One of the Guys

I have found myself hanging out in the guy’s crowd at get togethers quite a bit over the past couple years. By now, most of my friends have children and are getting pregnant left and right. When we get together with a group of friends, I often find myself hanging out with the guys. This is to avoid having to listen to all the conversations about pregnancy, babyhood, and parenting. It’s just one more way that I protect my heart. Instead of hearing all the things the girls are chatting about, I end up listening to conversations about sports, politics, high-level theology, and more. Since these topics don’t particularly interest me (well, politics does) I often end up eavesdropping on the women’s conversations anyway. I remember one evening getting together at a friend’s house with a small group. Two of the girls were pregnant and the other two already had kids. They immediately went into the kitchen, hugged, and started talking shop while I ended up hanging out with the guys, pretending to be interested in something that I didn’t really care about. I felt so alone that evening. The crazy thing is, I was pregnant at the time, just too early to make any announcements! It seems that the difficult emotions we feel as a result of IF do not magically disappear with a positive pregnancy test.

In so many of these situations, I just don’t feel like I fit in. I obviously don’t fit in with the men’s crowd and usually can’t contribute much to their conversations. I don’t fit in with all my friends who are mothers. Even though I’ve been blessed with two conceptions, I feel like I can’t join in on conversations about pregnancy-induced food aversions or the exhaustion of early pregnancy even though I have experienced both. We don’t really fit in with any of the couples we know from church, because we are the only ones without children. This is not to say that we don’t have any friends or that people we know treat us like outcasts, just that in certain ways we can’t relate to them.

There are plenty of characters in the bible that can relate to feeling like they don’t fit in. Here are a few:
1. Hannah and all the women of the bible who experienced infertility. They had added social stigmas that are not as strong today.
2. Mary and Joseph when they were pregnant with Jesus. The movie The N.ativity really got me to think in a new way about how they were probably looked upon by other people in their community.
3. Jesus – I think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and how lonely He must have felt when even His friends couldn’t keep watch. How many times I have also quietly prayed that the Lord would let this cup pass from me.

I imagine that none of the saints felt like they quite fit in with the people they interacted with. This is a part of the human experience. We all experience “feeling like an outsider” in various ways throughout life. This is just one experience that I never imagined I would be facing, and that I have had to face for longer than I would prefer. Like Jesus, I need to surrender myself to the Lord’s will, no matter where that may lead.

“For he will carry out what is appointed for me, and many such things may yet be in his mind.” Job 23:14
“Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord…” Psalm 6:3ab
“My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39b

Reflection Questions
1. In what situations have I felt like I just don’t fit in?
2. Do I try to befriend others when they may be in a situation in which they feel like they don’t fit in?
3. What models of faith could I reflect upon when feeling lonely and different from others?

Memorare
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it knownthat anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help or sought thy intercession,was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, We fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins ourMother; to thee do we come, before thee we stand, sinful and sorrowful; O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not our petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer them. Amen.

Baby in the Backseat

Is it weird that my car reminds me of my infertility? I’m not quite sure when this started, but often when I am in the car alone, I begin to daydream about having a baby in the backseat. My guess is that this came about because I pass an elementary school on my way to work each day. They open around the time I go to work, so the area is always bustling on my morning drive. Every morning, I see parents in their minivans full of children, or walking their school-age children to school while pushing their strollers. How often I have longed to be one of those stroller-pushers in the neighborhood!

I’m not quite sure why I have romanticized the car seat thing. I know several parents whose children absolutely hated being in the car and screamed anytime they were near a car seat. So I know in real life, there isn’t always a quiet cooing baby back there…but this is my daydream. It intensified for a short while last summer when I traded my small Corolla for an SUV. There is so much room in my vehicle and it is just little old me inside!

Isn’t it strange the things that remind us of our infertility struggles? Or the things that we dream about doing that most parents see as commonplace or even burdensome? On Monday night I was at spinning class and all of a sudden felt this overwhelming yearning to hold a baby of my very own. The feeling was so intense it took me by surprise (perfectly timed to an intense section of the class). At least I have my cat to baby. After a year of working on him, I can now get him to let me hold him like a baby first thing in the morning and right when I get home from work. Is that sick or what? Poor cat, he is my substitute baby right now! Another couple years of IF and we might end up buying one of those pet strollers and walking him around the neighborhood!

All of this yearning has made me think about God’s yearning for us. God also longs for His children. Each day He wants us to acknowledge Him in the little things. Instead of big showy productions, He longs for a glance from us towards heaven. A simple, honest prayer, an act of love or charity in His name, or offering up our sufferings to Him. How often I go through the day without really communicating with God. Without doing all the little things that add up to a healthy and thriving spiritual life. He longs for me to bring all my joys and sufferings to Him, and what peace and contentment it might bring if I do!

“Cast your care upon the LORD, who will give you support. God will never allow the righteous to stumble.” Psalm 55:23

“In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:6

"What man among you having a hundred sheep and losing one of them would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he does find it, he sets it on his shoulders with great joy and, upon his arrival home, he calls together his friends and neighbors and says to them, 'Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.'” Luke 15:4-6

Reflection Questions
1. Have I turned from God or put others thoughts or tasks before Him?
2. What time am I giving back to God?
3. What are the little things that I can do to build up my relationship with God?

Lord God, please help me to live in appreciation of all that you have provided for me. Calm my racing mind and help me to enjoy your presence in this moment. Through your Holy Spirit, guide me, that I will not turn my face from you, but may always seek you in joy and suffering. I wish to grow closer to you each day of my life. Amen.

Happens Every Month

Every month there is some new story with me. I think I feel something in my body that is distinctly different than previous months. In the 2 week wait, we TTC ladies tend to get really tuned in to every nudge, twitch, ache, or cramp. We notice if our appetite or energy levels change. We notice if our emotions are running high. Last month I thought I was overly emotional and noticed I was getting winded easily. I knew my lack of pre-menstrual spotting was because I was finally supplementing with progesterone again…but I still wondered…

As the wife in the movie Facing the Giants said, "sometimes my mind plays tricks on me." I completely identified with that line in the movie. It is too bad that early pregnancy symptoms are so similar to PMS! It makes it so much easier to get up our hopes. Even though I've been pregnant a couple times and I know that implantation cramps feel different from PMS cramps, I still sometimes trick myself into thinking that maybe these are "the ones." I guess I need to admit that not every symptom I face is cycle related. Maybe I am extra exhausted one month because I'm not keeping up with my exercise, or I'm eating junk, or…I'm just not getting enough sleep!

It can be difficult to get our hopes up only to stare a negative pregnancy test in the face, or see the signs of CD1. I learned once again last month that the fastest way to start a new cycle is to take a pregnancy test. I try to avoid testing at all costs, but I was about to go on travel and needed to know what medicines and supplies to pack.

The emotions on the day you test or at the first signs of a new cycle tend to run the gamut. Disappointment, sadness, bitterness, acceptance – it is a monthly heartache – a reminder of an opportunity missed. I guess God thinks a lot of us ladies, because He sure did give us quite challenge – one that cuts right to the core. But somehow we are given the strength and grace that is needed. We learn that we can handle more than we thought, that even if we are having a bad day, things will turn around. Though no day goes by without that silent suffering, there is much to be thankful for. The Holy Spirit, who we celebrate in this week of Pentecost is our constant helper and companion. The Holy Spirit helps us to pray when we have no words, and to move forward when we feel like holding back. The fruits of the Holy Spirit are some of those gifts that we TTC ladies need most: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Perhaps it is time that I take another look at my relationship with the "hidden person of the Trinity."

"The spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him: a spirit of wisdom and of understanding, a spirit of counsel and of strength, a spirit of knowledge and of fear of the LORD" Isaiah 11:2

"In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God's will." Romans 8:26-27

"We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit that is from God, so that we may understand the things freely given us by God." 1 Corinthians 2:12

"In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." Galatians 5:22-23a

Reflection Questions

1. Does my mind play tricks on me throughout the month?
   
2. How do I deal with the disappointments of not conceiving each month?
   
3. What gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit do I need most at this point in my life?
   

Prayer for the Seven Gifts of the Holy Spirit

O Lord Jesus Christ Who, before ascending into heaven did promise to send the Holy Spirit to finish Your work in the souls of Your Apostles and Disciples, deign to grant the same Holy Spirit to me that He may perfect in my soul, the work of Your grace and Your love. Grant me the Spirit of Wisdom that I may despise the perishable things of this world and aspire only after the things that are eternal, the Spirit of Understanding to enlighten my mind with the light of Your divine truth, the Spirit of Counsel that I may ever choose the surest way of pleasing God and gaining heaven, the Spirit of Fortitude that I may bear my cross with You and that I may overcome with courage all the obstacles that oppose my salvation, the Spirit of Knowledge that I may know God and know myself and grow perfect in the science of the Saints, the Spirit of Piety that I may find the service of God sweet and amiable, and the Spirit of Fear that I may be filled with a loving reverence towards God and may dread in any way to displease Him. Mark me, dear Lord, with the sign of Your true disciples and animate me in all things with Your Spirit. Amen.

Darn Fertile People

When I see a pregnant woman out in public, one thing runs through my mind 9 times out of 10 – "Darn fertile people." This started very early on in my journey. It seems that everyone who is of child-bearing years is walking around with a swollen belly, pushing a strolling, or navigating their kids through crowds. It is easy to think that all these people get pregnant at the drop of a hat and take their fertility for granted. I knew that I needed to change my thinking one morning after mass. My husband and I stayed in the pew to pray – my mind (and eyes) were straying from prayer. In the corner, I saw a woman who was carrying a large bag happily talking to other church members. I imagined that she was carrying a baby bag packed with all sorts of goodies "Darn fertile people," I thought. A few minutes later as she walked past, I realized that it was a Hawaiian flower bag – definitely not anything remotely to do with babies! And she had no children or even a husband in sight. I realized that I was actually looking for reasons to feel sorry for myself.

When I see pregnant women and that "darn fertile people" thought runs through my mind, I try to remind myself that not all of these women have gotten pregnant easily. At least 10% of couples deal with fertility issues and depending on whose numbers you are looking at, between 1 in 5 or 1 in 4 known pregnancies end in miscarriage. I saw so many pregnant women this past weekend while we were out with my parents who were visiting from out of town. Each time I saw a pregnant belly or a woman holding a baby, I felt that familiar tinge of sorrow for what I don't have. This infertility stuff sure requires a lot of grace! But based on the stats, I can assume that at least a few of the women I passed have been through the ringer and don't take their fertility for granted. Many of them have also prayed for the blessing of a child and for the cross of infertility to be lifted from them.

Over the past few weeks, I have started a new prayer after receiving the Eucharist. I have been praying specifically for God to heal me from infertility and miscarriage. I also pray for the other women He has put into my life who are struggling with the same issues (including my new blog friends). Those moments after receiving the Eucharist must be powerful ones, so I want to be straightforward with God – asking for exactly what I desire in my heart. I try to remind myself that if I have the faith of a mustard seed, mountains can be moved.

When I walked into the hospital lobby the day before my laparoscopy, a pregnant woman passed by. The same "Darn fertile people" mantra started running through my mind, when I stopped myself. I remembered that I was having surgery so that one day, hopefully I will be the one walking through the hospital lobby nine months pregnant! I hope that the Holy Spirit will continue to whisper in my ear when I am in those "grass is greener on the other side" situations. I need Him to keep me on the straight and narrow!

"I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be hindered." Job 42:2

"Answer when I call, my saving God. In my troubles, you cleared a way; show me favor; hear my prayer." Psalm 4:2

"He said to them, 'Because of your little faith. Amen I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to the mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'" Matthew 17:20

Reflection Questions

1. Do I allow negative thoughts to cross my mind when I see another couple who has been blessed with the gift of a child?
   
2. Are there ways that I can refocus myself away from negative thoughts and towards something more constructive?
   
3. What specifically do I want to ask of God in my current situation (healing, hope, guidance, direction, acceptance, etc.)?
   

Prayer to St. Rita

(Patroness of sterility, infertility, bodily ills, sickness, sick people, desperate or impossible causes, lost causes, forgotten causes, difficult marriages, parenthood, victims of physical spouse abuse, widows)

Dear Rita, model wife and widow, you yourself suffered in a long illness showing patience out of love for God. Teach us to pray as you did. Many invoke you for help, full of confidence in your intercession. Deign to come now to our aid for the relief and cure of (name). To God all things are possible; may this healing give glory to the Lord. Amen.

Hannah: A Model of Hope

A few weeks after our second miscarriage, my husband and I were asked to speak at our church's women's retreat. Our topic: Hope. "Who are we to speak about hope," I thought. The hope that we felt at the first sign of a positive pregnancy test had been shattered just a week or two earlier. I felt that God was calling me to use my experiences of IF in our talk, but wondered how I might be able to relay my experiences without getting into specifics with a group filled with friends and strangers, from young adults to grandmothers. I also wanted to be able to make it through the talk without breaking down in tears! That was when I remembered the story of Hannah in 1st Samuel. Hannah's story has been a source of hope for many women facing IF. It is perhaps the most detailed accounting of a barren woman in the bible. We decided to speak about two women of hope: Hannah and Mary. I spoke about Hannah while my husband spoke about Mary. Here is a modified version of my sections of the talk.

Read 1 Samuel 1-2:11 and 2:18-21

What can we learn about hope from Hannah's story?

First, Hannah knew suffering but did not despair. Women and men of faith are not without problems in this life – Hannah bore the cross of infertility. In the time of Hannah:

• Infertility was looked on as a curse from God
• Infertility was always deemed to be the woman's fault
• Sons were valued to continue the family line and to provide for mothers as they grew older – after her husband's death, Hannah may have been left in poverty
  

I am sure glad we don't live in Hannah's time! Many of these problems are the result of the society at the time, but infertility causes deeper sufferings that cut across the generations. Women facing infertility often experience a crisis of identity. They see the world through a different lens and it affects their relationships with their spouse, parents, friends, and God. Infertility can lead to questions about one's womanhood, vocation in life, future, etc. Women experiencing this barrenness of womb often feel anger, grief, longing, isolation, questions, struggles, and sorrow. Hannah's heart was nearly crushed beneath the weight of her grief.

Secondly, Hannah offered her suffering to the Lord. We know that Hannah maintained hope because she persisted in prayer. Those who have despaired stop praying, but those who hope continue to persist. Hannah remained faithful to the Lord – she kept visiting the Temple each year– she went after God. We sometimes feel that God knows the desires of our heart and that we should stop repeating the same petition, but the bible teaches the value of persistence in prayer. Hannah's prayer in the Temple this day was different – we know that as she prayed, she cried. When was the last time that you felt so strongly about an intention that you wept in prayer? That is truly reserved for our most heartfelt and desperate intentions. After offering her petitions to the Lord this day, Hannah felt changed. "Once I develop this holy virtue of hope within me, I shall know at last what it means to be free of fears and doubts. I shall then possess the peace of God." – Excerpt from My Daily Bread by the Confraternity of the Precious Blood

The third thing we can learn from Hannah's story is surrender to the Lord. First, she surrendered her future to the Lord through prayer. Hannah then kept her promise by offering God the gift her heart had so deeply desired. Hannah cherished her child in a unique way because of her difficult road to conception. But she did not hesitate in keeping her promise to the Lord. She offered her son to the Lord's service as soon as he was weaned. The perfection of the virtue of hope is a complete self-surrender to the Lord's wisdom in all matters. (My Daily Bread) Hope is an exercise in trust.

Finally, we learn from Hannah's story that God is generous. We often hear it said that the Lord will not be outdone in generosity and Hannah's story exemplifies this. Hannah gave the gift of her son to the service of the Lord; He then blessed her with three sons and two daughters. Samuel became an instrumental leader of Israel. He was a prophet who chose and anointed David as King. Hannah's experience of infertility drove her to a particular kind of prayer. Perhaps He was withholding His blessing because He held her in high esteem. God needed a child set apart and dedicated to the Lord's service. If Hannah had not experienced such a struggle to conceive, perhaps she would not have been so generous in offering her first born son to the Lord's service. Hannah was formed and changed by the cross of infertility.

Hannah teaches us to give praise to the Lord in all circumstances, even when our future seems uncertain. Hannah's story must have been familiar to Mary. Compare the Magnificat to "Hannah's Song," the words she prayed after bringing Samuel to the Temple.

"She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord, and wept bitterly." 1 Samuel 1:10

"Then the woman went her way and ate, and her countenance was no longer sad." 1 Samuel 1:18b

"And the Lord remembered her; and in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, 'I have asked him of the Lord.'" 1 Samuel 1:19b-20

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord has granted me my petition which I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Reflection Questions

1. How does Hannah's story resonate with your own?
2. In what ways do you see Hannah as a model of Hope?
3. How is the Lord forming and changing you through infertility?
   

Hannah's Song

My heart exults in the Lord; my strength is exalted in the Lord. My mouth derides my enemies, because I rejoice in thy salvation.
There is none holy like the Lord, there is none besides thee; there is no rock like our God.
Talk no more so very proudly, let not arrogance come from your mouth; for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.
The bows of the mighty are broken, but the feeble gird on strength.
Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread, but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger.
The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children is forlorn.
The Lord kills and brings to life; he brings down to Sheol and raises up.
The Lord makes poor and makes rich; he brings low, he also exalts.
He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor.
For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's, and on them he has set the world.
He will guard the feet of his faithful ones; but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness; for not by might shall a man prevail.
The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; against them he will thunder in heaven.
The Lord will judge the ends of the earth; he will give strength to his king, and exalt the power of his anointed.

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Knife through the Heart

Last week at work I was chatting with our new admin assistant. She asked me if I had any children – ugh! I hate to say not yet, especially since I have two babies in heaven, but I don't want to get into it with everyone. A few minutes later another co-worker came up to join the conversation. He works in a different department, so I don't know him very well. The first thing he asks is, do you have any children? Then he quickly follows up with, do you want children? Knife straight through the heart! Although I say that I don't have any children, I note that I have a number of godchildren and nieces/nephews.

"Oh no" he said, "unless you change the diapers, unless you pay the baby sitter, until you get a call from school to pick up a sick child, you don't have children." He went on and on with these scenarios. Obviously I know that being a godmother and an aunt is a big difference from being a parent. I don't try to pretend that I am a mother to these children, but I didn't want to look like a selfish person with no love for children. When he asked my co-worker to back him up, she agreed. It seemed like he was just twisting and twisting the knife! I sat there with a fake smile on my face, wishing I could escape the situation.

To top it all off, he then goes into the whole fake "Don't have children, they are such a burden" thing. He has joked around about this before and I'm sure most people just laugh along with him, but it is so not funny. Why don't people realize that? Why don't people think that perhaps there may be a reason that a couple doesn't have children and that you may actually want to try to be sensitive to that? There is nothing I desire more than what he was describing.

Afterwards, our admin assistant said that she doesn't really agree with what he said about not having children unless they are your own, but how could she not? In the eyes of the world, we are not parents. His comments hurt me even more than I realized. Over the weekend I had one of those Nothing is Ever Easy experiences while trying to get a blood draw and that caused a downward spiral of emotions. Luckily my husband came home just in time to comfort me. He reminded me of Luke 18 where Jesus said, "Let the children come to me." Even though I am not their mother, I have an important role in these children's lives (although I often feel like I am not living up to my end of the bargain). God has withheld the gift of parenthood from us, but he has blessed us abundantly with nieces, nephews, and friends who trust us enough to invite us to be their children's godparents. And in my heart, I know that I am a mother, both to my babies in heaven, and to our future children, however they may come to us.

"What strength have I that I should endure, and what is my limit that I should be patient?" Job 6:11

"Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm for you are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage." Psalm 23:4

"People were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them, and when the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. Jesus, however, called the children to himself and said, "Let the children come to me and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Luke 18:15-16

Reflection Questions
1. How do I handle difficult comments from friends, family, and acquaintances? Do I have someone to confide in and vent to?
2. Do I bring my cares to the Lord? Am I honest in expressing my feelings to Him?
3. In what ways am I already a mother?

I Heard The Voice Of Jesus Say ... (verse 1)
By H. Bonar (1808-1889)

I HEARD the voice of Jesus say,
Come unto Me and rest;
Lay down, thou weary one, lay down
Thy head upon My breast.
I came to Jesus as I was,
Weary, and worn, and sad;
I found in Him a resting-place,
And He has made me glad.