 Months and a New Blog

2010-09-21T23:57:00.000-04:00

It is hard to believe that this little guy

is already 2 months old!

Actually, this picture is from a couple weeks ago, but it is so cute I just had to post it.

Now that I am getting settled in, I am starting a new blog. It took several weeks to find a blog title. I guess I should have started thinking about a new title months ago, but that didn't happen. It doesn't help that there are so many bloggers these days that the few titles I came up with were already taken. For a little while I was tempted to just continue using this blog, but then I remembered that I do not want my family and fertile friends to read what amounts to my very personal (though public) diary from the last couple years.

After having no luck with a blog name, I finally decided to take a look at the readings from our wedding. Since Jeremiah 29:11 was already taken...I looked at the gospel. When I read it, two words stuck out: Joy Complete! I knew I had found my new blog's name.

Having joy in the title is so appropriate because when we found out we were expecting, we both felt an overwhelming sense of joy. This can be hard for an infertile in the first trimester, and especially for someone who has had a miscarriage. We are so used to guarding our hearts. Perhaps we both had some intuition that this was finally going to be our take home baby. We felt so much joy about this pregnancy that we decided if the baby was a girl, her middle name would be joy.

Of course, the blog address Joy Complete was already taken, so my new blog address uses the bible verse. Come visit me at http://john15-11.blogspot.com/ if you would like to keep up with us.

As for this blog, I feel that the devotionals I wrote are (this is not meant to sound conceited) "timeless" in that anyone who is experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss could relate to them. So I will be keeping this site up and adding a welcome/explanation post for anyone who happens upon this blog in the future. You won't see this blog listed under my profile from here on out in an effort to continue keeping this little project a secret from my family/IRL friends!

For posterity's sake, I wrote out my IF history and added it to my sidebar for anyone who is interested.

I have always felt that God placed certain circumstances in my life and my friend's lives so that I could be a prayer warrior for those specific intentions. I think I will always pray for those experiencing infertility and miscarriage because it has touched me so deeply. At one point I shared on this blog that I began to specifically pray for my healing from m/c and IF immediately after receiving the Eucharist. I knew that this was the time I was physically closest to Christ, so I felt I should pray for my most personal intentions. I conceived and lost our third baby only a few months after beginning that devotion, but I continued it and soon became pregnant again. I prayed for my healing and the healing of others experiencing IF all throughout my pregnancy and I know that the Lord heard my prayer. It is so engrained in me to pray for healing from IF/miscarriage after receiving the Eucharist, that I continue to do so even now, not for myself, but for all of you. I'm amazed at how many miracles God has worked in this blogging community over the past year, and I know there are more to come. I'll keep praying for you, please keep praying for me.

He's Here!!!

2010-07-29T15:03:00.006-04:00

Philip Andrew

Born Monday, July 19, 2010
7 lbs. 1 oz.
20 inches

Thank you to everyone who prayed for us. I prayed for all of your intentions during labor, and prayed in general for all those suffering with infertility and pregnancy loss.

Here is the birth story:
I woke up at 1:45 last Monday morning and knew something was different. Within the hour I knew I was in labor. He was a week early which took me by surprise as both my sister and I were two weeks late. Being this was my first baby I figured I would follow suit. We went into the hospital around 8:00 am when contractions were only 3.5 minutes apart. When they hooked me up to the monitors they found that the baby's heart rate was decelerating down to about 50-60 during contractions, then going up to 160-200 afterwards. So, I was stuck to laboring in bed with constant fetal monitoring. I was only able to lay on my right side because the heart rate declerated in any other position. At around 4:00 pm I was up to 7 cm, but labor stalled. They tried Pitocin and laid me in different positions, but nothing was changing. The doctor decided to give me until 8:00 pm and wanted me to be about ready to push when she returned. At 8:00, I was still at a 7 and the heart rate declerations were very consistent, no matter what position they put me in. The doctor told us she was concerned that if we let the labor progress, the baby may be too exhausted to get through the pushing stage. She recommended that we consider a c-section as opposed to waiting it out and potentially having to go in for an emergency c-section. We knew this recommendation was coming and we were fine with having the surgery - we just wanted our baby. We were told we would have the baby in less than an hour - what an overwhelming feeling! Surgery went well. Hearing my sweet baby's first cries was amazing - I was in love and hadn't even seen him yet! My husband and the baby were whisked away while I was being stiched up. That is when the doctor told me that when he was delivered, they found his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice. He was also sunny-side up which could explain why my contractions felt so intense so early in the day. Needless to say, we are so happy that we decided to go with the surgery and that our baby was born with no complications!

The past week and a half have been amazing. I am so happy to be a mother and to hold my newborn. I cry for joy each day when holding him and looking at his sweet face. Ladies, I want to let you know that everything you are doing and going through is so worth it in the end. You will have a unique appreciation for pregnancy/birth or adoption and being a mother that you wouldn't have felt without bearing the cross of infertility. I will continue praying for you, and hopefully once I get my feet on the ground, I will be a lot more active on the blogs.

Here is one final picture of my first time seeing baby Philip:

"Those who sew in tears will reap with cries of joy." Psalms 126:5

Now Open for Prayer Requests!

2010-07-12T22:14:00.005-04:00

It has been a long time, but it has gone by so quickly! I am now just two weeks shy of my due date (July 25th) and wanted to start collecting any prayer requests that you ladies have. I'll be keeping them with me to offer up during the pains of labor. If you have any specific intentions, please leave a comment or you can pull my email address off of my profile. I'll actually get started on the prayers right away as I am in a decent amount of pain throughout these days. It is amazing what an extra 30+ pounds will do to a body!

Everything has gone really smoothly with the pregnancy. It got much easier over time as I was able to wean off of various meds and relax some of my monitoring. I have found such peace and joy during this time. The pregnancy has helped to heal many wounds and I am praying that each of you get to experience the same thing one day. We are still in amazement that this is actually happening. Just the other weekend, the hubs and I got to talking about how different things are now than they were just a year ago. Our cat had emergency surgery on the 4th of July and was in rough shape. We lost our third baby a year ago this weekend. The day after I had my D&C, we left for family vacation and had to put on a happy face for the week admist 30-40 of our family members, about half of whom were babies and children. I cried myself to sleep the first night of our vacation because when we entered our bedroom, the first thing I saw was a crib that had not been in there the last time we had stayed in that room (my husband disassembled it and put it in the closet that night - God bless him!). It was such a difficult time and to think that it is just a year later and we are moments away from meeting our baby boy is so amazing!

In practical news, I was able to negotiate a 10-hour work from home gig after my maternity leave. I am so happy that my company was willing to work with me on this. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and it is mind-boggling to think that I only have a couple more weeks left in the office! If things aren't working well, my husband is more than willing to let me quit my job, but it is nice to have the extra security right now.

You may recall that my sister was expecting a baby just a month before me. Baby Olivia Ann was born over a month early! She weighed just 4 lbs. 7 oz., but is absolutely perfect. She and my sister spent about a week in the hospital while they both worked through some medical issues. Olivia is now 7 weeks old and over 8 lbs! I have yet to meet her in person as they live halfway across the country. We are looking forward to meeting her this fall when we have our baptisms.

Although I have not been keeping up with commenting on blogs, I have been following what is going on. I am so excited about all the little blessings that are coming along right now! It is amazing how many lives have changed over the last year. I continue to keep everyone who is dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss in my daily prayers. May God bless each of you with the deepest desire of your heart!

Check This Out

2010-06-29T22:57:00.005-04:00

I'm baack! At least for a few posts. I promise a full update soon, but I wanted to share the video at the link below with you. Someone dear to me has been working on this project and from the first time I saw this video, I wanted to share it on my blog. Although not the original intention of the video, it ended up referring subtly to infertility, the fruitfulness of married couples with and without children, and openness to adoption.

Here is the link: http://www.usccb.org/marriageuniqueforareason/index.shtml

The video is 12.5 minutes long, which is much longer than most anything I'll watch online, so if you want to cut to the chase, you can skip up to about minute 8. If you are going to do that, wait for the full video to load first.

As a brief update, everything is going well with me and the baby. I am only 3.5 weeks until my due date and the baby has been looking great at all of my appointments. More details coming soon! You are all in my daily prayers.

Signing Off...Temporarily

2010-03-13T12:08:00.002-05:00

Wow! Has it already been a month since my last post? Things have been really busy lately and I am definitely having a hard time keeping up with the blogging/commenting. In fact, the only reason I have a chance to sit down and write this post today is that I accidentally booked my flight home from a business trip for the wrong day, and now I am stuck in Albuquerque until I can fly out later this afternoon.

I have decided to take a temporary blogging break. I have several projects I want to accomplish between now and July, so I want to try to focus my "free time" on those things. However, once the baby is born and I get adjusted, I fully intend to start a new blog. I will most definitely post any important updates on here, and of course a photo once the baby is born and link to my new site. And if I get so inspired, you may see a new devotional post in the meantime. I added my email to my profile page, so if anyone ever wants to send me a private message, please feel free. For those of you bloggers out there, you will still see me in your Comment boxes!

I hear you guys on the book idea. It has actually been swirling around in my mind from the beginning. I am thinking it may be a good project once I am (hopefully) staying at home. Anyone have any contacts in the Catholic book publishing world?

So before I sign off, I better leave you with one last update. My husband and I decided not to take the job that would allow us to move back to our home state. It was a hard decision, but we both feel at peace that this is the right decision for the time being. We are left with hope that in the next couple years, an opportunity may come up that would allow us to move. We will wait for God's timing.

And, I am now 21 weeks pregnant - halfway there! It's a little boy. I never knew how overwhelming that news would be until I experienced it. Perhaps it was a little more overwhelming for me because I only have an older sister and so the thought of raising a boy is a bit intimidating for me. But I keep being reassured that boys are much easier to raise than girls and that they have a special connection to their moms. My sister is expecting a little girl. My parents are thrilled to be getting one of each and at least I have someone to buy those cute little girl outfits for.

Thank you for all of your support and friendship over the past year. I keep all of you in my prayers each day and look forward to the day when God reveals His perfect plan for your families. God bless!

Blogiversary and What To Do About the Blog?

2010-02-15T18:12:00.001-05:00

First of all, thank you to everyone for your comments and prayers since my last post. I was truly touched by all your support! I feel so grateful that God has led me to where I am today and I am trying to really enjoy this exciting stage of life. I am so thankful that I am able to experience this. At the same time, I am keeping all of you close in prayer. I heard from a few of you for the first time and still have to stop by a few of your blogs for a visit/comment – this is coming soon!

February 2^nd marked my one year anniversary of becoming a blogger. What a year it has been! It was probably last January when I decided that I wanted to start a devotional-style blog for Catholic women struggling with infertility/pregnancy loss. The August before, I was having a very difficult time (my 30^th birthday and 6^th wedding anniversary were that month) and I decided to get a few books to help me cope. One was a devotional book, and though it was good, it was written by an Evangelical and I found it kind of hard to relate at times. There really is something different about Catholic spirituality and of course the values we hold as far as TTC. I briefly looked online at some of the Catholic infertile blogs, and didn't find anything with a devotional style, so I decided to go for it.

I immediately came up with all sorts of topics and fun titles for my blog posts. I found it interesting that although I started by using those initial brainstorm ideas, for the most part, life brought about topics for each week's blog posts and I rarely had to dig into my "blog brainstorm" file for an idea. I had a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy/selective HSG at the end of January, and starting this blog was one of my projects during my week off from work. I knew absolutely nothing about blogging and had only briefly visited a few blogs at that point. My how times have changed!

It has been great to meet so many of you online and to even meet a few of you in person! What a connection we share through our experiences even if we don't know each other IRL. It seems that every thought and emotion that you ladies have posted this year, I have experienced myself. On days when big news was coming, I would sit at work repeatedly refreshing your blog pages for the latest news. I have been so happy for some of you, your successes have brought tears to my eyes and for those who had difficult times, I found another types of tears pouring forth.

At times I wished I had another type of blog. One where I could just post about what was going on in my life, to pose questions that I knew I could get knowledgeable answers to from experienced women. But except for a few extenuating circumstances, I tried to keep to my format. I often wondered what people might think of me, if I was coming off as "holier than thou" in writing only devotional posts. If people thought that I had devotions to all the different prayers at the end of my posts, when in reality I had often just found them through a Google search moments before posting! I am certainly not a model of faith and have a lot of room for improvement – believe me. These blog posts were often the first time I really meditated on what God was trying to teach me through my sufferings. I suppose anyone who was turned off to my blog format doesn't read my posts anyway, so I need not worry.

At any rate, this anniversary comes at a critical time because obviously things are changing in my life. Although I still have a lot of feelings that I think I could work through, I am trying to decide what to do with this blog. I will certainly keep the blog active so that I can post comments on all of your sites; however, my news posts will probably be few and far between. I would like to keep up working through my post ideas and hopefully providing support to others through the blog, but it is time-consuming. I have a lot going on right now both personally and professionally that will keep me from my original goal of posting once a week. I am also a bit nervous about some new person finding my site one day and posting supportive comments, only to find out later that I am pregnant and feel like they were "lied" to.

Will I start a new blog? I'm not sure. I would like to be able to post some updates for anyone who would like to follow along with me. I know at times over the year, I had wished I had a "regular" blog so I could post about funny things that were happening in my life, but now, I'm not quite sure what I would write about in a new blog (other than the obvious). One of my IRL friends who blogs recently posted with questions about what purpose blogging serves. Does it do help me in any way? Am I a better person because of it? Does it make someone else's life better? The answers are different for each person/blog. This is part of my quandary about whether to start a new blog at this point. If I just post with pregnancy updates, would that really be helpful for me or others? I know all the comments/camaraderie are definitely helpful, but is the time spent worthwhile right now?

I wish there was some way to write posts that don't necessarily get posted on my main page, but that could be linked on the side. Anyone know how to do that? I tried to figure that out for my pregnancy announcement, but couldn't find anything. I'm sure that once this baby is born, I will start up a new blog, but I may go on a hiatus in the meantime as there is a lot to do, and I find it hard to keep up with blogging/commenting as it is now. So, what to do, what to do? Any thoughts are welcome.

On an unrelated note, I know that there are a lot of more urgent prayer requests right now, but if you happen to remember, please say a prayer for my husband and I's discernment. We are trying to decide whether my husband should take a new job position (if offered) which we had always thought would be the "dream job." Of course, nothing is perfect, and taking the job would involve a lot of risk and sacrifice. It would also mean we could move close to family which would be awesome at this stage of our life. Last week we were leaning one way, but this week we are leaning in the opposite direction, and both feeling at peace with it. However, we don't have the offer yet, and still want to get some questions answered and make sure we thoroughly think through all the benefits/drawbacks so that we come to the right decision. Thank you in advance for any prayers you can spare!

A Miracle in 2010!?!

2010-01-31T22:19:00.001-05:00

There has been a flurry of exciting news in the IF blogosphere recently and I am humbled to be able to add my own. The Friday before Thanksgiving I found out that I was pregnant! I had just gotten back in town from a business trip. I had expected to start my new cycle while on the trip. I filled up on all my medications for the month and packed my bag with feminine products, heating patches, and ibuprofen. The night I returned home, I pulled out my chart and realized I was already 20 DPO! Whoa, what infertile woman goes 20 DPO without noticing it (one who doesn't take her chart with her on business trips)! The next morning I went into the bathroom, thinking I had an extra test in the closet – nope, just a full pack of ovulation predictors. I went to the store, telling myself I couldn't be pregnant – a pregnant woman couldn't hold her first morning urine for long enough to go to the grocery store to pick up a test. But the test immediately came back positive!

So, here is the briefing of the info I know all of you will be most interested in, and if you want to read the full story of how I got through the first trimester, and how Dr. Kwak-Kim in Chicago helped me, you can read the longer post below.

We had started the month thinking it would be a break cycle. I had just had my surgery for Ashermans at the end of September and we thought we would wait one month to recover post-surgery and then hit things full force in November. Obviously that didn't happen. Dr. Stegman had ordered an ovulation ultrasound series. I wanted to make sure that my uterine lining was thick enough for a baby to implant (thin linings can be a symptom of Ashermans). It also meant I could check the ultrasound series off of my list of IF tests, as this was one thing that we hadn't done yet since we knew, with three conceptions, that I ovulate at least some months. During the ultrasound, everything looked great – my lining was measuring nice and thick, and I had several follicles growing. So we threw caution to the wind and gave it one shot…and it worked!

In the past, I have always gone a year-plus between pregnancies. This was the equivalent of getting pregnant two months in a row, though spaced out over a 5-month period due to pregnancy/miscarriage/post-miscarriage complications. I totally credit Dr. S for clearing my endo – I have gotten pregnant quickly two times since my laparoscopy in January. I credit Dr. KK for helping prevent a miscarriage this go round. It has been a crazy three+ months.

What I was doing:

Eating really healthy
Exercising a lot – increasing my variety and intensity
Taking Folgard for the first time (because of my MTHFR blood clotting disorder)
Baby Aspirin
Multi-vitamin
Flax Oil

What I wasn't doing:

Femara
Mucinex
B6
Amoxicillin
Progesterone

As you can tell by this belated announcement, it has taken me awhile to get used to the idea that I might actually carry to term. I am finally starting to pull out pregnancy books that have long been banished to the basement and I am trying to stop saying "if we have a baby in July." It is hard to transition between the IF/miscarriage world into the pregnant world as other pregnant bloggers have stated recently. I am also feeling a lot of "post-IF" blogger guilt. I don't understand why me and not so many of you. I so very wish that all of you will be in my position soon. Please know that you are in my prayers daily and that now that my prayers for myself have changed, I am able to focus my prayers even more intently on each of you.

At mass this morning, this verse stood out to me thinking about the process of TTC and all of you. "It [love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7 If that doesn't sum up what each of you ladies goes through day after day, I don't know what does.

The Full Story

2010-01-31T21:58:00.003-05:00

Earlier this fall I started thinking that I wasn't too happy with how my NAPRO doctor was responding to my miscarriages. He had done some tests and even found a couple of things (MTHFR heterozygous mutation [a blood-clotting disorder] and slightly elevated Natural Killer Cells). However, he thought both were minor issues and didn't need treatment – not even baby aspirin or extra folic acid which is pretty standard for a MTHFR diagnosis. I got to thinking, I have had three miscarriages and my sister has had two. Between the two of us, we have had five miscarriages and have never carried out of the first trimester. I felt strongly that there was something going on – this was not just random.

For a few months, on the Catholic Fertility Yahoo! Group there has been a lot of talk about Dr. Joanne Kwak-Kim, a reproductive immunologist in Chicago. I knew that she takes miscarriages seriously, that she takes insurance, and is pretty easy to get into, so we decided to give it a shot. I wanted to try to get in before the end of the year because I had already spent so much money in insurance, I knew it would be way cheaper to get all of her tests run in 2009 than it would be if I waited until 2010. I sent in all my paperwork and records in October. Not two hours after getting my positive pregnancy test, I got a call from her office wanting to set up my initial visit! They could get me in around mid-December. I let the receptionist know that I had just found out I was pregnant and that I wasn't sure if I should still plan to come now, or just wait and see what happened (I know her treatments are best started pre-conceptually). She said she would have a nurse give me a call back. The doctor went ahead and looked through my files that day and a nurse called me shortly afterwards. She said that from the information they had, she definitely felt I needed to be on some different medicine and that mid-December would be too late. Dr. Kwak said that if I could come out to Chicago on Monday or Tuesday, they would work me into their schedule (this was a Friday). So, I got on the phone with my husband and we decided to go for it. God was obviously opening some doors for us. I spent the rest of the day at work booking flights, hotel, car rental, and getting directions. We took off on Sunday night and were in her office first thing Monday morning.

I loved everyone on her staff! We were basically the first people there for the day and they brought me right in for an ultrasound. We were able to see the fetal sac and the yolk sac and we were only 5 weeks, 2 days. This was huge for us, as with our first and third pregnancies the yolk sac never developed. They were also able to tell me within 15 minutes of getting to the office that the blood flow to the baby was not good – the pressure within the vessels was too high. Next, I got my blood drawn – 21 vials! Then they let us leave for about an hour to get some breakfast because Dr. Kwak had a phone consult with another patient – I love that they didn't waste our time. When we got back, Dr. Kwak came in for an exam – she said, "I'll do a quick physical and then we'll go into the conference room to get some real work done." They brought my husband in and we went to the conference room, joined by two other doctors. Dr. Kwak went over my records and was able to tell me three things off the bat that could be causing my miscarriages. 1. The blood flow to the uterus; 2. The MTHFR; 3. The high NK cells. She explained how they all affected the baby and wrote the orders for my medications then and there. Before I left, the nurse taught me how to give myself injections of Lovenox, gave me a shot in the butt of progesterone, and left me with some samples of medicines.

Her protocol was as follows:

Lovenox for the blood flow to the uterus and MTHFR
Baby aspirin for the same
Metanx (folic acid/B vitamin combo – the 2^nd generation Folgard) for the MTHFR
Prednisone for the NK cells
Prometrium – for progesterone support and for NK cells
Calcium and Vitamin D supplements (because Lovenox can cause bone loss)
Weekly blood work
Weekly ultrasounds in first trimester
Exercise was limited to only low-impact aerobics, swimming, or yoga; 5-7 lb. hand weights; no ab work

We were thrilled to finally have some answers as to why we were losing our babies! Also, my progesterone level was at a 30, unsupplemented which was huge for me. When I did my hormone profile a year ago, my progesterone averaged a 5 post-peak!

We went home for Thanksgiving and my parents took us on a getaway weekend to the Georgia mountains. While there, I started spotting. I waited until the evening to tell my husband and we never told my parents. The following Tuesday, I was still spotting. We had an ultrasound and saw the baby and the heartbeat! I had a second episode of spotting about a week later. All ultrasounds were showing a healthy baby, measuring with to-the-day accuracy and a strong heartbeat. Thank God!

I had an OB appointment at Tepeyac at 8 weeks and Dr. B was on board and excited about my treatment plan. I think he thought it was overkill (I wondered as well, but found out at week 10 that it was not), but he said why not throw in the kitchen sink? He also said he was going to present me as a case study at their next doctor's meeting. I am legend now!

The Monday after Christmas I had a follow-up phone consult with Dr. Kwak to go over all my bloodwork results. I was at 10 weeks. Two new issues were found: Elevated Th1/Th2 cells, treated with Prednisone which I was already on. A homozygous mutation of PAI-1 (a blood-clotting disorder). Over the summer, my sister found out she had PAI-1 and I requested to get tested. The results came back negative as you may remember from this post. I thought it was weird that my sister would have it and I didn't, and always wondered if I should get retested. Well, thank goodness Dr. Kwak ran the test! I have since found out that there are two PAI-1 tests that can be run. One is for the polymorphism (genetic disorder) and the other is a PAI-level (I'm guessing this is testing your blood-clotting rate). I only had my levels tested this summer and those came back normal. I had no idea that the genetic test was never run – once again, thank God for Dr. Kwak! Treatment for PAI-1 is Lovenox which I was already on and possibly Metformin. Because my glucose and insulin levels were in range, she didn't think I needed to go on Metformin, but had my levels retested to make sure they were still normal. She also said to cut back on carbs and sugars and to focus on good carbs (whole grains). This is exactly what I was doing pre-conceptually, but due to the holidays and some queasiness, I had not kept up with the program. Testosterone was also found to be a little high, but the Prednisone works to counteract that, so all that was needed was a retest.

The blood flow to the baby had not improved, though hadn't gotten worse, which is good considering that the baby had grown from imperceptible on an ultrasound to over 4 cm. We upped my dose of Lovenox to 60 mg twice a day.

Next we found out some bad news. The blood lab had not sent my results to her office since the end of November! Originally I was asking for my results, but they were coming back good and I didn't want to obsess, so I stopped asking about them. I have never had a problem with a doctor getting my lab results, so I was quite surprised. One of the nurses spent the entire time I was on the phone with Dr. Kwak calling the lab to get my results and during that time they only found the most recent lab (which was obviously most important). The results were not good. In the past month, my progesterone had dropped from 58 (excellent) to 14 (horrible). My estrogen had dropped from 480 (perfect) to 130 (bad). She ordered two forms of estrogen for me, had me up my Prometrium and add progesterone injections. It seemed like overkill with two forms of each hormone, but I knew my hormones would be tested a week later and my meds would be changed up. The next day, like clockwork, I started spotting – the first I had seen in weeks. We were able to get an ultrasound for that Thursday (New Year's Eve) and prayed that it would turn out okay, otherwise we were going to have a horrible start to the new year. Luckily everything was great – I didn't even realize just how nervous I was until after we saw the baby and heartbeat on the ultrasound. It took a while for the butterflies to go away.

We retested my hormones the next week, the lab actually sent the results on time, and everything had much improved. I was able to halve both progesterone supplements and she wanted me to stay on the same protocol for estrogen. An ultrasound showed that the blood flow to the baby had improved as well with the increased dosage of Lovenox. I am now starting to wean off of the estrogen, Prednisone, and progesterone. Hopefully I will be able to come off of all of them at some point this trimester.

In other exciting news, my sister is also pregnant and is due one month ahead of me (I'm due July 25). Being my older sister, I am glad that she is able to take her rightful place in the family as the first to have a baby, although I am not letting her have too much time in the spotlight!

For those of you who have read this far, I am guessing you wouldn't mind seeing a couple ultrasound pictures, so here is my two favorites from the past few months. These are both from 11 weeks. We are so lucky to have picture of our baby's development week by week, and now bi-weekly.

God Provides

2010-01-18T17:05:00.002-05:00

I was quite curious as to how much money I spent on fertility testing/treatments this past year. I knew that it was more than we had ever spent before as I had three surgeries, tons of bloodwork, countless ultrasounds and more medications than ever. In all of this, I never knew how much insurance would be covering, and just had to trust. We are very lucky to have an amazing insurance plan. We have truly been blessed by this. Even with seeing three out-of-state doctors and having all surgeries at out-of-state hospitals, everything has been in-network! Being that we get our insurance through a Catholic organization, I am sure that they have a lot of restrictions on what is covered as far as fertility testing and treatment. Hats off to my doctors for always coding my visits and orders in ways that were chargeable under my insurance plan!

So, I spent a thrilling evening in front of my computer with all my insurance statements from the year to do some calculations. This may not be totally complete, but the gist is:

Insurance was billed about $63,000 for this year's events. They handily cut that down to only $17,500, of which I was charged $3,600. Medications kicked our out-of-pocket payments over the $4,000 mark. Overall, not bad at all! Considering that ART procedures could cost several times that amount and that I have REAL answers to my problems and will not have resort to expensive ART "treatments" every time I want a baby, working within the guidelines of the Church really pays off!

I am so thankful that God has provided for us this past year. Without insurance, there is no way we could have afforded this level of testing and treatment. God also provided so that we could afford to make out of town trips, some requiring hotel rooms and flights without breaking our budget. And he even allowed us to have flexible enough work schedules that we could literally take days off of work to make visits to doctors and recover from surgery, sometimes on just days notice!

Looking into our future, we know that at this time next year, we may have a different insurance plan. How expensive that plan will be and how flexible it will be in covering future fertility expenses is a total unknown. So it is amazing to see God's hand at work. I feel that we have covered so many bases and received so many answers over the past few years when we have had affordable and comprehensive insurance. We have been able to check so many things off of our list that we will not have to repeat in the future. How generous God has been with us. He knew what we would need at this time in our lives and He provided. Insurance, flexible work schedules, and access to excellent doctors are definitely not things that I thank God for on a regular basis, but what a gift they have been!

"If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?' All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides." Matthew 6:30-33

"If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him." Matthew 7:11

"Are not five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them has escaped the notice of God. Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:6-7

"My God will fully supply whatever you need, in accord with his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Reflection Questions
1. In what ways has God provided for me on this journey?

2. What doors has He opened that I did not expect?

3. Do I remember to thank God for the mundane things in life – even insurance and doctors?

Prayer of Thanksgiving

Almighty God, Father of all mercies,
we your unworthy servants give you humble thanks for all your goodness and loving-kindness to us and to all whom you have made.
We bless you for our creation, preservation, and all the blessings of this life;
but above all for your immeasurable love in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ; for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory.
And, we pray, give us such an awareness of your mercies, that with truly thankful hearts we may show forth your praise, not only with our lips, but in our lives, by giving up ourselves to your service, and by walking before you in holiness and righteousness all our days;
through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit, be honor and glory throughout all ages. Amen.

Humbled

2010-01-10T22:06:00.002-05:00

After mass on New Year's Day, we were blessed to be asked by friends to be godparents for their little boy (to be born a few days later). It is always humbling to be asked to be godparents, especially for people who you aren't related to, but this one was especially humbling. Why? Because I remember how I felt that day when they announced after mass that they were expecting. I remember the look my husband and I exchanged when another set of friends exited the church and we again witnessed to the pregnancy announcement. I remember trying to unsuccessfully tune out all the giddy talk that was exchanged between some of the girls while I tried to focus on a conversation with the guys. I remember not responding to the mass-emailed pregnancy announcement that was sent a couple days later (I had already said my congrats in person, no need to do it again via email, right?).

Were my feelings unwarranted? No, they were true to my situation. Was I wrong to focus inward on what I didn't have instead of on the joy of a birth announcement? Probably. I have a major tendency to be self-focused, especially related to anything having to do with pregnancies or babies. Was I putting up defense mechanisms to protect my aching heart? Definitely.

But God works with us despite our weaknesses. We see it throughout salvation history. God takes sinful and weak men and makes them the great leaders and figures of the bible. God can take us where we are and work through us as long as we allow ourselves to be His instruments. Sometimes He asks us to do things we do not wish to do, but when we take on His challenge, we find that we benefit more than we sacrifice.

How incredible to see God taking my weakness and turning it into something beautiful. This little boy and this family will always be connected to us. In fact, we will have responsibility towards this child – something we never expected that spring day.

"Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are trembling." Psalm 6:3

"Those whose steps are guided by the Lord; whose way God approves, may stumble, but they will never fall, for the Lord holds their hand." Psalms 37:23-24

"Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.' I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me." 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

"For God is the one who, for his good purpose, works in you both to desire and to work." Philippians 2:13

Reflection Questions
1. Have I fallen into focusing on myself instead of the joys and sorrows of those around me?
2. Am I open to God's call, even if it is something I do not want to do?
3. How is God using my weaknesses for good?

Litany of Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From
the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

A New Year's Reflection

2010-01-03T20:09:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year! The new year has always been a time of excitement for me. It helps to have a set time where I can think about what I want to accomplish in the year ahead, instead of letting life flash before my eyes. For me, last New Year’s was different. Instead of excitement about the year ahead, I felt…nervous. I had never sat up on New Year’s Eve feeling nervous about what may be in store in the year to come. It perturbed me because I knew that the nervousness was related to my infertility and miscarriages. Infertility had taken over so much of my life that instead of feeling hopeful anticipation about the year ahead, I was worried about what may be in store. I feared another pregnancy loss and how I would cope. I’m sure my laparoscopy that was scheduled for the end of January contributed to the nervousness as well.

But I made it through 2009. It was filled with lots of doctor’s appointments, three surgeries, one pregnancy loss, my sister’s loss of her second baby, a short-lived case of Asherman’s Syndrome, and diagnosis of endometriosis, two blood-clotting disorders, and hormonal issues. I also made it to the magic number of three miscarriages when doctor’s agree extensive testing must be done and they classify you as a recurrent miscarrier. But I found that even with three miscarriages, most doctors still blow off the issue unless they can find something significant in their testing.

When I went to write our Christmas letter this year, I gave up and decided to just write a short, hand-written note in each card. This isn’t exactly the type of news that Christmas letters are made of, and we didn’t do anything too exciting during the year other than some visits with family. Still, 2009 didn’t conquer me and I ended feeling thankful for the gifts that I do have. Some of our friends faced so many challenges this year, and even though last year wasn’t great, I am definitely thankful that I don’t have to bear the crosses that some of our friends have been asked to carry.

Looking into 2010, I am not nervous. I found that even though difficult things happened in 2009, there was still a lot of joy and happiness in our lives. I am blessed with an amazing husband who is perfect for me. We live comfortably, have secure jobs, enjoy close relationships with our families, and have developed some wonderful friendships. Most of all, I know that God is always with me, even when I don’t understand what He is doing with my life or why He is taking so long in answering my prayers. He is generous in the grace that He shares. His love is ever faithful, even when I am not. It is so easy to focus on this life, to think about what I do or do not have, the dreams that were not realized this past year. It is so easy to forget that I am living for the life to come. I will only find true contentment in heaven. I have cause for joy and hope in my Savior. May this year bring all of us closer to the joys of heaven!

“Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.” Matthew 6:34a

“I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us.” Romans 8:18

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:18

Reflection Questions
1. How has the Lord worked in my life over the past year?
2. What non-fertility related goals can I set for myself in 2010?
3. What can I do this year to bring me closer to the goal of reaching heaven?

Opening Prayer from Mass
Father of light, unchanging God, today you reveal to men of faith the resplendent fact of the Word made flesh. Your light is strong, your love is near; draw us beyond the limits which this world imposes, to the life where your Spirit makes all life complete. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

Never Enough

2009-12-21T23:07:00.001-05:00

I have been working on reading through the bible the last couple years. It has been great to read scripture and learn more about salvation history. After beginning to write this blog, I started reading scripture through a framework of infertility. I am always looking for good quotes (that I can take out of context) to fit my posts. Psalms and Job were especially fruitful and I definitely recommend reading through those books from an infertile perspective. I finished Proverbs the other week and one verse towards the end of the book has really stuck with me.

“Three things are never satisfied, four never say, ‘Enough!’ The nether world, and the barren womb; the earth, that is never saturated with water, and fire, that never says, ‘Enough!’” Proverbs 30:15b-16

I found it so interesting that the writer included the barren womb. How true that statement is! As I go through year after year, doctor after doctor, loss after loss, sometimes I feel that I have hit a wall. This process can be so long and sometimes it can feel that we may never reach our desired goal. But I continue to press on. Even after my darkest days of feeling that I can’t go on, I one day wake up with a refreshed resolve to continue.

Even my family has occasionally told me I should seek adoption after all this time (that is a topic for another post). I know that the situation may seem hopeless to them, or that they are wondering why I would put myself through so much, but to me, there is always something new to pursue. There is always hope. All of the doctor’s appointments, time off work, time spent in waiting rooms and on the phone, medications and their lovely side effects, and emotional burdens have truly added up, especially this past year. When I read on message boards about other women who have had multiple miscarriages, there are so many horror stories of things that have gone wrong. I wonder how many times I can do this to myself without something like that happening to me. I know it must be hard for my family and friends to understand why this barren womb will never say, “Enough!”

I have seen the same characteristic in so many other bloggers who I have been able to keep up with for (almost) a year. Some of you have been on this journey longer than I. Some have never conceived in that time. We all face moments of darkness and the feeling that this is too much, but we all find something that pushes us to continue. I know some are working towards acceptance and moving past formal treatments, but the prayer in your hearts is always, “Thy will be done” and the openness to life still remains.

I truly feel that God is leading me to continue. It seems that even though we’ve come so far, there is still much to explore. That although we’ve aged, there is still more time. We each promised in our wedding vows to accept children lovingly from God, and it seems that the graces received from the sacrament are working actively in our hearts. We still desire to fulfill that vow, and have made (heroic) efforts to achieve that end. Those graces have brought us this far, and I’m sure they will continue to direct our paths until we finally accomplish the work that God is bringing forth in us.

“With full voice I cry to the Lord; with full voice I beseech the Lord. Before God I pour out my complaint, lay bare my distress. My spirit is faint within me, but you know my path.” Psalm 142:2-4

“In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

“In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will.” Romans 8:26-27

Reflection Questions
1. What causes me to feel burnt out in this journey?
2. What motivates me to keep pushing after hitting a wall?
3. In what direction is God directing my path at this point?

A Gift of Mercy

2009-12-09T21:03:00.001-05:00

When I was going through my miscarriages, certain words sprung to mind. It is always very difficult for me to pray at these times and these words are what I clung to. After my third loss, I realized that all of the prayers had to do with mercy.

During my first loss, I was completely shocked and devastated. The only words that came to mind were, "Jesus, I trust in you." It took me almost a year before I made the connection that this was the prayer of Divine Mercy. For our second pregnancy, I made it all the way to 12 weeks. We saw the heartbeat and thought everything was going to be fine. But one Monday morning I woke up and found that I was spotting. I ran straight back to my bed and sobbed. The prayer that came out was, "God, have mercy on us!" After things started looking bad on the ultrasounds for our third baby, the words that came to mind were from Psalm 130, "Out of the depths I call to you, Lord; Lord, hear my cry!" When I looked up the rest of the psalm, I found that the following verse was "May your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy."

For a few months after my last loss, I have been pondering what God's message was to me regarding mercy. When I think of God's mercy, I usually think of forgiveness of sins; however, that was not the type of mercy that I associate with my losses. Instead, I was asking God to look on me in my suffering and to have compassion. To lift me out of the depths and transform my suffering.

I eventually had to ask my husband what insights he could take from my prayers. What followed were some of the most beautiful words about suffering and the gift of mercy. I actually pulled out a pen and paper and started taking notes! Here were some of his thoughts:

During times of suffering, we receive intuitions of God's closeness. We are more receptive to God's compassion because we can relate to Jesus' innocent suffering in the closest way possible. In our sufferings, we are raised up and brought into the mystery of God's love. The innocent are purified, raised up in suffering. When we are feeling at our lowest, we can use the words that Jesus prayed on the cross, "Father, into your hands I commend my spirit."

Mercy is revealed in suffering. The Father's mercy is always a suffering with, not standing extrinsic from the situation. The depths of our suffering can be reached by God – mercy is never far. We need this mercy and grace to be healed.

Until recently, I haven't done much thinking about God's mercy and how it relates to the suffering of infertility and miscarriage. In the times when I lost my babies, if you had asked me what I needed most from God, I probably would have said "peace" or "comfort." I find it interesting that my soul knew what my intellect did not. That God could not grant me peace of comfort in those times because grief cannot be covered – it must be worked through. Even Jesus grieved for Lazarus before raising him from the dead. My soul knew that I needed to pray for God's mercy. And in those hours of suffering, God lifted me up to experience His loving mercy – although it didn't relieve my suffering, it allowed me to experience a unity with the suffering Christ that I was unable to comprehend at the time.

"Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are trembling. In utter terror is my soul – and you, Lord, how long...? Turn, Lord, save my life; in your mercy rescue me." Psalm 6:3-5

"So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help." Hebrews 4:16

"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity." James 3:17

Reflection Questions

In what ways does God offer mercy?
How is God's mercy revealed in suffering?
What gifts have I received from God in unexpected times?

Three O' Clock Prayer to the Divine Mercy

You expired, O Jesus,
but the source of life gushed forth for souls
and an ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world.
O Fount of Life,
unfathomable Divine Mercy,
envelop the whole world
and empty Yourself out upon us.
O Blood and Water,
which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus
as a fount of mercy for us,
I trust in You.
Amen.

Slacking

2009-12-03T17:18:00.002-05:00

When I first started this blog, I had hoped to post once a week. That was going well for a while, but this fall I obviously fell off the wagon. Work tends to be really busy for me in the fall with lots of travel and overtime. This fall was no different, and so posting once a week and commenting on everyone's blogs has not been happening. But I am still out here and doing well! I've been trying to keep up with everyone at least peripherally but haven't been able to do much commenting. I am hoping to get back on the bandwagon next week. You all remain in my thoughts and prayers even if I am a slacker! Happy Advent!

One of these Things is Not Like the Others

2009-11-15T21:12:00.002-05:00

Sometimes we IFers stick out like a sore thumb. It can feel so obvious to us that we are different then the other people we interact with because of our IF.

Take a visit to the doctor's office. First off, the nurse pulls my file and it is 2-3 inches thick. And that is not because I have been a patient there for years or because I have had several pregnancies with this practice. No, I have been with the office for less than one year and have had no births. Then we go into the waiting area. Everyone else in the room is pregnant. They are happily thumbing through their pregnancy and parenting magazines and dutifully carrying their bottles of water. Then I walk in. Instead of carrying a magazine, I am carrying a thick black binder with all of my medical records and select research articles. I pull out something from work that I can proofread – no time for leisure reading – I am a career woman (ha ha!).

Or how about the last baptism I attended? While everyone else was smiling and sending warm thoughts during the blessing of the mother I was trying to hold back tears and wondering how I was going to look and act normal when this thing is over and we have to socialize. At the reception all the other women my age are quietly breastfeeding their babies or chasing around little ones. They barely have a chance to hold an adult conversation. Pan across the room and there I am, saddled up next to the bar and hanging out with all the guys in the room. (Yes, thankfully this baptism reception included an open bar!)

Then there is church. We are very blessed to go to an awesome church with faithful priests and laypeople. Our priests often preach about the good of family and having babies. On one hand it is great because you don't hear sermons like that in many churches these days. But I always feel a little awkward. When the priests talk about what a blessing children are and how couples should be open to it, I feel like everyone is staring at my husband and I and thinking, "I'm glad they're here to listen to this sermon." It's not that anyone in church ever says anything. They probably aren't thinking about us at all, but as I sit alone with my husband year after year, looking at all the families around me, I feel like we are sticking out like a sore thumb during those sermons.

Walking in Catholic circles, sometimes I feel like I want to wear a sign that proclaims, "I am not contracepting, I am infertile." We may feel like our lack of fertility makes us stand out from others, but I don't think people dwell on it as much as we think they do. A lot of our self-consciousness and feelings of not belonging are self-inflicted. Acquaintances are not necessarily judging us for being childless, just as we are not always judging them for the cars they drive, clothes they wear, jobs they have, or number of kids they've had. If we feel isolated from our old friends, we have to ask ourselves whether it is our friends isolating us, or if we are doing it to ourselves. Sure, there are certain things our friends are doing that we can't – like going to play groups or getting together in the middle of the day when we are working. And they may not be as good about keeping in contact with us as they used to be. But am I isolating myself from them as well? Am I still trying to keep in touch with my friends and planning get togethers at times that work for both our schedules? I know that I have lost contact with some of my friends because after they had kids, they stopped initiating contact and I felt like I was always the one having to reach out. Although our lives may be vastly different now, we still share a friendship.

Sometimes it is hard to be the one who is different, but everyone has something that they feel keeps them from fitting in. Maybe this experience is meant to teach us to reach out to others when they may feel uncomfortable or like they don't fit in. Hopefully that is not the only thing we going through this for, but at least maybe that is a small part of what we are supposed to be learning. J

Reflection Questions

How do I deal with feeling different from my friends and acquaintances?
Do I isolate myself from friends and family who have children?
How have friends and family shown their support for me during times of suffering?

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

"Thus says the Lord, cease your cries of mourning, wipe the tears from your eyes. The sorrow you have shown shall have its reward, says the Lord. There is hope for your future, says the Lord." Jeremiah 31:16-17

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

God’s Timing?

2009-10-20T00:07:00.002-04:00

(Health update at bottom of post)

After my second miscarriage, my aunt called to check on me. During her words of consolation, she told me that maybe it was God's way of telling me that it is not time for us yet. Definitely not something you want to say to someone after a miscarriage! After my third, my Mom chimed in with the same thought. I know what they are thinking – once my husband is finished with his Ph.D, and gets a job in academia, then we will be in a perfect position to have children, but not now while he is in school. But this reasoning really gets to me. Why would God put it in my heart that I wanted a baby at age 27 when He wasn't planning to give me a baby until I was 32, or even older? Wouldn't He just wait until it was the "perfect" timing and then put the desire in my heart? Does He really want me to go through years of suffering and loss instead of placing a child in my arms?

In a weird way, it does make some sense. If God knew that it would take me years to get to the bottom of all my fertility problems, maybe He put the desire in my heart at an earlier age so that when it was His perfect timing, all of my issues would be sorted out and viola!, a baby will arrive. But couldn't God help me solve my fertility issues without me having to go through this TTC nightmare? He could have made my cycles crazy so that I would get my hormone levels checked out and corrected. He could have given me unmistakable signs of endo (not that I am wishing for that) so that I would have it removed prior to TTC.

He could have done all sorts of different things, but this is what He chose for me. I am left wondering why. Why is my strongest desire – to become a mother – going unfulfilled? Why do I have this desire if it is not God's will for me? I know that I have been growing through this experience – learning patience, trust, surrender, humility, dying to self – but is that my answer? Did I have to lose three babies to learn that? I will cherish my children in a special way because of this. But did I need to go through this for 3.5 years to learn the value of fertility and children (no!). Those answers just aren't satisfying to me right now.

Well, I originally wrote a different conclusion to this post. I wasn't very happy with it, but I just wanted to finish this post off since I was finding no inspiration. Then all of a sudden a thought came to my mind. What if we had waited to start trying until "God's perfect timing?" That means that even though we would have been using NFP and therefore somewhat open to life, we still would have been actively trying to avoid a pregnancy for our first 7 or more years of marriage. And while that may be okay for some couples, maybe that wouldn't have been okay for us. Maybe it would have led us to be more self-centered (I already have enough problems with that). Maybe we would have grown apart. Maybe as our personal income levels increased, we would have gotten caught up in a materialistic lifestyle. Maybe we wouldn't realize the precious gift that children are and therefore would postpone trying to have a baby until it really was too late. Instead, He has provided us with a cross that has drawn us closer together. We have a united front in trying to address our fertility issues. We have supported one another in our times of loss. No one can comfort me the way that my husband is able to – even though this cross is shared by many, it is still very personal to each couple. We have put off moving into a bigger place, or buying new cars and other creature comforts in order to save money for future needs – either so that I can someday be a stay at home mom, or we will have money to pursue adoption. We have a common goal and dream. We desire something that is very good. Even though God's timing is mysterious, tonight I will cling to Romans 8:28, a verse that has sometimes been hard to understand on this journey. "We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose."

"Our soul waits for the Lord, who is our help and shield. For in God our hearts rejoice; in your holy name we trust. May your kindness, Lord, be upon us; we have put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22

"At dawn let me hear of your kindness, for in you I trust. Show me the path I should walk, for to you I entrust my life." Psalm 143:8

"The Lord supports all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look hopefully to you; you give them their food in due season, You open wide your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing." Psalm 145:14-16

Reflection Questions

Is God calling me to stay on my current path?
What can I learn from experiencing unfulfilled desire?
How has being fully open to life effected my relationship with my spouse?

A Prayer to St. Gerard for Motherhood

O glorious Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, and wonder worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. You who always fulfilled God's will on earth, help me to do God's holy will. Intercede with the Giver of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, that I may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the kingdom of heaven. Amen.

Health Update: My new cycle started this weekend and all of my symptoms from the last two months have been relieved. In the first morning of my cycle, I had already seen more AF than I have the last two cycles combined! So I am very thankful that I was able to identify my problem and have surgery so quickly. It looks like I made the right decision. There are still some complications that could arise, but for now, all signs are looking good. Usually I am praying that I won't get a period, but for the past three months, I have been anxiously awaiting a period as a sign that my body is recovering from the miscarriage. I have never said so many prayers of thanksgiving for a period before this weekend! Many thanks again for your prayers for me.

Green with Envy

2009-10-12T23:32:00.001-04:00

Isn't it crazy how infertility leads us to view good things as negative and vice versa? We hope that our doctors will find something wrong with us instead of hoping for perfect health. The night before my laparoscopy, I suddenly started getting nervous that my doctor would find nothing. It hadn't really occurred to me before that point in time, but what would we do if all of the build up to surgery and the pain to follow was for nothing? I cannot imagine how hard it is to be diagnosed with unexplained infertility. At least if our doctors find something, we will be able to work to correct it.

I felt the disappointment of good health the other week when we met with my doctor. Back up to the day that we lost our last baby. My sister called to let me know her doctor had found a blood clotting disorder in her workup. This disorder causes both recurrent early pregnancy loss and late pregnancy loss, but it is easily treated. I thought we had finally found the cause of our pregnancy losses and had hope that next time would be different. But my test came back negative. I should have been rejoicing as this disorder can lead to other problems such as diabetes and heart disease. However, I felt…disappointed.

Then there is the phenomenon of feeling sad when hearing happy news. Pregnancy announcements, baptisms, and kid's birthday parties should bring us joy. And we do feel joy for our friends and family. We may enjoy being included in the special events of our loved one's lives. But underlying the impulse of joy is a twinge (or more) of sadness and longing. A realization that other's lives are moving forward while our lives feel like they are permanently on hold. The scenario was played out so realistically in the movie Julie and Julia when Julia sobs at the news that her sister is pregnant while continually saying to her husband, "I am so happy for her." Many of us had strong emotional reactions to that scene because we knew exactly what Julia was experiencing. It is a mixture of competing emotions that can leave our head's spinning.

I am part of a group at church that has been studying the US Catholic Catechism for Adults over the past two years. We are almost finished! This week we discussed the 10^th commandment "You shall not covet your neighbor's goods." The discussion of the 10th commandment focused on envy and one quote from the catechism grabbed me. "Envy is an attitude of sadness at the sight of another's prosperity. It can create a disordered desire to acquire such goods, even by unjust means. Envy tightens the heart and subdues love. For this reason, envy is considered a Capital Sin" (one of seven sins that can lead into more serious sin). Wow – does some of that ring true for me! The Catechism didn't just leave me to feel guilty though – it gave me some advice on how to overcome envy. "Baptized people should counter envy with humility, thanksgiving to God for his gifts to oneself and to others, goodwill, and surrender to the providence of God (cf. CCC, no. 2554)." Humility, thanksgiving, goodwill, and surrender. I know that surrender and thanksgiving are frequent blog topics and something that I need to continually work on. But do I ever think about humility or goodwill? Yes, we automatically experience these things at times, but do we truly work towards them as a means of combating IF envy? It seems that there is always more work to be done in getting through IF gracefully – more layers to peel off the onion. But how blessed we are that God offers us the graces we need to combat our weaknesses, even if imperfectly.

"A tranquil mind gives life to the body, but jealousy rots the bones." Proverbs 14:30

"Rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, insincerity, envy, and all slander." 1Peter 2:1

"Finally, all of you, be of one mind, sympathetic, loving toward one another, compassionate, humble." 1 Peter 3:8

"As each one has received a gift, use it to serve one another as good stewards of God's varied grace." 1 Peter 4:10

"All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. (And) be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ." Ephesians 4:31-32

Reflection Questions

In what ways has IF affected my ways of thinking?
How does envy play into my life?
What are some virtues I can work on to combat these feelings?

An Act of Contrition

My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In His Name, my God, have mercy.
Amen.

One Track Mind

2009-10-05T22:59:00.009-04:00

I have a one track mind, and although it does pertain to s*x, it is not what you think. IF has slowly taken over my whole life, including all of my thoughts, it seems. It is really remarkable how much time and energy I spend thinking about IF. Praying the rosary? My mind is probably wandering to IF, and if I am focusing, I am likely trying to connect each mystery to IF. Focusing on that conference call? Doubtful – I am probably thinking about my most recent doctor’s appointment. Looking super serious and focused in spinning class – not likely because I am pushing myself to my limit. It is probably because I am thinking about my pregnancy losses. Listening to my husband talk about his day at work? It may look like that, but really I am thinking about calling my doctors office to order my most recent medical records, figuring out when I am going to get my next blood draw, and trying to remember if I took all my meds/supplements that day. I honestly think my husband would be shocked if he realized just how much of my thoughts were consumed by this. He is focused on his own challenges, and although IF is one of them, it is more likely that his one-track mind has something to do with his looming dissertation. It doesn’t help that my new hobby is blogging and I spend my leisure time checking everyone’s updates. That just raised the intensity level a few notches higher!

It is fine to spend a certain amount of time focusing on IF. As women, we are naturally connected to IF in ways that our husbands aren’t. Each day is a whole new experience – we are checking our fertility signs and wondering whether we are having pregnancy symptoms or just PMS. We may have to keep track of an ever-changing mix of medications and supplements. We are the ones who have to decide whether to POAS. Then there are the emotions we face when seeing pregnant women, or friends with children, or engaging in certain conversations. And don’t forget about that never ending stack of books and articles there are to read to try to find “the answer.” It can be absolutely exhausting! But letting IF become all-consuming can lead to real problems. Am I not being as productive at work because I am not focusing during meetings, or am I spending too much time consulting Dr. Google instead of working on my tasks? Am I fostering good communication in my relationships if I am tuning people out and focusing inward? Is my faith life suffering because I am not centering myself during prayer? Mind control can be so difficult, especially if, like me, you have let yourself slack for a while now.

One quote has been coming to mind tonight, I think I got this from a retreat. “Be where you are.” It is so easy for me to let my mind take off to IF-land. But I need to really live my life – to live in the moment and enjoy where God has placed me right now. When I am in a social situation, I should be enjoying the company I am surrounded with. When I am at church, I should be practicing the presence of God. And I should actually put in a full day’s work so that I don’t feel like I am always running behind! I need to make the most of all of this “me-time” that I have been blessed with right now. Even though I would much rather be offering myself as a gift to my child, I know that the day will come when I will wish I had a free moment to explore my own interests or spend in quiet reflection.

I have been feeling the need to find something to put my energies into, especially since I am in post-m/c, post-surgery purgatory with no idea when I will emerge with the green light to TTC. I am feeling like plunging myself into some kind of intense exercise regimen – doing something that I wouldn’t want to do when TTC. However, this weekend I just wasn’t feeling 100% over surgery. So I finally decided to start tackling a scrapbook of our trip to Italy…two years ago. I have had the pictures sitting in a box under my bed for close to two years, picked out the album a year ago, and had not touched it. But this weekend I finally started working on it (see the fruits of my first days on the job below). It was so refreshing to have something else to get obsessive over. And I have to admit, this would be hard to do if I had little ones to take care of!

“You shall not have other gods besides me.” Exodus 20:3
“Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

Reflection Questions
1. How much of my time is spent pursuing things related to infertility?
2. Has this reached an unhealthy or counterproductive level in my life?
3. What are some things other things that I can put my energies into right now? Are there any projects I have been putting off, or would I like to pursue a new hobby?

“Examine yourself often, at least at night and morning, as to whether your soul is ‘in your hand’ or whether it has been wrested thence by any passionate or anxious emotion. See whether your soul is fully under control, or whether it has not in anywise escaped from beneath your hand, to plunge into some unruly love, hate, envy, lust, fear, vexation, or joy. And if it has so strayed, before all else seek it out, and quietly bring it back to the Presence of God, once more placing all your hopes and affections under the direction of His Holy Will.” St. Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life

Okay, so I just added a title to this page, but the paper was so cool I had to share.

6 Cities in 12 Days

The Daily Agenda with Memories

Surgery Update

2009-09-29T23:14:00.001-04:00

Got good news today following surgery. Dr. S found one band that *may* be scarring – he sent it to pathology for testing as he wasn't totally sure. He also found another area of possible retained "products of conception" and cleared that. My tubes are open. Hopefully I will get a decent period in a couple weeks. Then next month we will do an ultrasound series to make sure I am ovulating and to check the growth of my endometrial lining. If everything looks good, hopefully we will be cleared to TTC again sometime in November. Thank you ladies so much for your thoughts and prayers. I am humbled to have so many amazing women praying specifically for me – especially since I don't even know most of you in person!

I am feeling good now, just very tired. Not much pain at all. When I got transferred back to outpatient, I found out that they gave me Tramadol in the recovery room – the same pain killer they gave my cat following his surgery this summer! I told my husband that if the pain got too bad, maybe I could dig into the cat's left over stash. Ha ha!

Isn't it crazy to look at surgery pictures? In my untrained eye, looking at my pictures, I would say there was only one where everything looked good and smooth. In all the other pictures it looks like there is all sorts of tissue out of place! Of course Dr. S explained all the pictures to my husband but he can't remember what anything was, except for the one that shows the suspicious band of tissue. Guess I'll have to wait for my post-op.

Also, I have a good Catholic story for you ladies. We were down in GA this weekend and our priest friend wasn't able to come over to give me anointing. So on Sunday my husband was insisting that we ask the local priest to anoint me after mass. I was chickening out since it wasn't my priest and my parents and in-laws were at mass with us and would have to wait through it. But he and my mother-in-law insisted. They got to work before mass tracking down someone to ask for the anointing. When they got back to the pew, my mil told me that she added my name to the prayers for the sick to be announced during the Prayers of the Faithful. I was a bit embarrassed, especially having my parents there and also knowing that we probably knew some people outside of my family that would be at mass. By the time the petition came around, I had forgotten about it and my mind was wandering. Then I heard my name and looked over to see my husband and mil snickering. I thought they were laughing because the lector had butchered both my first and last name. But once the prayers were over and before the music started, the music minister (who put my name on the list) got on the mic and said, "There was one mistake in the Prayers of the Faithful. (Insert my name) should have been listed under prayers for the sick." I looked over at my husband and asked, "Did they say my name under prayers for those who have died?" Sure enough they did! I was hoping that wasn't a foreshadowing, but here I am alive and well! And we did end up knowing some people who were at mass – hopefully they didn't freak out thinking I had died!

So things are looking up and hopefully my cycles will get back to normal soon. I have learned so much over the past two weeks and have decided that I will never again have a D&C unless it is medically necessary. It really is crazy how that one procedure can ruin a woman's fertility. It is really not worth the risk. If you are interested in learning more about Asherman's Syndrome, click here.

More Prayers Needed – Different Reason

2009-09-25T11:51:00.001-04:00

Here I am begging for prayers again! I am going to have a surgery on Tuesday with Dr. S. This is a long post – feel free to skim.

Most of you know that I had my third miscarriage in July. Because I was just about to leave on a big family vacation to the beach, I opted to have a D&C. This was my first time having a D&C and it may have been the worst decision I have ever made. Everything seemed to be going fine. I had signs of ovulation about a month later, and about two weeks after that, when I would expect my period, I had two days of very light spotting. This was accompanied by pelvic pain and the need to pee a lot! I kept telling my husband that I felt like I had fluid swirling around in my lower abdomen. It was really uncomfortable – even to walk. I thought that I must have had an anovulatory cycle accompanied by a bladder infection based on the symptoms. So, the following month I took my temperatures a few times to confirm that I actually ovulated. I had signs of ovulation and the temps corresponded. But last week, I was out of town and got hit by all the same symptoms. I was helping lead a day and a half workshop and kept having to run out of the room to hit the bathroom and
I was popping ibuprofen the whole time! I knew then that something was wrong.

So, I consulted Dr. Google. I kept typing in my symptoms and a website for Asherman's Syndrome popped up every time. No, no, no, I thought – I went onto all the regular message boards, but was not finding anyone describing what I was going through. So, I finally clicked on the Asherman's website, went to their list of symptoms, and realized that they were describing what I was going through. Asherman's Syndrome is scar tissue in your uterus that is most often caused by an overly aggressive D&C. The potential side effects are devastating – diminishment or complete loss of a period, permanent infertility, miscarriages, high risk pregnancies (placenta previa, incompetent cervix, and worse!). It can also cause endo because if your cervix or uterus are scarred shut, and you are still building an endometrial lining, it cannot be passed from the body during a period – instead it flows back into your abdominal cavity. I started googling Asherman's and every website said the same thing, "rare disorder, rare disorder, rare disorder." I feel like I am being totally broken down. Everything that we have done up to this point means nothing if I have a serious case.

As with endo, there are varying stages of Ashermans. I am lucky to have figured this out early, as many women take years before they realize what is going on and by then the disease has caused permanent damage. Treatment would be by hysteroscopy. You then have to have repeat diagnostic hysteroscopies or HSGs to determine if scar tissue has reformed. If it continues to form, you continue to have surgeries. I will also likely have to go through hormone therapy to try to build up my endometrial lining so that it is thick enough to carry a baby. Whether it will grow back and how much it will grow back will be determined by how bad the D&C damage is. I am hoping that since I am seeing spotting and I really feel like I have fluid in my abdomen during my times of spotting, that I still have a pretty good endometrial lining.

It has been an emotional past couple of days since I came to this realization. I am feeling alternately overwhelmed, defeated, and hopeful. I feel like God is telling me to have Hope. As most of you know, we decided to name our third baby Hope. The name had come to me sometime between my 2^nd and 3^rd miscarriages. I always thought I would have a third miscarriage – I don't really credit this to intuition as much as to the fact that any woman who had had two m/c's in a row and has not been given any real explanation for it will anticipate the same result with her next pregnancy. When I got pregnant, I really couldn't imagine that I was going to carry to term, I didn't want to talk about the pregnancy, even with my husband. This Sunday, we were saying a rosary and at the very beginning, we were praying for faith, hope, and love. I started pondering Hope and wondering why God had placed that name on my heart for my third baby when I knew I was going to miscarry. Not only did I miscarry, but losing that baby is causing me this horrible disease. Then I realized that THIS was the reason God led me to that name. That He does not want me to despair about what might happen, but to have Hope. So I am trying to ponder that right now when I am feeling down.

Monday night I emailed Dr. S to tell him I was suspecting Asherman's. We were scheduled to see him on Thursday to review a slew of blood tests I had after my m/c, but I knew that this would completely change the conversation. First thing the next morning, I got a call from the surgery scheduler in his office who told me that Dr. S had received my message and wanted to know when the date of my last period was. As I was opening up my chart on the computer, she explained that Dr S had a surgery cancellation on Tuesday morning and that if I began my "period" on the 15^th or after, that I could come in for surgery. Well, I look at my chart, and my spotting and pain began on the 15^th! I had imagined that it would be at least December before I could have surgery due to my travel schedule and Dr. S's surgery schedule. That would have meant two more months of pain, period backflow, and scar tissue growth. My husband was supposed to be in New York Monday and coming home Tuesday, but he was able to rearrange his schedule so that he can be with me on Tuesday! I have been a bit concerned about having Dr. S do my surgery because although he is a talented surgeon, he is not an Asherman's specialist. But I feel like God has been leading us in this direction and providing many signs that this is the way for us to go. This morning I got one more sign. I had emailed my friend to ask for her prayers for Tuesday. She wrote back to assure me of her prayers and said that about a month ago she had called her church to ask that they say Mass for us this Tuesday, the Feast of the Archangels. Our first two babies were named Michael and Gabriel, so this feast day means a lot to us. I had not even made the connection and to know that a mass will be said for us that morning is amazing! Also, we are at "home" in Georgia this weekend visiting family and we are asking our good friend who is a priest to anoint me. So, please pray that my surgery will go well on Tuesday and that my fertility will be completely restored. Surgery is 8:00 am and I should be able to come home that day. Recovery should be much easier than the lap. Thank you to everyone in advance for all of your support and prayers!!!

Faith Like a Child

2009-09-20T21:37:00.003-04:00

About a year ago, my father-in-law was telling me about the poem Hound of Heaven by Francis Thompson which he had read often growing up. I recently read it for the first time, and although I didn’t do a close read, one line stuck out to me. “All which I took from thee I did but take, Not for thy harms, But just that thou might'st seek it in My arms.” I have often found myself reflecting on that statement and recently added it to my homepage. Last weekend I mentioned it to my husband and he told me how it reflected God calling us to come to Him as children.

That got me thinking. We all know the bible verses about having faith like a child. What could I learn from children that could apply to the IF journey? Here are a few thoughts:
1. Persistence: Kids are famous for their persistence. We have all been talking with a friend and watched their child tugging at their shirt saying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy” until their mother stopped the conversation to attend to them. No doubt we did the same thing to our parents. Kids know how to get the attention of their parents. They don’t realize that it may seem rude to ask for attention over and over again. We may feel like we have already put this before God enough and that He knows what we seek without us even telling Him, but God wants us to continue to ask Him for the desires of our heart, not to bury them deep down and hope He gets back to us someday with the answer we want. Think of a child that wants a puppy. The child will think of any excuse to bring up the topic of the puppy. Anytime it comes to his mind, he will blurt it out. We can do the same.
2. Fearlessness: When we are children, we are often more daring than we are as adults. I know that I loved jumping off the high dive at the pool when I was young, but these days that would totally freak me out. And you can forget about me jumping feet first into cold water! As we age and mature, we come to understand more about the risks we face and we sometimes let fears rule us. I know that I have had to learn how to face some of my fears in this journey. I was petrified of all GYNs and had to force myself to make my first appointment just a few months before we started TTC. Now I can bet that I’ll get a physical at almost every doctor’s appointment and I’ve had to do countless ultrasounds and other procedures. Surgeries, drugs, side effects, injections, lifestyle changes. We’ve all had to face something that we were scared of and things that made us uncomfortable in this process, but we are willing to do these things to get our desired end result. We know that it will be worth any sacrifice we make today.
3. Trust: As children, we trusted that our needs would be met. We would have full tummies and warm beds. We couldn’t go out and get a job to pay for these needs – we had to rely on others to provide them for us. In the IF journey we have to learn to let go and trust that God will take care of us. If we are meant to have biological children, we will. If we are meant to adopt, we will. If we are meant for a childless life, God will help us to accept that. And throughout this whole process, He is showering us with the grace we need to handle anything that may come our way.
4. Being Out of Control: Children are often ruled by their parents. They don’t have cars. They can’t stay home by themselves. If their parents say, “we are going to the store,” the child must go. If the parent says, “no, you can’t go play at your friend’s house right now,” the child must obey. So too, we have learned that we don’t really have control over our fertility. Although we try to do everything we can to help it along, ultimately we can only do so much. We have to give in to being out of control. Sometimes our parents had to tell us no. We didn’t always understand why – we still may not understand why our parents said no to us at times. But those no’s have shaped us into who we are today, as much as the yes’ we received. Those no’s have helped make it easier for us to bear the “no” we are hearing from God right now. Hopefully, one day we will find that God wasn’t really saying no to us. He was really saying “not yet.” Only time will tell.
5. Innocence: One of the first things I think of when reading “have faith like a child” is innocence. Although we are now adults and have learned things we wish we never had to know, we still maintain innocence. Compared to God’s infinite knowledge, our knowledge is so finite. We cannot presume to understand His ways. I have often thought that I will never understand miscarriage. Even when I get to heaven, I feel like I won’t understand why God would allow this to happen. Or why God would allow the child abuser or teenager to become pregnant and not the caring adults who have the means and the love to support a child for life. But that is thinking on my terms, using my knowledge and understanding. How innocent those thoughts must seem to God.

A few final things we can learn from children, maybe God doesn’t mind if we continually ask Him, “Are we there yet?” and “Why, why, why, why, why?” And don’t forget to ask your Mother!

“He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, ‘Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.’” Matthew 18: 2-4

“And people were bringing children to him that he might touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this he became indignant and said to them, ‘Let the children come to me; do not prevent them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Amen, I say to you, whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it.’ Then he embraced them and blessed them, placing his hands on them.” Mark 10:13-16

“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘For human beings it is impossible, but not for God. All things are possible for God.’" Mark 10:27

Reflection Questions
1. What does the quote from Hound of Heaven say to me?
2. Which points listed above do I identify with most? Which can I learn from the most?
3. What other things can I learn from children?

Like A Child - Jars of Clay
Dear God, surround me as I speak, the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart, you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing into the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness I walked in light of you

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe with faith like a child

What I Didn’t Expect

2009-09-08T22:25:00.003-04:00

I never thought it would be so hard to get pregnant.

I never thought it would be so hard to stay pregnant.

I never thought it would take this long. I'd turn 30 without having any children. I'd worry about how few kids we might have instead of how many we might have. I'd feel so out of control. I would be this far in the process and still feel like there is so much more to explore. This would consume so much of my time and energy.

I never thought my first doctor would refer me to an IVF clinic. I would see four doctor's and still no take home baby. I'd be in tears leaving a doctor's appointment. I would drive so far to see a doctor. I would feel like I knew more than my doctor. My doctor would hug me. My doctor would pray with me. I would want my doctor to prescribe injections. I'd get so used to disrobing for strangers.

I never thought I could talk about my miscarriages so nonchalantly. I would associate Thanksgiving, Tax Day, and 4^th of July with losing babies. I would be told I had to have three miscarriages in a row before any testing could be done. I would actually have three in a row. My babies would meet God before I would. You could work with someone five days a week and have no idea that they have had three miscarriages since you've known them. I never thought I was so good at keeping secrets.

I never thought I would learn an NFP method other than sympto-thermal. A 70-year old widow would teach me Creighton. Words like uterus, ovary, and cervix would slip so effortlessly off my tongue. I would talk so openly about my cycles and fertility issues with women I had just met. I'd call PPVI to order a perforated condom. We'd rent a room near a hospital for the sole purpose of using a perforated condom.

I never thought having blood draws would seem like no big deal. I'd be on a first name basis with the lab ladies. I'd actually like the "mean" blood lab lady. The ladies at the lab would pray for me. They did female ultrasounds in places other than on the stomach. My ultrasound tech would hug me. I'd get kicked out of an ultrasound room because my bladder wasn't full enough.

I never thought my insurance file would be so thick. My co-pays for blood labs would be so low they wouldn't even bother to bill me. I'd have "female" surgery. We'd have to drive through snow and ice storms to make it to my pre-op appointments and surgery. I'd do a bowel prep in a hotel room. I'd wonder how many other women had done bowel preps at that same hotel.

I never thought I'd know what HCG, PCOS, CrMS, D&C, MTHFR, LUFS, and PAI-1 stood for. My hormones were messed up. My cycles weren't really regular. I had endo. So many seemingly unrelated things affect fertility. I'd be on so many medications and supplements. I would have gone so long without trying acupuncture.

I never thought this was something my husband and I would face in our marriage. There would be a section of my bookshelf dedicated to infertility. Sex would sometimes feel like a chore. We'd adopt a cat to fulfill our desire to nurture something. I'd still be working for my company six years later. My sister would face the same struggles.

I never thought I'd have a negative pregnancy test. I'd have so many negative pregnancy tests. I would go to the grocery store and buy a pregnancy test and tampons at the same time. A positive pregnancy test would fill me with so many conflicting emotions. My prayers after getting a positive pregnancy test would change from "Thank you God" to "Please help us get through this God."

I never thought I'd have a blog. I never thought the blog I never thought I would have would be about infertility. I would share some of my inmost thoughts and feelings on the internet. I would meet in person anyone I met on the internet. This post would get so long.

I never thought I'd sulk at baptisms, baby showers, and kid's birthday parties. The sight of pregnant women would make we want to cry, throw up, or cuss. I'd be jealous when other people announced a pregnancy. Seeing friend's Facebook pages would make me feel so sad. I would dread Mother's Day. I would feel like bursting out crying in public with no apparent provocation. I'd dwell so much on other people's comments. When I heard kids singing, "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage" I would want to yell out, "Yeah right!"

I never thought I would cry during a homily. Seeing young families at church would upset me. Prayer would be so hard. My prayers would go "unanswered" for so long. God would withhold this gift from us. I'd question God's plan. It would be so hard to place this in God's hands.

I never thought it would be this hard to get pregnant.

"Five times at the hands of the Jews I received forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I passed a night and a day on the deep; on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my own race, dangers from Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers at sea, dangers among false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many sleepless nights, through hunger and thirst, through frequent fastings, through cold and exposure. And part from these things, there is the daily pressure upon me of my anxiety for all the churches." II Corinthians 11:24-28 (IF doesn't sound so bad now, does it??)
"We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed…" II Corinthians 4:8-9
"Grace and favor you granted me, and your providence has preserved my spirit. Yet these things you have hidden in your heart; I know that they are your purpose." Job 10:12-13

Reflection Questions

What did you not expect on this journey?
How has the Lord helped you handle unexpected situations?
How have you grown in faithfulness and trust in God?

An Irish Prayer

May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

No More Stories

2009-08-31T23:14:00.002-04:00

It seems like everyone has a story that they want to share if you tell them you are dealing with infertility. If I say that we have been trying for 3+ years, they tell me about their friend's sister's co-worker who had her first baby after 10 years of trying – or that they finally conceived after giving up on TTC. If I say I have had 3 miscarriages, they tell me about their cousin's uncle's brother's wife who had 7 miscarriages and was later able to carry to term. I know that all of these stories are meant to be an encouragement and inspiration to me to not give up, but sometimes I wish people would just appreciate what I am going through without telling me about someone they know who had it even worse!

At times it feels like they are minimizing my struggles. Instead of sympathizing with where I am right now, they start talking about some other couple. It makes me feel like I am in some sort of a sick contest to see who ends up with the most difficult journey to a family and still triumphs. Like I need to compete to have the absolute worst story so that I will go down in all of my friend's history books and our story will be the one they tell some other unsuspecting infertile woman who is just looking for some support and affirmation.

But it makes me wonder how often I have done the same to someone else. Do I ever respond to someone who has just told me about a struggle by comparing what they are going through to someone else's struggle, or even to my own experiences? Instead of trying to support them, let them talk it out, offer my prayers, do I just divert my attention to something or someone else? Do I truly listen to what they are telling me, or do I just start thinking about how I am going to respond to them? Wow, this is starting to sound like one of those seminars on active listening!

Living with IF, we develop certain sensitivities to common things that people say – like "just relax," or pointing to their cute little child and saying "this one right here is birth control" (yes, that really happened to me recently in the grocery store). I know my friends who have children have their own pet peeves about what people say to them. I remember making a comment to a friend after she had her third boy, that maybe next time she would get a girl. I later found out that people say that to her all the time and it really gets on her nerves – like she isn't happy with the children God gave her – whoops! I guess there are a lot of things you don't learn until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

Last summer during a particularly rough period, I ordered the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. It is beautifully written. As I was looking for bible verses tonight, I grabbed her book and found a chapter entitled, "Put Yourself in My Shoes (Before You Put Your Foot in Your Mouth). A few sentences that I highlighted seemed particularly appropriate:

"In trying to explain fertility challenges to those who have never lived through such experiences, I have to remind myself that the outside perspective is one of innocence."

"When my life is over, do I want to be remembered as that self-absorbed woman who could only focus on her own hurt…"

"As you find yourself in uncomfortable places or conversations, ask God to give you grace to survive the moment, along with an understanding heart to hear the intended meaning behind your friend's words."

"Then Job answered and said: I have heard this sort of thing many times. Wearisome comforters are you all! Is there no end to windy words? Or what sickness have you that you speak on? I also could talk as you do, were you in my place." Job 16:1-4

"The prating of some men is like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise is healing." Proverbs 12:18

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection." Colossians 3:12-14

Reflection Questions

How do I wish people would respond when I tell them about my struggles?
Do I respond to others in the way I would like to be treated, or do I end up saying and doing the very things I dislike?
Am I too focused on myself to appreciate other people's struggles?

Lord, help me to be a good friend to others. To truly listen to them, affirm them, and offer support when it is needed. Give me the wisdom and sensitivity I need to respond to other's needs. Help me to appreciate other people's comments for what they are intended to be, instead of what I twist them to mean. In all things, let me respond charitably to others.

Family Matters

2009-08-24T23:11:00.004-04:00

This month my husband and I celebrated our 7^th anniversary and my 31^st birthday. I love the month of August! While these milestones mark another year passed and another year older without a baby, they are also reminders of how blessed I am to be in this beautiful family. It is easy for me to think that my husband and I are part of a family, but that we are not a family yet because we don't have any living children. In my mind, I know that our family started the day we were married, but how do you grasp that concept when you have grown up thinking that family necessarily involves children. A couple years back we were spending a weekend with our college friends. This couple got pregnant on their honeymoon and every chance they have had since. The oldest daughter was talking to me one morning and asked, "Are you guys married, but you just don't have kids?" It occurred to me that in the family she has been raised, it had never occurred to her that a couple might be married with no children. So, how do my husband and I form a family by ourselves?

The family is the fundamental cell of society and it's roots are in the married couple who form a family on their wedding day. One of the most basic characteristics of a family is sharing. We share a home, food, income, activities, friends and relatives – we don't have to have children to do any of those things. All of the things that a family encompasses is modeled first and foremost in the married couple through the expression of their vows– together in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. Yes, we are dealing with the sickness of our bodies – even if that may not be physically evident to others. Our husbands join us for important doctor's appointments, hold our hands when we receive difficult news or are undergoing an uncomfortable procedure, they care for us when we've had surgery and vice versa. We face good times and some very difficult times, but we persevere and hopefully our relationships are better for it. Each day of our marriage, and through every sacrifice and shared experience, we are deepening our commitment to those vows. We become a model of love and of the true meaning of family, in a world that so often needs to be reminded of that.

Families are never called to be closed in on themselves, but to be fruitful. During the rite of marriage, we state that we intend to accept children lovingly from God. So how are we to look at our marriages if we try to have children, but are unable to? Well, we are seeking to accept children from God –whether naturally or through adoption. We are not preventing ourselves from receiving children, but waiting for God to bless us at the time of His choosing. And when He does decide it is time, there is no doubt that we will love those children in a special way. Our patience, endurance, and perseverance bears much fruit in the meantime – fruit that will help us in our future roles as parents. For now, we may seek ways to serve others outside of our family whether through giving of our time, prayer, or monetary blessings. But most important of all, we are blessed with this extra time to focus on building a strong marriage. People are attracted to strong families and strong marriages. What our future children and what society needs most are strong, happy marriages. That bears fruit beyond measure.

"Make known to me your ways, Lord; teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior. For you I wait all the long day, because of your goodness, Lord." Psalm 25:4-5

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother (and be joined to his wife), and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh." Mark 10:7-8

"It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:7-8a

Reflection Questions

Do I see my husband and I as a family? Why or why not?
How are our interactions and experiences of infertility a reflection of our wedding vows?
How are we being called to be fruitful at this time?

A Marriage Blessing Prayer

We thank you, O God, for the Love You have implanted in our hearts. May it always inspire us to be kind in our words, considerate of feeling, and concerned for each other's needs and wishes. Help us to be understanding and forgiving of human weaknesses and failings. Increase our faith and trust in You and may Your Prudence guide our life and love. Bless our Marriage O God, with Peace and Happiness, and make our love fruitful for Your glory and our Joy both here and in eternity.

Thankfulness

2009-07-27T19:55:00.001-04:00

It can sometimes feel like infertility is the heaviest cross in the world to carry. I know that so far in my life it has caused me more pain and stress than anything else I have had to deal with. I'm not used to things not working out for me! But when I start to feel sorry for myself, I try to think of people that we know who are suffering under such great crosses. We are truly blessed to have a joyful marriage, good jobs with stable income, good relationships with our friends and family, and our health. I know that the health thing can be questioned considering that my reproductive system is obviously not working properly, but overall I am a healthy person.

We know two amazing couples who are dealing with cancer – one that knows it is terminal. Both are young couples with children. They are such an inspiration in the way that they handle the physical, emotional, and spiritual struggles that they face. My husband told me that our recent adventures with the cat reminded him of the struggles that some of our friends go through because of the physical ailments of their children. If we were under so much stress and had so much concern about a cat, imagine if your own child was ill. One couple we know has a son who has had over 50 surgeries in his four short years. Most involving his brain! Can you imagine what they go through each time they hear that their little boy will need yet another surgery? Other friends have children with Downs Syndrome, Cystic Fibrosis, Spina Bifida and the list goes on. They are amazing parents that have been handed a special role.

When I hear that we will always have struggles in this life, sometimes it makes me want to cling onto my infertility for fear of what may lie ahead if we are blessed with a family. I am comfortable with the IF, I feel like it is something I can handle, even though that can change moment-by-moment depending on my mood.

God has truly blessed my husband and I in so many ways. And one of those ways is through the friends he has put in our lives. Their faith, hope, and trust in God, and even their joyfulness are an inspiration. They serve as a reminder that it isn't all about me. That anything can be dealt with if we maintain our relationship with God. And that as much as we need prayers, we are called to offer prayers for others – to mutually help one another through the struggles of this life. We may never find lasting peace in this life, but we are living for more than this life – we are living for the life to come.

"The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who honor your name trust in you; you never forsake those who seek you Lord." Psalm 9:10-11

"For I long to see you, that I may share with you some spiritual gift so that you may be strengthened, that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by one another's faith, yours and mine." Romans 1:11-12

"Bear one another's burdens, and so you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

Reflection Questions

Do I have friends that are in extra need of prayer right now because of the crosses they bear?
What might I do to help them (prayer, meals, notes of encouragement, running errands, etc.)?
What can I learn from others who struggle with difficult crosses?

The following is an excerpt from our Archdiocesan newspaper. They are doing a special series on marriage and I thought this was an appropriate reflection.

"He [God] promises when we marry that He will meet us wherever life takes us. Usually where it takes us is beautifully ordinary. But God also will use the difficult times to make us more holy…They teach us to forgive, to be patient, to be more kind, more compassionate, more trusting in God and others. In short, these times teach us to sacrifice, and they introduce us to the great paradox of our faith – that we gain our life when we give it away."

Adventures of Herbie – Part 3

2009-07-22T22:57:00.001-04:00

The vet said we were supposed to try to keep the cat from running or jumping for two weeks, until he got his staples out. That was definitely going to be a problem. He wasn't too bad for most of the week, but in the last two days we were home he was definitely starting to get more energetic. We decided he needed to get boarded during our vacation so that someone could keep an eye on him to make sure he didn't pull his collar off and we figured it would ensure that he wasn't running and jumping around too much.

So I researched all the kennels in our area – from the basic places to the fancy pants pet resorts. I called a few up and explained our situation. I decided on one after talking to the owner about our cat's situation. I liked her because she started telling me the modifications they would make for him. "She is on the ball with this," I thought. I wanted to visit them just to make sure, but we didn't get a chance to during the week.

So on Saturday afternoon, the day before we were leaving for vacation, we headed over to the kennel. It was in a country-type area and there was a house where I think the owner lived that looked pretty dilapidated. But I knew she had done a lot of work to renovate the kennel area, so I was hopeful that it would be better. We walked in and met one of the staff members. "This is the cat area," she said, pointing to a small little area to the left of the front desk. The website said that the cats were separated from the dogs, but the only thing dividing the two areas was a single door – like a bedroom door. Anytime anyone went into the dog area all the dogs would go crazy – we sometimes couldn't even hear the lady we were talking to because the dogs were so loud! And it definitely smelled like dog in there.

So we were in the cat room, talking to the lady and she was showing us the cats they had in there and talked about how sweet this little kitten was who was boarding there. The cat was sitting in a cage right next to a table that had a time clock on it. The time clock clicked over and the kitten jumped up, startled. "You would think she would be used to that by now," the lady said. "That clock clicks over every minute." I still simultaneously laugh and feel bad for the kitten thinking about it trying to doze off for a cat nap and being startled every minute or so! Couldn't they move the clock??

When the lady looked at our information in the computer, she realized that the owner was going to put our cat in a dog cage since the other cages were kind of like tall bird cages with three perches for the cats to jump up on. She told us there wouldn't be room in the cat area for the cage, so it would probably be put on a table in the bathroom. "It's the best room in the whole place," she told us. "It's cool in there." We tried to imagine our poor cat sitting by himself in a bathroom all week long and then having the staff come in to use the facilities while our cat sat there and watched. Yikes!

So we left and of course were not happy with the situation. We called all the other kennels in the area that afternoon, but most were closed and the ones that were open weren't answering their phones. The next day, a Sunday, we were still feeling guilty about sending our cat to sit in a bathroom all week. We decided to call a vet that is just up the road from us that had Sunday hours. I originally hadn't even contacted them about pricing or anything because I read in their boarding policies online that if you don't pick up your pet within 8 days of your scheduled pick-up date, they were authorized to "dispose of or destroy" your pet. No way did I want to put my cat over there – even though we aren't the type to leave our cat somewhere indefinitely.

We went and visited and it was definitely a better situation. Being at a vet's office was a definite bonus in case he ended up getting to his staples again. So we decided to board him there. It ended up being the most expensive place in the whole area. Even more expensive than the fancy pants pet resort that told me "for an extra $13 per day, we will give your cat play time, a tuna treat, and spring water." Say what? Why would I pay extra for my cat to have spring water?

We picked him up from "camp" on Monday and he got his staples out and cone off on Tuesday. Hopefully he is done with his adventures! So now you know more than you ever cared to about my cat. Hopefully I won't be posting about him in this much detail in the future! Although it was very expensive, this was probably a blessing in disguise. Instead of getting very self-centered and down over the past few weeks, we were able to focus a lot of attention on the cat and he gave us lots of good stories to share.

Adventures of Herbie – Part 2

2009-07-19T19:58:00.008-04:00

So the day after the surgery, the doctor said we could pick Herbie up in the late afternoon. The doctor described him as being "stoned" from all of his drugs and he definitely was as you will read later. Before we got to see our kitty, the vet came in to talk to us about the surgery. I asked how long it had taken since if they really went in for surgery at 2:30, the surgery would have lasted over 4 hours! She said it was actually only about 2 hours – they started late. "We were going slowly, trying to be careful," she said "because we aren't expert surgeons – like we aren't board certified or anything." Say what??? We were glad we didn't know that beforehand. I wonder why they have someone listed as a surgeon on their letterhead if they aren't really certified – I guess things are a little different in the animal world.

So the cat came home in a soft e-collar. The vet said he looked like a little flower in it because it was a blue collar. He looked like an amateur groomer had gotten a hold of him. His whole belly was shaved and he had 24 staples! My sister and I started calling him Frankenkitten because of the staples. They had also shaved parts of both of his front legs for the IVs. But what really had us wondering was why the shaved the back and part of the side of his tail? My best guess is that maybe they tape the tail down during surgery?? Here is a picture of him when he came home.

He was put on the following meds:
1. Clavamox – antibiotic
2. Tramadol – pain med
3. Pepcid AC – antacid – Yes, we were sent to the pharmacy to pick up Pepcid for our cat – then had to divide the pills into 8ths so we wouldn't OD him.

I had never heard of Tramadol before, but a few days later I was reading some messages from an Endo listserv and realized that the women who have really bad endo pain are prescribed Tramadol! Wow – that is some powerful stuff. Herbie only got ¼ of a pill, but he got it 2-3 times per day!

The cat was definitely stoned all week. His eyes were constantly dilated all week! The first night we brought him home, he was walking like a drunk. Anytime we pet him, he would just fall over on his side. But you never saw anyone so happy to be alive. He purred the entire first night he was home and after that, he still purred anytime we would pet him. And of course he slept a lot, even for a cat. I kept checking him to make sure he was still breathing – it freaked me out to have to tie that collar around his neck – I was always scared I might get it too tight and he wouldn't be able to breath.

Another thing we learned last week is that if your cat is constipated, feed him pumpkin. The vet said cats love it. We decided to go ahead and feed him some preemptively and he really did gobble it up! One of the cutest things I think I saw all week was one night looking in the kitchen and seeing my husband standing in front of the toaster oven. He had put Herbie's food and pumpkin on top of the oven and was heating it up for him!

So in the week following the surgery, we had to take him to the vet three times.

1^st Visit: The second night we had him home he got the collar off and pulled out 4 staples and got his incision open a bit. The next morning I brought him into the vet. Instead of re-stapling him, they just glued his incision back together. Apparently they were a little haphazard with the glue and dropped some on his lower belly. When I got him home and out of his cage, I realized that his tail was glued to his stomach! He could have cared less – he was just laying on his back purring. I got out the scissors to cut his tail from his belly and after that he had a tuft of fur glued to his stomach! The vet recommended we keep him in our room at night so we could hear if he was pulling his collar off. So for the rest of the week, we got a taste of what it is like to have a newborn in the house. We were up about every two hours because he was either trying to pull his collar off, or rolling around, or trying to groom himself but instead all he could do was lick his e-collar with that sandpaper tongue.

2^nd Visit: I came home at lunch every day to check on the cat. I felt like Angela from The Office going home to check on my sick cat and give him medicine! The day after our first vet visit, I noticed that he had a protrusion around the area where he had pulled out his staples. So I called the vet and got another appointment for that evening. It wasn't anything serious – apparently sometimes when air gets into the body from a wound like that, the pocket of air will get filled up with some fluid and that makes the protrusion – a "seroma." In addition to all his meds, we were told to give him warm compresses 2-3 times a day on the seroma. Have you ever tried to put warm compresses on a cat? Not too easy. It wasn't too bad if he was knocked out from his meds, but if he was more alert, it was definitely difficult to get him to sit still for very long! We had also noticed that his sides had gotten red, we thought from him scratching, but our vet thought it was probably razor burn!

3^rd Visit – Two days later we were back again. The cat had gotten his collar off once again and this time had really gotten into his incision. They had to re-staple him. He also got upgraded to a hard plastic "cone of shame." He wasn't used to the extra clearance he needed when wearing the new collar versus the soft one they originally sent him home in. The rest of the day we would hear him bumping into the sides of doorways, chairs, and walls with the cone.

So instead of having our neighbors take care of the cat during our vacation, which would have been practically free, we decided it would be best to board him. And that is a whole other story…

Here is a video of the cat trying to groom himself. This is what we would wake up to at night. I don't think he even noticed that he wasn't actually licking himself!

Adventures of Herbie – Part 1

2009-07-17T12:41:00.001-04:00

In honor of my vacation, I am taking a break in both format and content from my normal blogging to share some stories about my cat. He has been a great comic relief and distraction in what would have otherwise been a more difficult week. Many people have told me I need to write these stories down, so here they are! Hopefully you guys are pet people, otherwise you will probably think we are crazy, like we used to think about pet people were. I know SOME of you aren't cat fans (GIMH), but I'm sure if you met our little angel, you would love him.

You endo ladies will love this – my cat had to have a laparotomy on July 4^th. And let me tell you, it is expensive to bring a cat surgeon in on a federal holiday! It all started on the Thursday before the 4^th. When my hubs got home, he noticed that the cat had gotten sick. We didn't think much about it. All day Friday we were at home and we noticed that though the cat seemed to be hungry, he wasn't eating. We thought maybe he was rejecting his new food (we had just switched him from kitten to cat food the week before). So I went to the store and got him a different kind of food. He ate some of it that evening, but then got sick again. After that, he started getting sick every 20-30 minutes. He would be sleeping, and then all of a sudden he would stand up, make a funny meow, and then get sick. When my husband would hear the meow, he would jump up and grab a paper towel and try to put it under the cat before he could get sick on the carpet. At about 10:30 pm, my hubs had been looking stuff up online and said he thought we needed to take the cat into an emergency clinic. I was trying to put it off as I was tired and the clinic was 20-30 minutes away, and who knows how long we would be there. My parents have a cat about the same age who had done the same thing the weekend before and she ended up just having a stomach bug and got sent home with anti-nausea medicine. He seemed to do fine during the night, and the next morning he was purring and playing a bit, but he still wouldn't eat or drink anything. Then he started getting sick again, so we knew it was time to take him in.

At the vet hospital, they recommended that we do hundreds of dollars worth of tests. The first thing they did was and x-ray and sure enough they found something. They came in and showed us the x-ray and there was some stringy looking stuff wound up in his stomach. We were trying to figure out what it could be. We thought it might be a guitar string as my hubs had just changed his strings the weekend before and the cat was playing with them. But he said he counted all his strings before he threw them out, and it seemed like he would have problems earlier if it was really a guitar string. They recommended surgery of course, and we okayed it. They said the surgery would be about an hour, maybe a bit longer depending on what they found.

They gave us a call at 2:30 to say they were going into surgery. At 5:00, we were getting ready to head to our friend's house, so I asked the hubs to call and check on the cat. Still in surgery… By the time we got to our friend's house at 5:30, I was ready to cry. I thought that we had waited too long to bring him and it was all my fault for not listening to my husband. At 6:30, one of the doctors called me. She said they were still sewing him up, but she wanted to give us an update. They had opened him up and started palpitating all his organs when they felt something in his small intestine. Not only did he have something in his stomach, but he had something in his intestine too! It turned out to be one of those plastic screw covers that they give you to use on put-it-together-yourself furniture. In his stomach, they found two ponytail holders! One had been chewed in half and the other he swallowed whole!

A few months back the cat had somehow figured out that he could get the screw covers off our furniture and he would pull them off and then run away. We have baggies full of screw covers that the cat had pulled off, but I guess he found one that we didn't know about. Then a few weeks ago, he started really getting into my ponytail holders. He would grab them off my nightstand in the middle of the night and take off. We'd find them throughout the house in the morning. It had run through my mind a couple times that maybe he shouldn't be playing with those, but I didn't think he would actually eat them. Kitty was to spend the night at the hospital and we were supposed to call the next morning to see if he was ready to be picked up.

So this is the end of Part 1, which actually isn't too entertaining, but the stories get better from here, so keep tuning in!

An Emotional Day

2009-07-11T22:45:00.001-04:00

Friday was an emotional day. I have felt very blessed with the peace God has given me over the past couple weeks. Although the ultrasound days were always hard, since I was having no physical signs of m/c and most of my pregnancy symptoms had disappeared, I just kind of went on with life as usual. It was easy to forget that I was even pregnant! Even on Friday morning I was feeling pretty normal, not overly sad as we drove down to the hospital. I definitely could sense the extra stress coming out in being impatient with my husband, but other than when the nurses at the hospital would say how sorry they were about our loss, I wasn't overly sad. I was beginning to think, this D&C thing is sooo much easier emotionally than having a natural m/c. Especially when you can do it before the symptoms of m/c begin to occur. I also wondered if I was just getting really hardened to all of this emotionally.

We had a really hyper pre-op nurse who kept us pretty distracted while we waited. When she found out that we were both Catholic she proceeded to tell us that she and her husband were both raised Catholic and each had 6 siblings. She then told us about how she joked with her parents and in-laws about them not understanding the rhythm method. Are you kidding me??? This was the nurse that God decided we needed today? We weren't sure whether we should be witnessing to her or if it was just God's way of inserting humor into our day.

Because of some communication issues at the doctor's office, I didn't get my surgery scheduled until Wednesday afternoon leaving me no room to request a specific day based on which doctor was on call. The scheduler let me know that Dr. P was on call for Friday, which I was disappointed in. I have seen every doctor at T.epeyac (other than Dr. F who everyone raves about) and she was my last choice for the D&C. When she came in this morning, she definitely didn't increase my confidence at all, but I just trusted in the Lord that all would be okay.

It wasn't until right after we spoke with Dr. P and they were getting ready to wheel me back that the emotions started to come. I was failing miserably at holding the tears back as my husband leaned over to remind me that Hope was up in heaven praying for me. This hospital is not real great at privacy for outpatient surgery. As they were wheeling me down the hall and I was trying to hold back tears, it seemed that every patient's curtain was open and all their loved ones were staring at me. I decided to close my eyes and act like I was already under anesthesia. The anesthesia nurse met us about half-way down the hall and gave me some of the good stuff. I think I had some type of weird medicated dream because the last thing I remember before waking up was being in the operating room and them pushing my stretcher up next to the operating table and telling me to switch beds. Surely that was a dream because I cannot imagine any doctor telling someone that had just been shot up with anesthesia to do anything involving movement!

Next thing I knew I was waking up in the post-op area and immediately began crying again. They brought my husband down and once he was there the nurse pulled the curtain to give me a little privacy. Thank goodness. Before that, I could see the girl directly across from me who looked totally knocked out, but her loved one kept staring at me as I burned through a few tissues. Luckily I didn't have to spend too long in post-op. They just wanted to make sure I could pee, so off I went walking down the long hall past all the patients and their family/friends to the restroom, a nurse walking closely behind me with a tight grip on the back of my gown to make sure I didn't moon anyone or collapse. Isn't it weird that they had me walk all the way to the restroom (which was down two hallways), but I had to be taken out of the hospital in a wheelchair? There is no consistency there!

The ride out of the hospital was the worst. My husband went to pull the car around and the nurse wheeled me halfway down the hall and then just left me there. A few minutes later two other ladies came up and started to take me downstairs. When the elevator arrived a guy walked out and quickly realized he was on the wrong floor. "Sorry," he said, "my wife just had a baby and I haven't slept in five days." Uughh! Then the nurse starts saying how lots of babies were being discharged that day and that Friday's tend to be like that. THEN she said, "Today I had a man who pulled up in a classic red mustang with pink balloons tied to it. It was the SAME car that his dad brought him home from the hospital in." OMGoodness – I couldn't believe this was really happening! They had me sit in the front entrance area for a minute while they clipped off my arm bands and I wondered why in the world I decided it would be a good idea to leave my sunglasses in the car. At least if I had them, I could try to pull off a Jackson-family funeral look where maybe not so many people would realize I was crying. I couldn't wait to get into the car and was even more excited about getting home. Unfortunately, there was traffic on the beltway and it took us two hours to get home! They had pumped me so full of fluids that by the time I got back from my pee-run down the hall in post-op I already had to pee again. I was quickly regretting deciding to wait until I got home to go to the b-room. We finally got back and I shut myself up in my room for the rest of the day. Today I am feeling a lot better emotionally. I think Dr. P did a good job because I am also feeling really good physically with no cramping.

I know this is getting really long, but two more prayer requests and then I will stop begging for prayers.

For a healthy recovery that there will be no complications that could affect my future fertility or ability to carry to term.
That we will have a good vacation and be blessed with the grace we need to get through the difficult times. We will be with about 50 of our family and extended family members, including my 20 nieces and nephews and one great niece. The great niece is the exact same age that baby Gabriel would have been (we were due about 2 weeks apart) and it has always been really hard for me when we see her. We live pretty far away, so I have only seen her 2-3 times, which I think makes it more traumatic than if I had more contact with her. It kills me to see my husband holding her. I'm sure we will be getting lots of words of consolation and that type of stuff always brings tears to my eyes. I also dread any questions we may get from the kids. Some of my bro and sis-in-laws have told their young children about our miscarriages in the past. I think they are way too young to be learning about this type of stuff, and since kids are naturally inquisitive, I have gotten some very direct questions from them in the past which have been really hard for me to deal with emotionally.

One last thing I wanted to share. I have been working my way through the bible for the past couple years and right now I'm reading through Psalms. I have found so many great verses for the IF experience. A few nights ago I read Psalm 56 entitled, Trust in God, and loved some of the verses and one of the footnotes. I have read them every night since. Here they are:

"O Most High, when I am afraid, in you I place my trust. God, I praise your promise; in you I trust, I do not fear. What can mere flesh do to me?" Psalm 56: 3b-5

"My wanderings you have noted; are my tears not stored in your vial*, or recorded in your book?" Psalm 56:9

"This I know: God is on my side. God, I praise your promise; in you I trust, I do not fear. What can mere mortals do to me?" Psalm 56: 10b-12

*Footnote from NAB Personal Study Addition:

56:9: Are my tears not stored in your vial: a unique saying in the Old Testament. The context suggests that the tears are saved because they are precious: God puts a high value on each of the psalmist's troubles.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us. I have really felt wrapped in prayer. Know that I pray for you as well.

Prayers Please **UPDATED

2009-07-06T12:59:00.003-04:00

UPDATE: Thanks to everyone for your comments and prayers. I have really felt lifted up by prayer and the past couple days have not been as hard as expected. I was able to schedule my D&C for Friday at 10:45 am, so please say some prayers that all will go well. This is my first and it definitely makes me nervous!

A little less than a month ago, with a mixture of joy and much trepidation, I found myself holding a positive pregnancy test. We were cautiously optimistic that perhaps the third time was the charm. We hoped that the endo that was removed back in January was the cause of my previous miscarriages and that I would now be able to carry to term. My NAPRO doctor has been watching me like a hawk, and though my HCG levels have steadily increased, the ultrasound just doesn’t lie.

For the past three Mondays we have gone in for ultrasounds. The first was right at the 6 week mark. We clearly saw the fetal sac, but nothing more. We tried to hope for the best, since it may have been a bit too early to see the baby, but considered ourselves warned. At seven weeks, we had a second ultrasound that showed the same. A fetal sac with no yolk sac, no baby, no heartbeat. The next morning happened to be our first ob visit with Dr. B at T.epayac. We decided to keep the appointment. While the nurse was taking my vitals, Dr. B opened the door with a big smile on his face to say hi to us before he headed off to see another patient. We let the nurse know about our ultrasound so Dr. B wouldn’t come in dancing for joy as you patients of his can probably imagine him doing. Instead he came into the room with much concern and immediately came over to hug me. He thought we should have one more ultrasound just to be sure, but estimated that there was about a 90% chance that I would miscarry. That afternoon my NAPRO doctor’s office called and said that the fetal sac had not grown in the week between ultrasounds, but they also wanted me to do just one more.

So first thing this morning we headed in for our Monday ritual and unfortunately there was no change. Luckily we had a very compassionate ultrasound tech who had some fertility problems herself. She offered lots of words of consolation and encouragement. At the end she asked to hold my hands explaining that someone had done this for her. She said she was done having babies and wanted to pass her turn along to me (or something like that). Then she closed her eyes and I think she was praying, but who knows!

We decided to name our baby Hope because of the hope that he or she gave us that we will one day carry home a baby of our own.

I am going to try to schedule a D&C for later in the week. I don’t really want a D&C, but even more than I don’t want to go through that procedure, I don’t want to miscarry next week…on vacation…at the beach…with my husband’s entire family (40+ people) around. We lost our first baby while we were visiting his family over Thanksgiving and it was so difficult to go through such a private moment of suffering so “publicly.” So please say some prayers for my husband and I as we grapple with this new loss and try to find healing and hope. Also please pray that I will have a safe and successful D&C.

“Naked I came forth from my mother's womb, and naked shall I go back again. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!” Job 1:21b

Words of Wisdom

2009-06-29T22:31:00.004-04:00

Last Sunday our pastor gave a sermon that I felt was directly aimed at me as it was so relevant to the IF situation. I wish I had a pen and paper with me to take notes, but here is my weak attempt at recreating at least part of what he said. The gospel was about Jesus and the disciples being on a boat in a storm. Jesus is asleep and the disciples are all scared they are going to die. They wake up Jesus and He calms the seas.

My pastor started off by saying that all of us have one thing in our lives that we wish we could change. We feel like our lives would be pretty good if only this one thing was different. For some people it is a relationship, for others it is improved health, for some it is to make more money, etc. He reminded us that we all have our different struggles in life. Even when one struggle is lifted, there will be another to follow. He spoke about the need to pray for God's grace. His grace is sufficient and will help us through any crisis. Although God may not remove our sufferings from us, He does offer the grace to handle those situations and to maintain our faith in Him.

He then mentioned the importance of the Mass and all of the congregants coming together. We all have different struggles, but we come together as a community to pray with and for each other. He described participating in the Mass as being on the boat when Jesus wakes up. How beautiful is that imagery? Although our life feels stormy and out of control, when we go to Mass, we experience the love of Jesus. Through prayer and the Eucharist, He calms us and gives us the grace we need. Our pastor reminded us of our need to pray for each other. And when times are hard, he reminded us to pray, "Jesus, I trust in you. Give me the grace I need."

I also recently remembered a phrase that our archbishop used in his Lenten Stations of the Cross reflections. I had been meaning to share it here. He prayed, "Lord, grant that I will always be faithful to you, then do with me whatever you will." I love reflecting on that statement – it puts everything into perspective. The most important thing is for us to maintain our faith and trust in God. As long as we have that, we have everything – no matter what struggles life may bring.

"But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name: you are mine. When you pass through the water, I will be with you; in the rivers you shall not drown. When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned; the flames shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:1-2
"On that day, as evening drew on, Jesus said to his disciples: 'Let us cross to the other side.' Leaving the crowd, they took Jesus with them in the boat just as he was. And other boats were with him. A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up. Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. They woke him and said to him, 'Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?' He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, 'Quiet! Be still!' The wind ceased and there was great calm. Then he asked them, 'Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?' They were filled with great awe and said to one another, 'Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?'" Mark 4:35-41
"Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.' I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me." 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

Reflection Questions

Do I feel that if only I am healed from infertility, that I will be satisfied in life?
How do I respond when the struggle of IF is not lifted from my life each month?
How has the grace of God helped me during difficult times?

Prayer for the Intercession of Pope John Paul II

O Holy Trinity, we thank you for having given to the Church Pope John Paul II, and for having made him shine with your fatherly tenderness, the glory of the Cross of Christ and the splendor of the Spirit of love

He, trusting completely in your infinite mercy and in the maternal intercession of Mary, has shown himself in the likeness of Jesus the Good Shepherd and has pointed out to us holiness as the path to reach eternal communion with You.

Grant us, through his intercession, according to your will, the grace that we implore, in the hope that he will soon be numbered among your saints. Amen.

His Sacrifice

2009-06-21T23:17:00.003-04:00

When we first began “planning” to have a baby my husband was preparing for his Ph.D. comprehensive exams and I was working full-time. When I realized that 3 months of unpaid maternity leave would put is in the hole $5,000 for rent and insurance alone, we decided it might be time for my husband to get a full-time job. We planned to wait until the summer when my husband was finished with exams and I would only be a couple months pregnant (ha ha!). But that winter a job opportunity came along that was a perfect fit for my husband. It was close by, he would be using the skills he had learned in grad school, and the benefits were great. We decided that he should go ahead and interview and he was soon hired for the position. The office liked him so much that they were willing to let him work part-time until he finished comps.

It was a busy and stressful few months for my husband as he tried to balance his work load and getting through a 50+ book reading list for exams. In May he took and passed exams and immediately switched to full-time work. His next step was identifying a dissertation topic – a process that ended up taking over a year. As the months went on without a pregnancy, I started feeling more and more guilty about my husband taking on a full-time job and barely having any time to devote to his Ph.D. work. The guilt has followed me to this day, over three years later. Several times I have recommended that perhaps he give up his job for now and just finish his dissertation, but he presses on. Each time we see some friends or family and they half-jokingly ask how his dissertation is going, I feel the guilt. When his Mom nags him about getting serious about his dissertation and about how it didn’t take his brother this long to get his Ph.D., I feel the guilt. None of these people have any idea why my husband decided to take on a full-time job at that point in his schooling, and my sweet husband has never brought it up in his defense.

The end is finally in sight – he is actually setting a date that he hopes to graduate, but it will take a lot of work and sacrifice to meet his goal. Even now I am still telling him to leave work and pursue the dissertation full-time. But he recently moved into a new and higher-level position and wouldn’t dream of leaving it now after giving his word to put at least 1.5 years into the position. I am so thankful for the amazing husband that God has put into my life. As I have told him on a numerous occasions, he is a better man than I had ever dreamed of marrying. (Thank God he is nothing like my high school boyfriends!)

I know that in addition to sacrificing time for his Ph.D. work, he has unwillingly sacrificed being a father at this point in his life. When I see him holding a baby or interacting with our friend’s children, it brings a mixture of joy and sorrow. He will be an amazing father when the time comes just as he has always been an amazing husband to me.

“I found him whom my heart loves…” Song of Solomon 3:4b
“This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.” John 15:12
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7
Reflection Questions
1. What types of sacrifices have my husband and I made on the road to having children?
2. Do I acknowledge my husband’s sacrifices and the ways that infertility affects him?
3. In what ways can I show my husband my thankfulness for him?
Christian Marriage Prayer
Lord Jesus, grant that I and my spouse may have a true and understanding love for each other. Grant that we may both be filled with faith and trust. Give us the grace to live with each other in peace and harmony. May we always bear with one another’s weaknesses and grow from each other’s strengths. Help us to forgive one another’s failings and grant us patience, kindness, cheerfulness and the spirit of placing the well-being of one another ahead of self. May the love that brought us together grow and mature with each passing year. Bring us both ever closer to You through our love for each other. Let our love grow to perfection. Amen.

One of the Guys

2009-06-17T23:53:00.003-04:00

I have found myself hanging out in the guy’s crowd at get togethers quite a bit over the past couple years. By now, most of my friends have children and are getting pregnant left and right. When we get together with a group of friends, I often find myself hanging out with the guys. This is to avoid having to listen to all the conversations about pregnancy, babyhood, and parenting. It’s just one more way that I protect my heart. Instead of hearing all the things the girls are chatting about, I end up listening to conversations about sports, politics, high-level theology, and more. Since these topics don’t particularly interest me (well, politics does) I often end up eavesdropping on the women’s conversations anyway. I remember one evening getting together at a friend’s house with a small group. Two of the girls were pregnant and the other two already had kids. They immediately went into the kitchen, hugged, and started talking shop while I ended up hanging out with the guys, pretending to be interested in something that I didn’t really care about. I felt so alone that evening. The crazy thing is, I was pregnant at the time, just too early to make any announcements! It seems that the difficult emotions we feel as a result of IF do not magically disappear with a positive pregnancy test.

In so many of these situations, I just don’t feel like I fit in. I obviously don’t fit in with the men’s crowd and usually can’t contribute much to their conversations. I don’t fit in with all my friends who are mothers. Even though I’ve been blessed with two conceptions, I feel like I can’t join in on conversations about pregnancy-induced food aversions or the exhaustion of early pregnancy even though I have experienced both. We don’t really fit in with any of the couples we know from church, because we are the only ones without children. This is not to say that we don’t have any friends or that people we know treat us like outcasts, just that in certain ways we can’t relate to them.

There are plenty of characters in the bible that can relate to feeling like they don’t fit in. Here are a few:
1. Hannah and all the women of the bible who experienced infertility. They had added social stigmas that are not as strong today.
2. Mary and Joseph when they were pregnant with Jesus. The movie The N.ativity really got me to think in a new way about how they were probably looked upon by other people in their community.
3. Jesus – I think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and how lonely He must have felt when even His friends couldn’t keep watch. How many times I have also quietly prayed that the Lord would let this cup pass from me.

I imagine that none of the saints felt like they quite fit in with the people they interacted with. This is a part of the human experience. We all experience “feeling like an outsider” in various ways throughout life. This is just one experience that I never imagined I would be facing, and that I have had to face for longer than I would prefer. Like Jesus, I need to surrender myself to the Lord’s will, no matter where that may lead.

“For he will carry out what is appointed for me, and many such things may yet be in his mind.” Job 23:14
“Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord…” Psalm 6:3ab
“My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39b

Reflection Questions
1. In what situations have I felt like I just don’t fit in?
2. Do I try to befriend others when they may be in a situation in which they feel like they don’t fit in?
3. What models of faith could I reflect upon when feeling lonely and different from others?

Memorare
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it knownthat anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help or sought thy intercession,was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, We fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins ourMother; to thee do we come, before thee we stand, sinful and sorrowful; O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not our petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer them. Amen.

Baby in the Backseat

2009-06-11T19:37:00.003-04:00

Is it weird that my car reminds me of my infertility? I’m not quite sure when this started, but often when I am in the car alone, I begin to daydream about having a baby in the backseat. My guess is that this came about because I pass an elementary school on my way to work each day. They open around the time I go to work, so the area is always bustling on my morning drive. Every morning, I see parents in their minivans full of children, or walking their school-age children to school while pushing their strollers. How often I have longed to be one of those stroller-pushers in the neighborhood!

I’m not quite sure why I have romanticized the car seat thing. I know several parents whose children absolutely hated being in the car and screamed anytime they were near a car seat. So I know in real life, there isn’t always a quiet cooing baby back there…but this is my daydream. It intensified for a short while last summer when I traded my small Corolla for an SUV. There is so much room in my vehicle and it is just little old me inside!

Isn’t it strange the things that remind us of our infertility struggles? Or the things that we dream about doing that most parents see as commonplace or even burdensome? On Monday night I was at spinning class and all of a sudden felt this overwhelming yearning to hold a baby of my very own. The feeling was so intense it took me by surprise (perfectly timed to an intense section of the class). At least I have my cat to baby. After a year of working on him, I can now get him to let me hold him like a baby first thing in the morning and right when I get home from work. Is that sick or what? Poor cat, he is my substitute baby right now! Another couple years of IF and we might end up buying one of those pet strollers and walking him around the neighborhood!

All of this yearning has made me think about God’s yearning for us. God also longs for His children. Each day He wants us to acknowledge Him in the little things. Instead of big showy productions, He longs for a glance from us towards heaven. A simple, honest prayer, an act of love or charity in His name, or offering up our sufferings to Him. How often I go through the day without really communicating with God. Without doing all the little things that add up to a healthy and thriving spiritual life. He longs for me to bring all my joys and sufferings to Him, and what peace and contentment it might bring if I do!

“Cast your care upon the LORD, who will give you support. God will never allow the righteous to stumble.” Psalm 55:23

“In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:6

"What man among you having a hundred sheep and losing one of them would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he does find it, he sets it on his shoulders with great joy and, upon his arrival home, he calls together his friends and neighbors and says to them, 'Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.'” Luke 15:4-6

Reflection Questions
1. Have I turned from God or put others thoughts or tasks before Him?
2. What time am I giving back to God?
3. What are the little things that I can do to build up my relationship with God?

Lord God, please help me to live in appreciation of all that you have provided for me. Calm my racing mind and help me to enjoy your presence in this moment. Through your Holy Spirit, guide me, that I will not turn my face from you, but may always seek you in joy and suffering. I wish to grow closer to you each day of my life. Amen.

Happens Every Month

2009-06-02T23:10:00.002-04:00

Every month there is some new story with me. I think I feel something in my body that is distinctly different than previous months. In the 2 week wait, we TTC ladies tend to get really tuned in to every nudge, twitch, ache, or cramp. We notice if our appetite or energy levels change. We notice if our emotions are running high. Last month I thought I was overly emotional and noticed I was getting winded easily. I knew my lack of pre-menstrual spotting was because I was finally supplementing with progesterone again…but I still wondered…

As the wife in the movie Facing the Giants said, "sometimes my mind plays tricks on me." I completely identified with that line in the movie. It is too bad that early pregnancy symptoms are so similar to PMS! It makes it so much easier to get up our hopes. Even though I've been pregnant a couple times and I know that implantation cramps feel different from PMS cramps, I still sometimes trick myself into thinking that maybe these are "the ones." I guess I need to admit that not every symptom I face is cycle related. Maybe I am extra exhausted one month because I'm not keeping up with my exercise, or I'm eating junk, or…I'm just not getting enough sleep!

It can be difficult to get our hopes up only to stare a negative pregnancy test in the face, or see the signs of CD1. I learned once again last month that the fastest way to start a new cycle is to take a pregnancy test. I try to avoid testing at all costs, but I was about to go on travel and needed to know what medicines and supplies to pack.

The emotions on the day you test or at the first signs of a new cycle tend to run the gamut. Disappointment, sadness, bitterness, acceptance – it is a monthly heartache – a reminder of an opportunity missed. I guess God thinks a lot of us ladies, because He sure did give us quite challenge – one that cuts right to the core. But somehow we are given the strength and grace that is needed. We learn that we can handle more than we thought, that even if we are having a bad day, things will turn around. Though no day goes by without that silent suffering, there is much to be thankful for. The Holy Spirit, who we celebrate in this week of Pentecost is our constant helper and companion. The Holy Spirit helps us to pray when we have no words, and to move forward when we feel like holding back. The fruits of the Holy Spirit are some of those gifts that we TTC ladies need most: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Perhaps it is time that I take another look at my relationship with the "hidden person of the Trinity."

"The spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him: a spirit of wisdom and of understanding, a spirit of counsel and of strength, a spirit of knowledge and of fear of the LORD" Isaiah 11:2

"In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God's will." Romans 8:26-27

"We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit that is from God, so that we may understand the things freely given us by God." 1 Corinthians 2:12

"In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." Galatians 5:22-23a

Reflection Questions

Does my mind play tricks on me throughout the month?
How do I deal with the disappointments of not conceiving each month?
What gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit do I need most at this point in my life?

Prayer for the Seven Gifts of the Holy Spirit

O Lord Jesus Christ Who, before ascending into heaven did promise to send the Holy Spirit to finish Your work in the souls of Your Apostles and Disciples, deign to grant the same Holy Spirit to me that He may perfect in my soul, the work of Your grace and Your love. Grant me the Spirit of Wisdom that I may despise the perishable things of this world and aspire only after the things that are eternal, the Spirit of Understanding to enlighten my mind with the light of Your divine truth, the Spirit of Counsel that I may ever choose the surest way of pleasing God and gaining heaven, the Spirit of Fortitude that I may bear my cross with You and that I may overcome with courage all the obstacles that oppose my salvation, the Spirit of Knowledge that I may know God and know myself and grow perfect in the science of the Saints, the Spirit of Piety that I may find the service of God sweet and amiable, and the Spirit of Fear that I may be filled with a loving reverence towards God and may dread in any way to displease Him. Mark me, dear Lord, with the sign of Your true disciples and animate me in all things with Your Spirit. Amen.

Darn Fertile People

2009-05-26T23:18:00.002-04:00

When I see a pregnant woman out in public, one thing runs through my mind 9 times out of 10 – "Darn fertile people." This started very early on in my journey. It seems that everyone who is of child-bearing years is walking around with a swollen belly, pushing a strolling, or navigating their kids through crowds. It is easy to think that all these people get pregnant at the drop of a hat and take their fertility for granted. I knew that I needed to change my thinking one morning after mass. My husband and I stayed in the pew to pray – my mind (and eyes) were straying from prayer. In the corner, I saw a woman who was carrying a large bag happily talking to other church members. I imagined that she was carrying a baby bag packed with all sorts of goodies "Darn fertile people," I thought. A few minutes later as she walked past, I realized that it was a Hawaiian flower bag – definitely not anything remotely to do with babies! And she had no children or even a husband in sight. I realized that I was actually looking for reasons to feel sorry for myself.

When I see pregnant women and that "darn fertile people" thought runs through my mind, I try to remind myself that not all of these women have gotten pregnant easily. At least 10% of couples deal with fertility issues and depending on whose numbers you are looking at, between 1 in 5 or 1 in 4 known pregnancies end in miscarriage. I saw so many pregnant women this past weekend while we were out with my parents who were visiting from out of town. Each time I saw a pregnant belly or a woman holding a baby, I felt that familiar tinge of sorrow for what I don't have. This infertility stuff sure requires a lot of grace! But based on the stats, I can assume that at least a few of the women I passed have been through the ringer and don't take their fertility for granted. Many of them have also prayed for the blessing of a child and for the cross of infertility to be lifted from them.

Over the past few weeks, I have started a new prayer after receiving the Eucharist. I have been praying specifically for God to heal me from infertility and miscarriage. I also pray for the other women He has put into my life who are struggling with the same issues (including my new blog friends). Those moments after receiving the Eucharist must be powerful ones, so I want to be straightforward with God – asking for exactly what I desire in my heart. I try to remind myself that if I have the faith of a mustard seed, mountains can be moved.

When I walked into the hospital lobby the day before my laparoscopy, a pregnant woman passed by. The same "Darn fertile people" mantra started running through my mind, when I stopped myself. I remembered that I was having surgery so that one day, hopefully I will be the one walking through the hospital lobby nine months pregnant! I hope that the Holy Spirit will continue to whisper in my ear when I am in those "grass is greener on the other side" situations. I need Him to keep me on the straight and narrow!

"I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be hindered." Job 42:2
"Answer when I call, my saving God. In my troubles, you cleared a way; show me favor; hear my prayer." Psalm 4:2
"He said to them, 'Because of your little faith. Amen I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to the mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'" Matthew 17:20

Reflection Questions

Do I allow negative thoughts to cross my mind when I see another couple who has been blessed with the gift of a child?
Are there ways that I can refocus myself away from negative thoughts and towards something more constructive?
What specifically do I want to ask of God in my current situation (healing, hope, guidance, direction, acceptance, etc.)?

Prayer to St. Rita

(Patroness of sterility, infertility, bodily ills, sickness, sick people, desperate or impossible causes, lost causes, forgotten causes, difficult marriages, parenthood, victims of physical spouse abuse, widows)

Dear Rita, model wife and widow, you yourself suffered in a long illness showing patience out of love for God. Teach us to pray as you did. Many invoke you for help, full of confidence in your intercession. Deign to come now to our aid for the relief and cure of (name). To God all things are possible; may this healing give glory to the Lord. Amen.

Hannah: A Model of Hope

2009-05-17T22:51:00.005-04:00

A few weeks after our second miscarriage, my husband and I were asked to speak at our church's women's retreat. Our topic: Hope. "Who are we to speak about hope," I thought. The hope that we felt at the first sign of a positive pregnancy test had been shattered just a week or two earlier. I felt that God was calling me to use my experiences of IF in our talk, but wondered how I might be able to relay my experiences without getting into specifics with a group filled with friends and strangers, from young adults to grandmothers. I also wanted to be able to make it through the talk without breaking down in tears! That was when I remembered the story of Hannah in 1st Samuel. Hannah's story has been a source of hope for many women facing IF. It is perhaps the most detailed accounting of a barren woman in the bible. We decided to speak about two women of hope: Hannah and Mary. I spoke about Hannah while my husband spoke about Mary. Here is a modified version of my sections of the talk.

Read 1 Samuel 1-2:11 and 2:18-21

What can we learn about hope from Hannah's story?

First, Hannah knew suffering but did not despair. Women and men of faith are not without problems in this life – Hannah bore the cross of infertility. In the time of Hannah:

Infertility was looked on as a curse from God
Infertility was always deemed to be the woman's fault
Sons were valued to continue the family line and to provide for mothers as they grew older – after her husband's death, Hannah may have been left in poverty

I am sure glad we don't live in Hannah's time! Many of these problems are the result of the society at the time, but infertility causes deeper sufferings that cut across the generations. Women facing infertility often experience a crisis of identity. They see the world through a different lens and it affects their relationships with their spouse, parents, friends, and God. Infertility can lead to questions about one's womanhood, vocation in life, future, etc. Women experiencing this barrenness of womb often feel anger, grief, longing, isolation, questions, struggles, and sorrow. Hannah's heart was nearly crushed beneath the weight of her grief.

Secondly, Hannah offered her suffering to the Lord. We know that Hannah maintained hope because she persisted in prayer. Those who have despaired stop praying, but those who hope continue to persist. Hannah remained faithful to the Lord – she kept visiting the Temple each year– she went after God. We sometimes feel that God knows the desires of our heart and that we should stop repeating the same petition, but the bible teaches the value of persistence in prayer. Hannah's prayer in the Temple this day was different – we know that as she prayed, she cried. When was the last time that you felt so strongly about an intention that you wept in prayer? That is truly reserved for our most heartfelt and desperate intentions. After offering her petitions to the Lord this day, Hannah felt changed. "Once I develop this holy virtue of hope within me, I shall know at last what it means to be free of fears and doubts. I shall then possess the peace of God." – Excerpt from My Daily Bread by the Confraternity of the Precious Blood

The third thing we can learn from Hannah's story is surrender to the Lord. First, she surrendered her future to the Lord through prayer. Hannah then kept her promise by offering God the gift her heart had so deeply desired. Hannah cherished her child in a unique way because of her difficult road to conception. But she did not hesitate in keeping her promise to the Lord. She offered her son to the Lord's service as soon as he was weaned. The perfection of the virtue of hope is a complete self-surrender to the Lord's wisdom in all matters. (My Daily Bread) Hope is an exercise in trust.

Finally, we learn from Hannah's story that God is generous. We often hear it said that the Lord will not be outdone in generosity and Hannah's story exemplifies this. Hannah gave the gift of her son to the service of the Lord; He then blessed her with three sons and two daughters. Samuel became an instrumental leader of Israel. He was a prophet who chose and anointed David as King. Hannah's experience of infertility drove her to a particular kind of prayer. Perhaps He was withholding His blessing because He held her in high esteem. God needed a child set apart and dedicated to the Lord's service. If Hannah had not experienced such a struggle to conceive, perhaps she would not have been so generous in offering her first born son to the Lord's service. Hannah was formed and changed by the cross of infertility.

Hannah teaches us to give praise to the Lord in all circumstances, even when our future seems uncertain. Hannah's story must have been familiar to Mary. Compare the Magnificat to "Hannah's Song," the words she prayed after bringing Samuel to the Temple.

"She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord, and wept bitterly." 1 Samuel 1:10

"Then the woman went her way and ate, and her countenance was no longer sad." 1 Samuel 1:18b

"And the Lord remembered her; and in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, 'I have asked him of the Lord.'" 1 Samuel 1:19b-20

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord has granted me my petition which I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Reflection Questions

How does Hannah's story resonate with your own?
In what ways do you see Hannah as a model of Hope?
How is the Lord forming and changing you through infertility?

Hannah's Song

My heart exults in the Lord; my strength is exalted in the Lord. My mouth derides my enemies, because I rejoice in thy salvation.
There is none holy like the Lord, there is none besides thee; there is no rock like our God.
Talk no more so very proudly, let not arrogance come from your mouth; for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.
The bows of the mighty are broken, but the feeble gird on strength.
Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread, but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger.
The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children is forlorn.
The Lord kills and brings to life; he brings down to Sheol and raises up.
The Lord makes poor and makes rich; he brings low, he also exalts.
He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor.
For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's, and on them he has set the world.
He will guard the feet of his faithful ones; but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness; for not by might shall a man prevail.
The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; against them he will thunder in heaven.
The Lord will judge the ends of the earth; he will give strength to his king, and exalt the power of his anointed.

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2009-05-08T17:26:00.000-04:00

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Knife through the Heart

2009-05-04T21:32:00.010-04:00

Last week at work I was chatting with our new admin assistant. She asked me if I had any children – ugh! I hate to say not yet, especially since I have two babies in heaven, but I don't want to get into it with everyone. A few minutes later another co-worker came up to join the conversation. He works in a different department, so I don't know him very well. The first thing he asks is, do you have any children? Then he quickly follows up with, do you want children? Knife straight through the heart! Although I say that I don't have any children, I note that I have a number of godchildren and nieces/nephews.

"Oh no" he said, "unless you change the diapers, unless you pay the baby sitter, until you get a call from school to pick up a sick child, you don't have children." He went on and on with these scenarios. Obviously I know that being a godmother and an aunt is a big difference from being a parent. I don't try to pretend that I am a mother to these children, but I didn't want to look like a selfish person with no love for children. When he asked my co-worker to back him up, she agreed. It seemed like he was just twisting and twisting the knife! I sat there with a fake smile on my face, wishing I could escape the situation.

To top it all off, he then goes into the whole fake "Don't have children, they are such a burden" thing. He has joked around about this before and I'm sure most people just laugh along with him, but it is so not funny. Why don't people realize that? Why don't people think that perhaps there may be a reason that a couple doesn't have children and that you may actually want to try to be sensitive to that? There is nothing I desire more than what he was describing.

Afterwards, our admin assistant said that she doesn't really agree with what he said about not having children unless they are your own, but how could she not? In the eyes of the world, we are not parents. His comments hurt me even more than I realized. Over the weekend I had one of those Nothing is Ever Easy experiences while trying to get a blood draw and that caused a downward spiral of emotions. Luckily my husband came home just in time to comfort me. He reminded me of Luke 18 where Jesus said, "Let the children come to me." Even though I am not their mother, I have an important role in these children's lives (although I often feel like I am not living up to my end of the bargain). God has withheld the gift of parenthood from us, but he has blessed us abundantly with nieces, nephews, and friends who trust us enough to invite us to be their children's godparents. And in my heart, I know that I am a mother, both to my babies in heaven, and to our future children, however they may come to us.

"What strength have I that I should endure, and what is my limit that I should be patient?" Job 6:11
"Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm for you are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage." Psalm 23:4
"People were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them, and when the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. Jesus, however, called the children to himself and said, "Let the children come to me and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Luke 18:15-16

Reflection Questions
1. How do I handle difficult comments from friends, family, and acquaintances? Do I have someone to confide in and vent to?
2. Do I bring my cares to the Lord? Am I honest in expressing my feelings to Him?
3. In what ways am I already a mother?

I Heard The Voice Of Jesus Say ... (verse 1)
By H. Bonar (1808-1889)

I HEARD the voice of Jesus say,
Come unto Me and rest;
Lay down, thou weary one, lay down
Thy head upon My breast.
I came to Jesus as I was,
Weary, and worn, and sad;
I found in Him a resting-place,
And He has made me glad.

The Girl Next Door

2009-04-30T00:34:00.001-04:00

About two years ago, I had an office next door to a girl, "R" who has now become a close friend. We had always been friendly but had never gotten too comfortable with each other. Then one day, another co-worker, "K" walked into my office and confided that R was also having a hard time becoming pregnant. I realized that both of us had been talking to K about our IF struggles, but neither of us had talked to each other about them. I guess K decided that this was the day we both needed to find out. It turned out we had both been trying for about the same amount of time.

Within a couple days, R and I were confiding in each other and connecting in new ways. There is a definite bonding that happens quickly between two women faced with the IF experience. We discussed doctors, possible causes, treatment options, diet, etc. I helped lift her up and listen to her on days when she was feeling down and she did the same for me. She moved away from the area temporarily while her husband took a 9-month class in another state. One weekend I received a message that she was in the hospital and would explain more on Monday. Immediately I imagined what was happening and began the prayers. On Monday, I learned that she had an ectopic pregnancy. I finally confided in her that I had a miscarriage, and although they are different situations, I can understand the suffering of losing a child.

Our relationship continued to grow. Last spring we were together at a meeting and were alone for a few minutes. She started to delicately prepare me for the "I'm pregnant" news and I was so excited to tell her that I was pregnant as well. We had gotten pregnant within a week of each other! We were both screaming, hugging and crying. We quickly became pregnancy buddies, spending lots of time quietly talking on the phone (during work time) about our symptoms and plans for the pregnancy, doctors, child care, etc.

Sadly, I miscarried at 12 weeks, but R was able to carry to term and now has a 6-month old boy. I wasn't sure how I would handle watching her pregnancy progress and seeing her little boy. I prayed to God for the grace to get through this time. At 4 or 5 months, she returned to the area and I knew I would be seeing her every day. I was quite anxious about how I would react to seeing her and hearing my co-workers talk to her about the pregnancy. Although it was not easy, God gave me the grace to get through it without feeling sorry for myself (at least that's what I say now). I was even able to go to two baby showers for her (one personal, one at work) which I normally avoid like the plague. When I see her little boy, I can't believe that I could have had a 6 month old (and a 2-year old) if my pregnancies had carried to term.

I'm so thankful that God provided me with this friendship at a time when I needed it most. It is amazing to me that the girl in the office next door, was going through the same struggles as me for so long and neither of us even knew! Please pray for my dear friend. She was diagnosed with a likely case of thyroid cancer last week (doctors are still not totally sure, but it looks like it). She'll have surgery on Monday and will have radiation therapy as well if it is indeed cancer. Thanks in advance for any prayers you can spare!

"We accept good things from God; and should we not accept evil?" Job 2:10b

"Two are better than one: they get a good wage for their labor. If the one falls, the other will lift up his companion. Woe to the solitary man! For if he should fall, he has no one to lift him up." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

Reflection Questions

How has God surprised you during your IF journey?
What friends have you met along the way that have helped you through struggles?
Has God given you the grace to get through difficult situations?
How do you handle situations that you do not feel you have the grace, strength, or courage to face?

Prayer of Thanks for Friends

I want to thank you, Gracious Lord, for the good friends you give me; they are for me a priceless bounty.
Thanks to them, friendship is neither an abstraction, nor a distant, almost impossible, dream.
I owe to your providence, Lord, the possibility of counting on the constant help of friends.
Between me and them you have formed a solid bridge,
which can withstand all threats of destruction.
The happiness with which you have blessed us enables us to enrich one another.
Lord, you alone know the reasons that drew us closer together.
I promise to do everything in my power to deserve this precious gift that you have reserved for me.
I ask you, Gracious Lord, to keep them safe in your hands, for they are yours above all.
Amen.

PS – My friends from college are adopting their second infant in a span of just over 12 months! I can't believe what luck they have had. If/when we go the adoption route, I will definitely be on the phone with her to find out what the heck she put in her family profile! Here is her adoption story for #1 – scroll beneath the photos for the adoption timeline. First adoption only took 38 days – what!?!

Nothing is Ever Easy

2009-04-19T21:50:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it seems that it is so hard to get anything done regarding IF. Some of the simplest tasks become drawn-out, frustrating events. That is how things have been going for me recently. At my last Dr's appointment, we were reviewing my surgery results, hormone panel, and miscarriage panel testing. The doctor spent a good deal of time with us reviewing my results and outlining a course of treatment. He quickly ended our meeting because he was behind schedule. Before leaving the office I realized that he had not mentioned anything regarding progesterone supplementation even though my hormone profile showed that it was very low post-peak. I decided to wait and either send the doctor an email or call the nurse about it. It took a couple weeks for the doctor to set me up with a protected email account where we could send messages back and forth. He sent me my instructions for the new treatments and then asked if we discussed progesterone supplementation. Great, I thought, he noticed that missing piece as well. I responded to the message right away and never heard a response. Called the doctor's office a couple times and never heard a response. Finally, about two weeks later, and cutting into my post-peak phase, the nurse called and said the doctor never got my email message. Ugh! By then I was close to P+7 and my monthly blood draw and cycle review. I sent him and the nurse a second message immediately. They decided to wait to see the blood work and monthly chart.

Finally, around the start of my new cycle I got a response that the doctor wants to supplement my progesterone. But of course, nothing is ever easy. He wants me to use a compounding pharmacy. I found one that is about 20-25 minutes away and called the number into the nurse last Monday. She called that day to order my prescription. In the back of my mind I thought maybe I should call the pharmacy to make sure they got the order and were filling it. But of course I didn't. On Thursday I had an appointment that was fairly close to the pharmacy. I decided to kill two birds with one stone since the pharmacy is really out of my way otherwise. I got to the pharmacy counter and of course they had trouble finding the prescription. The assistant asks if it is possible that it is new order. "Yes," I said and she found the order immediately. The problem was, they hadn't filled it. And since they had to compound it, it would be a few hours before they finished the order. "Usually people call first," they explained. Is it crazy of me to assume that a pharmacy is going to fill my prescription when it is called in by my doctor? I gave them four days before stopping by to pick it up!

Since it is a small pharmacy, it has very inconvenient hours that just aren't working with my schedule. We had plans with friends in the area on Saturday, but got done about 15 minutes too late to get to the pharmacy before their 3 pm close time. They are closed on Sundays (good for them) and now I am going out of town until Thursday evening. It seems that I should be able to pick it up next Saturday, but that is cutting it really close to when I will need it. This one little item that should have taken 1-2 days to take care of has turned into a month and a half project!

Trying to coordinate my cycle review was a second (albeit shorter-lived) fiasco that I won't get into. Why do simple things have to be so hard? As if it isn't frustrating enough that conception doesn't work as smoothly as it should, adding the frustrations of working with doctors offices, labs, pharmacies, insurance, hospitals, and others just seems to add insult to injury.

I know this is all a great lesson in perseverance. Romans 5:3-5 says: "… but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us." These verses seem to reflect the IF journey and so many of the faithful Catholic women I have met along this path. We persevere and endure through this affliction, through daily sufferings and inconveniences. We stand counter to the pressures of this world with regards to illicit IF treatment showing a formed and proven character. And of course we are reflections of hope. If we had no hope, how could we continue on this journey? I know that God must rejoice in the faith, hope, and love of the faithful infertile woman. May we continue to lovingly persevere along this journey, growing in virtue every step of the way.

"We urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, cheer the fainthearted, support the weak, be patient with all." 1 Thessalonians 5:14

"Indeed we call blessed those who have persevered." James 5:11a

"In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1Peter 1:6-7

Reflection Questions

How do I deal with setbacks and frustrations along this path?
What virtues have I developed through perseverance?
Reflect on Romans 5:3-5. How does this reflect my growth through infertility?

Lord, thank you for the gifts of faith, hope, and love. With these virtues, I can faithfully endure along this path. Please help me to persevere through struggles, frustrations, and sufferings. Help me to be patient with others and with myself. Lead and guide me through your Holy Spirit, that I may do your will in all things.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-13T20:49:00.004-04:00

Happy Easter! In honor of this joyous occasion, I am taking a break this week from blogging. I am posting a few selections from the Easter Vigil. We went to the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in DC and enjoyed a beautiful liturgy.

"Come, then, all you races of humankind who sin has saturated and receive the forgiveness of sin.
For it is I who am your forgiveness,
I, the saving Pasch,
I, the Lamb sacrificed for you,
I, your purification, I, your life,
I, your resurrection, I, your light,
I, your salvation, I, your King!
It is I who bring you to the heights of heaven:
It is I who shall raise you up here on earth."
Excerpt from Procession

"This is the night when Christians everywhere, washed clean of sin and freed from all defilement,are restored to grace and grow together in holiness.
This is the night when Jesus Christ broke the chains of death and rose triumphant from the grave.
What good would life have been to us, had Christ not come as our Redeemer?
Father, how wonderful your care for us! How boundless your merciful love!
To ranson a slave you gave away your Son.
O happy fault, O necessary sin of Adam, which gained for us so great a Redeemer!
Most blessed of all nights, chosen by God to see Christ rising from the dead!"
Excerpt from Easter Proclamation

"O Lord, it is you who are my portion and cup;
it is you yourself who are my prize.
I keep the Lord ever in my sight;
since He is at my right hand, I shall stand firm.

And so my heart rejoices, my soul is glad;
even my body shall rest in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead,
nor let your beloved know decay.

You will show me the path of life,
the fullness of joy in your presence,
at your right hand, happiness forever."
Psalm 16:5, 8, 9-10, 11

Dreading the Date

2009-04-07T00:19:00.013-04:00

The tax man cometh. And so does a date that I am dreading. For me, tax day and Thanksgiving will always be sad reminders of the loss of my two babies. For the past couple weeks, I have been reminded of my pregnancy last year through random associations. I remember being pregnant while doing Stations of the Cross; I remember going to buy Easter candy at the store and putting something back because the thought of it was making me nauseous; I remember having to package all of our tax materials and get them off in the mail just a few short hours after learning that our baby's heart was no longer beating. I will always associate the Pope's visit to the U.S. last April with the day I lost my baby. Amazingly, my husband was able to shake the Pope's hand the next day, which felt like a gift straight from God after what we had been through.

All of us who have gone through IF know the feeling of dreading a date. Sadly, we have sometimes lost the joy of celebrating our birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays because they remind us of another year that has gone by without the gift of a child. Child-centered holidays and family get-togethers can carry a particular sting for us. I've often heard it said, "don't let the devil steal your joy." This is easy to say, and hard to live out. Although it is inevitable that we will reflect on our childlessness during these milestones in life, I think we can ease these sufferings by not allowing ourselves to dwell on IF. Yes, these are valid emotions and they need to be dealt with; but we should not let ourselves obsess in our sorrows without spending time rejoicing in the meaning of the day. This can be challenging depending on where we are in our cycles, who we are with, etc. Trust me, I know.

I have had some rough Mother's Days, but last year was not one of them. My husband had learned a few tricks over the years which certainly helped. He got me a card, made a special breakfast for me, and took me out to the mall for the day. In the past, I have cried throughout mass and then moped the remainder of the day. I never asked to do anything special and allowed myself to wallow in my sadness. Sadly, I was thinking more about myself then about my own mother and mother-in-law who have been such amazing influences in my life.

Although April 15 will be a sad reminder of the loss of Gabriel, I hope that with God's grace, we will be able to rejoice in the joy of knowing that we have a baby interceding for us in heaven instead of feeling sorry for ourselves for the pain we have endured.

"My days are passed away; my plans are at an end, the cherished purposes of my heart." Job 17:11
"Those who sow in tears will reap with cries of joy." Psalm 126:5
"Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

Reflection Questions

How have I dealt with holidays and milestones that are reminders of my infertility?
Have I explained how those days make me feel to my husband, family or friends so that they can be more understanding of me?
Are there any steps I can take to make those days easier to bear?

A Prayer for Healing

Lord, You invite all who are burdened to come to you. Allow Your healing Hand to heal me. Touch my soul with Your compassion for others; touch my heart with Your courage and infinite Love for all; touch my mind with Your Wisdom, and may my mouth always proclaim Your praise. Teach me to reach out to You in all my needs, and help me to lead others to You by my example. Most loving Heart of Jesus, bring me health in body and spirit that I may serve You with all my strength. Touch gently this life which you have created, now and forever.
Amen.

The Waiting Room

2009-04-01T23:38:00.007-04:00

We've all been there – wasting away our days in the waiting room. As I sat stuck in the Denver airport for 6 hours on Monday due to a cancelled flight, I began thinking about waiting rooms. I think my worst waiting room experience was when I went to get a blood draw on New Year's Eve. I learned that this is the absolute WORST day of the year to get a blood draw. Everyone crowded the room the entire day trying to get their blood work done before their insurance deductibles reset the following morning. I was in the middle of my month-long hormone panel and had brought my biggest lab order that day. Unfortunately, my doctor hadn't coded all of the tests and only wrote out the test names. While the lab staff was supposed to be closed for lunch, they were on the phone with my doctor's office trying to get the codes for the numerous tests that I was to have. At the end of their one-hour lunch break, the patients were literally banging down the doors to get in! I felt bad for the lab staff who have now become my "LabCorps friends." After seeing me every other day for a few weeks, we started to build a good rapport – but not on that day!

I often feel like I am in the waiting room of my life. Sometimes it feels like life will start when we have a family. I didn't used to feel that way, but over the past few years, I know that I have been holding back. Before each vacation, trip, or choice in life, I have to consider if I will be able to do this or that if I get pregnant. At times I've considered changing jobs, but I pass it off thinking I might get pregnant soon because I just started XYZ new treatment. I would feel bad if I started a new job and then left for maternity leave (or forever!). Should I sign up for boot camp at the gym? No, I might get pregnant and not be able to participate. The list goes on and on…

I don't want to hold back in life. I want to enjoy this precious moment in time when my husband and I are able to grow together as a couple and enjoy the gifts that God has blessed us with. I don't want to look back in a few years and realize that I wasted away my time because I was too preoccupied with getting to the next step in life. It is a delicate balance between accepting the present moment with gratefulness and praying and pursuing options that I hope will change my life indefinitely.

One of my favorite bands right now is Casting Crowns. This post started making me think of the song Somewhere in the Middle by Mark Hall. This song sums up where I am in life right now. Here is an excerpt, but you can find the full lyrics here (#7). (Emphasis added)

"Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me"

"Are the consolations of God not enough for you?" Job 15:11a

"Wait for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14

"Yet the Lord is waiting to show you favor, and He rises to pity you; For the Lord is a God of justice: blessed are all who wait for Him!"

Reflection Questions

How might I use my time in the waiting room more productively?
In what ways have I held back in life?
Do I try to enjoy the present moment without seeking more?

Lord, please grant me peace and patience during this waiting period of my life. Help me to recognize the joy of the present moment and express my thanks to you. Guide me in recognizing when I am holding back in ways that I shouldn't. I trust in you!

Protecting My Heart

2009-03-22T22:31:00.025-04:00

I recently had an email exchange with a friend. She inquired how my last doctor's appointment went. I told her that everything was healing well from my surgery, but some testing had shown hormone and other issues that need to be worked on. This is my first month with a new protocol. I mentioned that since I still have some things to work out, I wasn't expecting a pregnancy right away. She then wrote back that hopefully it wouldn't take more than one cycle for the hormones to fall in line (I can just hear some of you either laughing or groaning!). I love my friend dearly, and appreciate her faithful prayers for us. But as she is pregnant with her third baby in four years of marriage, she can't quite relate to our experience of trying to patiently wait for a child.

As I reflected on this exchange over the weekend, I realized that my words over email showed that I am already falling back into the pattern of protecting my heart. Those of us who have experienced the challenges of infertility have learned quickly how to lead a guarded life. I protect my heart each time I decline a baby shower or baptism invitation. I protect my heart each time I tell myself I am not pregnant during the 2 week wait. I protect my heart each time I quietly excuse myself from a discussion about someone's pregnancy or young children. I protect my heart each time I break down and take a pregnancy test while telling myself that I am not pregnant and should not be taking the test right now!

Tonight I began to wonder how Mary reacted after Simeon foretold that a sword would pierce her heart. How often did she ponder what his prophecy meant? Did she live in human fear of what sufferings she may have to endure? Through scripture, I know that she said "Yes" to all that the Lord had planned for her. She responded to Him with faith and trust even though the road was filled with sorrows. She did not excuse herself from being present at the foot of the cross because she was scared of how she would emotionally react. She knew it would be difficult, but she went anyway. She held the body of her crucified Son in her arms. We cannot begin to imagine the depth of her sorrow on that day. But though her sorrow was great, I imagine that her joy on Easter morning was even greater! Mary lived fully. What an example we have in her!

"In the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph, of the house of David, and the virgin's name was Mary. And coming to her, he said, 'Hail, favored one! The Lord is with you.'" Luke 1: 26-28

"and Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, 'Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be contradicted (and you yourself a sword will pierce) so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.'" Luke 2:34-35

"God, I praise your promise; in you I trust, I do not fear. What can mere flesh do to me?" Psalm 56:5

Reflection Questions
1. In what ways am I guarding my heart?

2. Have I closed myself off to friends, family, or God?

3. Is God calling me to release anything?

Novena Prayer to the Immaculate Heart of Mary

O Most Blessed Mother, heart of love, heart of mercy, ever listening, caring, consoling, hear our prayer. As your children, we implore your intercession with Jesus your Son. Receive with understanding and compassion the petitions we place before you today, especially ... (special intention).

We are comforted in knowing your heart is ever open to those who ask for your prayer. We trust to your gentle care and intercession, those whom we love and who are sick or lonely or hurting. Help all of us, Holy Mother, to bear our burdens in this life until we may share eternal life and peace with God forever.
Amen.

I found this statue of Mary's heart being peirced by a sword in a church in Assisi - just had to post it!

Diving Back In

2009-03-15T22:18:00.007-04:00

My husband and I are officially diving back in. We have been on a break for a few months as I prepared for and recovered from surgery. The break has been so refreshing – especially after the emotional torments of late summer when I turned 30 and celebrated my sixth wedding anniversary – without a baby…or a pregnancy. This is our third break, the other two immediately following my miscarriages. Each time I have found them so refreshing. I have definitely enjoyed these last few months of relative emotional and mental stability!

No more emotional breakdowns on the day I start my period (or the week before to be more accurate!). No wondering whether each symptom I am experiencing is a sign of pregnancy – or just PMS. No obsessing over pinpointing ovulation. I even attended my first baptism in several months. Although there were times of heartache and longing, I was able to deal with those emotions in a healthier way.

Now it is back to the grind. New supplements and medicines, more testing (although that never really ended), scheduling mandatory TTC sessions, and more obsessing all around.

It can be very difficult for a couple to decide that they need to take a TTC break. We often feel that we might miss that one perfect month when everything falls into place. There are also considerations as to whether we have grave reasons to avoid a pregnancy for a time. It is quite a change to have to actually think about avoiding a pregnancy for once! But taking a break can bring a lot of healing.

The pressure is off in your romantic life and you can spend time courting one another again. For a woman, it can be especially beneficial emotionally. It is important for a couple to decide together when enough is enough and it is time to refocus. If TTC is getting to the point of straining your relationship with your husband, family, and friends, or you are feeling that it is too difficult to bear, I encourage you to prayerfully consider whether it is time for a short break. Even if just for a month. This is a time to refocus – on what is most important in life and on how you are dealing with the particular cross of infertility. Over the past few months, I have recognized some of the destructive thoughts I was having when I would see a pregnant woman or young family. I have learned that my way of thinking was not the way God would have me think. I've become more conscious of those harmful thoughts and emotions and worked towards redirecting them. I know that I still have a long way to go, but at least, I have made a start!

"Thus says the Lord, your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I, the Lord, your God, teach you what is for your good, and lead you on the way you should go." Isaiah 48:17

"The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack. In green pastures you let me graze; to safe waters you lead me; you restore my strength." Psalm 23:2-3a

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not." Proverbs 3:5

Reflection Questions

How am I dealing with the cross of infertility? Is it negatively affecting my relationship with God, my spouse, or others?
Do I need to change my attitude or correct destructive thoughts?
What would be a serious reason for us to take a break from TTC?
When taking a break, how could I use my time wisely to heal myself physically and emotionally? What relationships may need healing?

Litany of the Way: Prayer for the Journey

As Jesus sought the quiet of the desert, teach us to pray.

As Jesus washed the feet of His disciples, teach us to love.

As Jesus promised paradise to the thief on the cross, teach us hope.

As Jesus called Peter to walk to Him across the water, teach us to believe.

As the child Jesus sat among the elders in the temple, teach us to seek answers.

As Jesus in the garden opened his mind and heart to God's will, teach us to listen.

As Jesus reflected on the Law and the prophets, teach us to learn.

As Jesus used parables to reveal the mysteries of the Kingdom, teach us to teach.

The Dentist's Office

2009-03-09T23:18:00.009-04:00

One question has changed my relationship with my dental hygienist forever. It seemed like such an innocent question. At my check up a couple years ago, she asked if I was taking any medications. I answered truthfully that I was taking Prometrium (a progesterone supplement). Instead of respecting the patient’s right to medical privacy, she began to ask questions.

What is that? Oh, why are you taking it?

Out came the story. Yes, we are TTC. A test showed I have low progesterone levels which are needed to support a pregnancy. My dental appointments have now become more like a visit to the hair salon, spending a little girl-time gossiping about what is going on in my personal life. Of course, I never say too much since my mouth is pried open most of the time!

I like my hygienist a lot, but this is not a relationship I had anticipated having with her. To make matters worse, the dentist’s office doesn’t have any doors and the walls only reach about ¾ of the way to the ceiling. So, I can hear anything that the people in the room next door to me say (sorry to hear about that cracked tooth, sir) and they can hear me. My self-conscious tendencies get the best of me and I imagine that they are just waiting for me to walk out so they can catch a glimpse of this mystery women.

On my last visit, it was time for my annual x-rays. A woman I had never seen before came to the waiting room and asked if I wanted to have x-rays taken during the visit. When I responded yes, she said, “Okay, Liz (my hygienist) told me that you were trying to have a baby, so she wanted me to check to see if you wanted x-rays or not.” Luckily the waiting room was pretty much empty at the time. I could only respond as cheerfully as possible, “no such luck in that department right now.”

My six month check-ups are now reminders of our lack of success in baby-making. I sure never thought there would be a connection between the bedroom and the dentist’s office! Does God have a plan for this unanticipated relationship that I am in? Perhaps the office staff or the person in the next room is a middle-aged man with no interest for such topics. A young woman who isn’t even thinking about marriage right now, much less children. Or maybe it is a woman (or husband) that finds a bit of comfort knowing that they are not the only people struggling to have a child. Sometimes our lives are touched by people who don’t even know it.

“For we all fall short in many respects. If anyone does not fall short in speech, he is a perfect man, able to bridle his whole body also.” – James 3:2
“Set a guard, LORD, before my mouth, a gatekeeper at my lips” – Psalm 141:3
“Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, as indeed you do”. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Reflection Questions
1. Has anyone touched your life without knowing it? Perhaps a stranger you have observed, or a person you hear about from a friend or a news story?
2. Are there any boundaries that I need to set when speaking about my personal life with others?

Lord, give me right judgment in revealing myself to others; comfort and humor in times of embarrassment, and openness to the leadings of the Holy Spirit in my conversations. Thank you for those who have touched my life – especially for those who will never know the comfort they offered me.

Premio Dardos Award

2009-03-09T22:22:00.009-04:00

Premio Dardos Award - Thanks, "Mommy Monsters!"

Heidi Saxton Milan at "Mommy Monsters" bestowed upon me on Friday the Premio Dardos Award. Thanks so much Heidi - my first award! Premio Dardos means ‘prize darts’ in Italian and it is given for recognition of cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing.

The rules are:
1) Accept the award by posting it on your blog along with the name of the person who has granted the award and a link to his/her blog.
2) Pass the award to another 15 blogs that are worthy of this acknowledgement, remembering to contact each of them to let them know they have been selected for this award.

Okay, so I am new to blogging and don't keep up with 15 different blogs (unless you want to read all of my friend's family blogs). At any rate, I'd like to nominate the following:

Sew Infertile (a great combination of hilarity and serious contemplation)
All You Who Hope (another great/inspiring infertility blog)
Momopoly (for those of you who are Moms)

Is Anybody Listening?

2009-03-01T23:43:00.008-05:00

I have heard several discussions among women with IF about how long they should continue asking God for the gift of a child. It seems that we often get tired of praying for the same thing all the time, and sometimes feel that we are bugging God, or pressuring Him. The women often say, “I know that God knows the desires of my heart, so should I really keep praying for this?” Or, “Is God’s silence to my prayers an indication that having a child is not His will for me?”

This week we had a parish mission. On the final night, the priest read Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. “

I could barely wait for his instruction on the passage, knowing how much it relates to our petitions to God for the lifting of our infertility (or the grace to accept it). I wish I had brought some paper with me to write down all of his great insights.

One thing he said is that we shouldn’t see our unanswered prayers as a waste. He then told the story of his father who was basically agnostic. For forty years, the priest prayed for his father to have a conversion. Finally, during a medical crisis, his father finally said he wanted to become Catholic and was baptized. Then today at mass our pastor talked about his recent trip to visit his brother. The brother had fallen away from the faith for almost forty years. He is now returning to the church and his wife and her daughter who are part of a non-denominational church are also considering the Catholic faith. Forty years of persistent prayer! How they must have felt like giving up hope at times, or that their prayers were not heard. With two priests talking about this in the same week, I think God was trying to teach me a lesson about how He answers our prayers. Today our priest spoke about God working with us patiently through our struggles – in small ways, things change. He spoke of how God’s time is not our time. How forty years to God is but the blink of an eye. If they could persevere in prayer for forty years, why am I so impatient when my prayers have not been answered in a few short years? Perhaps God is working in me in small ways, to form me to be the mother He would have me become. Little by little, I have learned of the medical causes of my infertility and miscarriages. These things cannot happen overnight; we must be patient with God.

Our mission priest also spoke of the prayer of petition being an exercise in the virtue of hope. Hope seems to be a recurrent theme this year, with the Pope releasing Spe Salvi and the theme of the papal visit being “Christ our Hope.” I have not read all of Spe Salvi, but one line I read has stuck out in my mind. It seems to stick out in a lot of people’s minds – I see it used often in articles, during sermons, or as people’s email taglines. “The person who has hope lives differently.” I have hope that God will lift the suffering of infertility from me. Knowing that, I need to examine how I should live my life in accordance with that hope. (Maybe I should start by reading that ecyclical!)

“May He grant you your heart’s desire, and fulfill all your plans…May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!” – Psalm 20: 4; 5b
“Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
“The fervent prayer of a righteous person is very powerful.” – James 5:16b

Reflection Questions
1. Do I become impatient when my prayers seem to go unanswered? How long am I willing to persist in prayer for a petition that is close to my heart?
2. In what ways have I grown during this time of infertility? Have things been revealed to me that I would not have learned otherwise?
3. Do I have hope that God will give me the grace to accept His will in my situation?
4. How will I live differently because of the gift of hope I have received?

Act of Hope and Confidence after Holy Communion
My soul, confide in Jesus. He can do thee every good. He is God and He loves thee. In the Blessed Eucharist He is sweet and mild and generous. Urged by love, He comes to manifest His love to thee. Yes, my dear Jesus, Thou art my hope and my salvation. Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place my trust in Thee. I trust, O Lord, that Thou wilt enkindle in my heart the flame of Thy pure love, and a real desire to please Thee; so that, from this day forward, I may never will anything but what Thou willest. Amen.

Taboo

2009-02-24T23:48:00.013-05:00

I don’t really think of myself as much of a game person, but I love the game Taboo! My normally introverted self can barely wait for my turn to be the “speaker” in the game, trying to get my teammates to guess the word on my card. When my husband and I are on a team together, we are nearly unstoppable because we can easily pull from our life together to elicit certain words or phrases that would seem to have no connection to the word that is to be guessed.

After an experience we had with a friend recently, we found ourselves in conversation about a different kind of Taboo. Although our culture has come a long way over the years (both good and bad), the topics of infertility and miscarriage are still taboo to many people. It can be hard to navigate our relationships to determine which people should be let in on our true desires for parenthood and the wild ride of fertility testing.

We were recently at an event where two of our good friends were present. We were happily conversing in a small group when suddenly Katie got a serious look on her face and asked if she could talk to us for a minute. As we walked to a quiet corner of the room, we were both wondering what in the world this was about. “Please don’t be mad at me,” she started out. Then she explained that she and her husband pray for us each night during family prayer time. Her husband’s parents are often present and have heard their prayers for us. One day, Katie’s mother-in-law asked if they were praying for us because we were trying to have a baby. She admitted the truth and her mil asked if she could enroll us in the St. Gerard Society. Katie apologized for having revealed this part of our lives to her in-laws (who we do know through various family events over the years). We quickly reassured her that we were not mad, but happy about this news. It means we have another couple who is praying for us and we have had a devotion to St. Gerard ever since we first started TTC.

It is hard to know how people will respond when we share with them the very personal news of IF. We have been lucky to not have any real horror stories about people’s responses, as I know many couples do. But we do see many different reactions from the people we tell. Some people show a genuine interest and concern, being sure to ask how we are doing, inquiring about our testing/treatment process, and reminding us that they are praying for us. Others have kept quiet, acting as though we never told them a thing. It is likely they are just unsure about what is appropriate to discuss and they want to let us “make the first move” in furthering our conversation.

So, how much do you tell people about your TTC experience and who do you tell? I’ve heard of couples who have gone through years of fertility testing and treatment without telling their own families and others who tell everyone they know. Most of us probably have at least a few fairly good friends that we haven’t let in on our secret, while we have found ourselves telling perfect strangers (who ask offhandedly if we have any children) that we are hoping to start a family soon or that we have a baby in heaven. Keeping up with who knows what can be exhausting!

It takes a lot of faith and trust to talk about these taboo things in life. But it can also provide a lot of benefits to us and others. Perhaps we can share the burden with someone who is also struggling or learn from those who have had similar experiences. The graces we receive from the prayers of others help us more than we may ever realize.

“The trustworthy man will be richly blessed.” -Proverbs 28:20a
“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." -Romans 12:15
“Bear one another's burdens, and so you will fulfill the law of
Christ.” -Galatians 6:2

Reflection Questions:
1. Have I come to a consensus with my husband about what is permissible to speak about with others and who should /should not be informed about this personal part of our life?
2. Do I inform my husband when I tell someone new about our struggles with infertility?
3. What have I learned (positive and negative) from sharing my IF journey with others?
4. Have I received any support or prayers from others that have helped me along this journey? Have I expressed my thanks for those gifts?

Lord, give me right judgment when I speak with other about my struggles. Help me to respect my husband’s wishes when discussing personal matters. Give me a heart of patience and humility when others respond in ways I do not understand. Most of all, help me to be a good friend to others who are burdened, not expecting more from them than I am willing to give.

Why Not Me?

2009-02-15T22:50:00.010-05:00

Although I try not to dwell on it, it is difficult for me not to ask God, "Why not me?" You know how it is – you hear about an abusive parent, a woman who has had an abortion, or a teen mother. You begin to wonder why God would allow a baby to be conceived in those situations while withholding the blessing of a pregnancy from a couple who is ready and willing to welcome a child into the world. It seems these days everyone is having a baby – even Shrek had twins! I remember almost being in tears at the gym as I saw an interview with the pregnant "man" and his wife. Why would God allow someone who had rejected her own femininity to be able to conceive and bear a child?

I wish I could say the "Why Not Me's" stop with distant strangers in whacky situations. But I find myself asking that question in response to even my closest friend's blessings – pregnancy announcements, baptisms, get togethers with friends. It can come out of nowhere at times when I thought I was at peace. I think we need to work on putting the situation into perspective. Life is not about who has what. If we constantly compare ourselves to one another, we will never be happy. Someone will always have what we want (and perhaps someone else may envy what we ourselves have). In St. Augustine's Confessions, he says, "…for you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."

"Why not me?" seems like such as simple question, but what is beneath it? Lack of trust? Lack of faith? Doubt in God's plan? Self-centeredness? Jealousy? A desire for control? Perhaps I need to take a step back and rest these things in the Lord. It will take continual conversion of heart (and mind), but with the help of the Holy Spirit, I will receive the grace I need.

Am I willing to trust in God's plan for my life and my fertility? Can I rest these desires and questions in Him?

Reflection Questions

What is beneath my questions of "Why Not Me?"
Do I question God's plan for my life?
What do I need to lay before the Lord in confession?
What virtues can I build up to overcome these weaknesses?

"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder" – James 3:16

"Then I declared my sin to you; my guilt I did not hide. I said, 'I confess my faults to the LORD,' and you took away the guilt of my sin." – Psalm 32:5

"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light." – Matthew 11:28-30

Prayers of St. Augustine
Watch Thou, O Lord, with those who wake, or watch, or weep tonight, and give Thine angels charge over those who sleep.
Tend Thy sick ones, O Lord Christ.
Rest Thy weary ones.
Bless Thy dying ones.
Soothe Thy suffering ones.
Pity Thine afflicted ones.
Shield Thy joyous ones.
And all for Thy love's sake. Amen

Breathe in me, O Holy Spirit, that my thoughts may all be holy. Act in me, O Holy Spirit, that my work, too, may be holy. Draw my heart, O Holy Spirit, that I love but what is holy. Strengthen me, O Holy Spirit, to defend all that is holy. Guard me, then, O Holy Spirit, that I always may be holy. Amen.

This Should Be Easy

2009-02-08T23:03:00.008-05:00

One Christmas afternoon, I went for a walk with two of my sisters-in-law at a nearby park. Both had experienced difficulties in trying to have a baby. One was eventually successful and the other has yet to conceive even several years later. My husband and I were not trying at the time, but had started daydreaming and planning the perfect timing to get pregnant. My sisters-in-law were discussing the difficulties of TTC, finding doctors who have your best interest in mind, and dealing with the emotional difficulties they faced. One thing that my sister-in-law said stuck with me – "It [infertility] is so hard because no one expects that they will have problems." This came from a woman who would go months without a period! Little did I know that I would learn the same lesson from first-hand experience.

When we first started planning to TTC, I expected things to be easy. I had always had regular cycles, and because we were using natural family planning, I knew when I was ovulating. Since NFP is immediately reversible, we could go from trying to avoid to trying to achieve conception at any time – instead of waiting months to rid hormones and chemicals from my system as do most women who are on birth control. I felt like I'd been hit by a load of bricks when I had my first (second, third…) negative pregnancy test. I remember feeling depressed and disillusioned those first few months as I came to the realization that things would not be so easy after all. Could it be that we would actually have problems trying to get pregnant? I was not one of those women who took it all in stride, not worrying about infertility until after a year or more of TTC. No, I knew from various websites exactly what percentages of couples are able to get pregnant in one cycle, two, three, six…

I had to change my way of thinking and envisioning my future. I wouldn't be one of those women who can plan a pregnancy, I would have to learn to let go of control in planning my life and trust in God's perfect timing. I have experienced different levels of trust over the past several years; at times resigning myself to the will of the Lord, other times desiring to take matters back into my own hands. How lucky we of faith are to have someone to trust and to ask to direct our paths. I imagine the pain of infertility would be even more difficult without having a relationship with an all-loving God.

It is often hard for us to step back from the various situations we are facing (especially distressing situations) to see that along with the struggles, we are receiving many blessings and opportunities for grace. I know that I personally need to take a step back to consider how I have grown and to be thankful for the opportunities I have had during this time of waiting. Here are a few immediate thoughts:

I am thankful for having a loving and supportive husband. We have only grown closer as a couple through the shared joys and sufferings of the past several years.
My husband and I were able to take a trip to Italy in 2007, which would not have been possible if we had a child as planned. The trip was full of blessings and opportunities for healing and hope.
My compassion for the struggles of others has increased, especially those experiencing the crisis of infertility.
I have had the opportunity to pray more dedicatedly for those suffering from infertility and miscarriage, and to unite my sufferings to theirs.
I have learned that although the pain of this cross may sometimes feel heavy, I am able to bear it with the help of my Savior.
"When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path." -Psalm 142:3a

"On the way of wisdom I direct you, I lead you on straightforward paths. When you walk, your step will not be impeded, and should you run, you will not stumble." -Proverbs 4: 11-12

Reflection Questions

How did I react when I realized that I was not in control of this aspect of my life?
Have I learned to place my trust in the Lord? Is there anything that I have not surrendered to Him?
What situations, blessings, or opportunities for personal growth can I be thankful for as a result of this period of waiting?

Prayer of Abandonment to the Father's Will

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

- Charles de Foucauld

Building a Family the American Way

2009-02-03T19:56:00.010-05:00

In a way, we are building our family in the time-tested tradition of many modern American couples. For our first few years of marriage, before we started TTC, I would joke with my husband:
“First you get a plant. If you can keep it alive for a year, you move on to a pet. If you keep that alive for a year, you can try for a baby.”

It seems that we are following in the footsteps of many couples before us.
1. Keeping a plant alive – check! This was actually harder than we had expected. We have been through several different plants and only one has managed to flourish under our care.
2. Adopt a pet – check! After more than 5 years of begging, my persistence finally paid off. My husband broke down and decided that we could adopt a cat as part of my 30th birthday present.
3. Have a baby – not happening! At least not yet. We have been TTC for nearly 3 years with no “take home babies” to show for it. Our first two babies are now in heaven – a source of both hope (yes, we can get pregnant!) and sorrow.

Feeling pretty confident in our abilities, we originally tried to skip directly from Step 1 to Step 3. This is partially because my husband is allergic to cats, we can’t have a dog in our current housing situation, and other pet options (anything that lives in a tank or runs in a wheel all night) just didn’t seem appealing.

Alas, we were meant to go down the same road as many American couples as we try to build our family. The plant, pet, baby thing does have some practicality to it. Our sweet kitty has taught me a lot about my own self-centeredness. Sometimes he is ready to play while I am trying to work on something (sometimes important, sometimes not). Guess who usually gets the short end of the stick – poor Herbie! I am learning that I still have some growing to do before I am ready to be a parent. But what couple is ever “ready?” I think having a baby is always a shock to the system, no matter how long you’ve tried, or how much you’ve desired parenthood.

So, we will keep trying. I know that God has sent us on this journey as a means of personal growth. My challenge is not to be complacent, but to keep pushing myself in areas where I know I need to change (being other-centered vs. self-centered, offering my sufferings to the Lord, developing a closer relationship with God, my spouse, and others, etc.)

As a quick side note, it is now only four months since we adopted our cat and I am sorry to report that the plant is almost completely dead. What was a flourishing plant a couple months ago is now just some dried up stalks and a tiny shoot desperately clinging to life. The future does not look bright for the cat if/when we do bring home a baby. But I think he is heartier than that!

“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the LORD, and I will change your lot…” -Jeremiah 29: 11-14a

Reflection Questions:
1. How have I dealt with the challenges of realizing and accepting that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant according to my own timing?
2. What can I do now to prepare myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to start a family?
3. Are there areas in my life that need improvement or goals that I can achieve during this period of waiting?

Lord, I know you have placed this challenge in my life for a reason. Show me the areas where I need improvement. Guide me in using this time of waiting productively. Most of all, help me to trust in your beautiful plan for my life – a plan for my welfare and not for woe! Amen.

About This Blog

2009-02-02T22:24:00.003-05:00

Me? A Blogger? I never anticipated doing this until just recently. What do I have to offer from my average ordinary life? Went to work, made dinner, cleaned the house, went to the gym, went to church, It is all pretty standard. Then it came to me one day (while I was cleaning the bathroom no less!). My experience of infertility over the past few years has made a deep impact on my life. Although I still feel like I am behind the curve from many ladies at my stage of TTC, I have had a lot of experiences that seem to have stuck with me for one reason or another. My goal for this blog is to make it more than just a commentary about where I am in my TTC journey. I hope to channel my energies into looking more introspectively at my life and my relationship with God.

And here comes my first tangent…When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be a writer. One of my English teachers seemed to think that I had a flair for writing and wanted to encourage it. She set it up so that each week I could go to the library to read the Kindergartners a story that I had written and illustrated (my illustrative skills are still about the same today as they were back in elementary school, which was not very accomplished, even for a 5^th grader). I dreamed of becoming a writer, but this dream came to a swift end once I hit writers block in middle school. I kept trying to write new "books," but they all seemed to have the same plot – a love triangle between a beautiful teenage girl and two handsome teenage boys. I was definitely not writing from personal experience. I have not kept so much as a journal since high school after my mom found (and read) my diary which was laden with secrets I had been keeping from her. But now, at age 30, my desire to write has suddenly returned and I find myself with all sorts of storylines to share.

I am setting this up after the style of a devotional book I am currently working through (the same format most devotionals are in, I am sure). An anecdote about some part of my IF experience, then looking deeper into what can be learned from that experience, offering a few questions to ponder, and perhaps a short prayer to the Lord. "It sounds very Ignatian," said my Theology Ph.D candidate-husband when I told him about my idea. "Yes," I replied in my most studious sounding voice. "What does that mean?" I secretly wondered to myself. So, I am setting off on a journey of the self. I know that I will be learning and growing through this experience. I hope that perhaps it might help someone else out there in cyberspace too!

Before I get started, here is a little background:

My husband and I have been TTC since April 2006. After a lot of blood, sweat, and tears (literally), we have received a diagnosis of endometriosis. I recently had a laparoscopy to remove the endo and clear a partially obstructed tube – waiting on my post-op appointment to find out our new plan of action. Along this journey, we have blessed with two beautiful lives that were lost too soon, Michael and Gabriel.

The title of my blog comes from a quote that touched my heart a couple years ago.

"Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My emotions hide even from myself, spilling out in tears of sadness or anger at the most inopportune times. There have been no days of real clarity, no times when a light has come on to show the way—not even a little. But the mysterious and marvelous mercy of God has convinced me of one thing in all of this—it is dark because I am in that deep, hidden place under God's wing."

Find the full passage, click here.