We've all been there – wasting away our days in the waiting room. As I sat stuck in the Denver airport for 6 hours on Monday due to a cancelled flight, I began thinking about waiting rooms. I think my worst waiting room experience was when I went to get a blood draw on New Year's Eve. I learned that this is the absolute WORST day of the year to get a blood draw. Everyone crowded the room the entire day trying to get their blood work done before their insurance deductibles reset the following morning. I was in the middle of my month-long hormone panel and had brought my biggest lab order that day. Unfortunately, my doctor hadn't coded all of the tests and only wrote out the test names. While the lab staff was supposed to be closed for lunch, they were on the phone with my doctor's office trying to get the codes for the numerous tests that I was to have. At the end of their one-hour lunch break, the patients were literally banging down the doors to get in! I felt bad for the lab staff who have now become my "LabCorps friends." After seeing me every other day for a few weeks, we started to build a good rapport – but not on that day!
I often feel like I am in the waiting room of my life. Sometimes it feels like life will start when we have a family. I didn't used to feel that way, but over the past few years, I know that I have been holding back. Before each vacation, trip, or choice in life, I have to consider if I will be able to do this or that if I get pregnant. At times I've considered changing jobs, but I pass it off thinking I might get pregnant soon because I just started XYZ new treatment. I would feel bad if I started a new job and then left for maternity leave (or forever!). Should I sign up for boot camp at the gym? No, I might get pregnant and not be able to participate. The list goes on and on…
I don't want to hold back in life. I want to enjoy this precious moment in time when my husband and I are able to grow together as a couple and enjoy the gifts that God has blessed us with. I don't want to look back in a few years and realize that I wasted away my time because I was too preoccupied with getting to the next step in life. It is a delicate balance between accepting the present moment with gratefulness and praying and pursuing options that I hope will change my life indefinitely.
One of my favorite bands right now is Casting Crowns. This post started making me think of the song Somewhere in the Middle by Mark Hall. This song sums up where I am in life right now. Here is an excerpt, but you can find the full lyrics here (#7). (Emphasis added)
"Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me"
"Are the consolations of God not enough for you?" Job 15:11a
"Wait for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14
"Yet the Lord is waiting to show you favor, and He rises to pity you; For the Lord is a God of justice: blessed are all who wait for Him!"
Reflection Questions
- How might I use my time in the waiting room more productively?
- In what ways have I held back in life?
- Do I try to enjoy the present moment without seeking more?
Lord, please grant me peace and patience during this waiting period of my life. Help me to recognize the joy of the present moment and express my thanks to you. Guide me in recognizing when I am holding back in ways that I shouldn't. I trust in you!
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I can TOTALLY relate to this post! (As probably most IF women can.) I have experienced everything you mentioned in terms of waiting. It is especially painful to me when big events (holidays, weddings, anniversaries, summer trips, etc) come and go without a pregnancy. Events that I was looking ahead to (and thinking about being pregnant) are now distant memories in the past. How does the time go by so quickly? Thankfully I have stopped asking myself, "What if I'm pregnant by then???" It's just not practical and it becomes too painful. While it's difficult, I am always striving to live in the present!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouraging words. I love Casting Crowns as well! One of my favorites is "Praise You in the Storm."
I'm saying a prayer for you right now! :)
Yeah, I totally relate to the feelings. Quite often I find my heart longing for a child yet simultaneously worrying about the extra time needed to care for a little one (thus taking time away from my husband). That fear aside, I feel as if we are sitting in this perpetual waiting room, waiting for God to walk through the door with an adoption referral or a positive pregnancy test.
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