Thursday, June 11, 2009

Baby in the Backseat

Is it weird that my car reminds me of my infertility? I’m not quite sure when this started, but often when I am in the car alone, I begin to daydream about having a baby in the backseat. My guess is that this came about because I pass an elementary school on my way to work each day. They open around the time I go to work, so the area is always bustling on my morning drive. Every morning, I see parents in their minivans full of children, or walking their school-age children to school while pushing their strollers. How often I have longed to be one of those stroller-pushers in the neighborhood!

I’m not quite sure why I have romanticized the car seat thing. I know several parents whose children absolutely hated being in the car and screamed anytime they were near a car seat. So I know in real life, there isn’t always a quiet cooing baby back there…but this is my daydream. It intensified for a short while last summer when I traded my small Corolla for an SUV. There is so much room in my vehicle and it is just little old me inside!

Isn’t it strange the things that remind us of our infertility struggles? Or the things that we dream about doing that most parents see as commonplace or even burdensome? On Monday night I was at spinning class and all of a sudden felt this overwhelming yearning to hold a baby of my very own. The feeling was so intense it took me by surprise (perfectly timed to an intense section of the class). At least I have my cat to baby. After a year of working on him, I can now get him to let me hold him like a baby first thing in the morning and right when I get home from work. Is that sick or what? Poor cat, he is my substitute baby right now! Another couple years of IF and we might end up buying one of those pet strollers and walking him around the neighborhood!

All of this yearning has made me think about God’s yearning for us. God also longs for His children. Each day He wants us to acknowledge Him in the little things. Instead of big showy productions, He longs for a glance from us towards heaven. A simple, honest prayer, an act of love or charity in His name, or offering up our sufferings to Him. How often I go through the day without really communicating with God. Without doing all the little things that add up to a healthy and thriving spiritual life. He longs for me to bring all my joys and sufferings to Him, and what peace and contentment it might bring if I do!
“Cast your care upon the LORD, who will give you support. God will never allow the righteous to stumble.” Psalm 55:23
“In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:6
"What man among you having a hundred sheep and losing one of them would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he does find it, he sets it on his shoulders with great joy and, upon his arrival home, he calls together his friends and neighbors and says to them, 'Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.'” Luke 15:4-6
Reflection Questions
1. Have I turned from God or put others thoughts or tasks before Him?
2. What time am I giving back to God?
3. What are the little things that I can do to build up my relationship with God?

Lord God, please help me to live in appreciation of all that you have provided for me. Calm my racing mind and help me to enjoy your presence in this moment. Through your Holy Spirit, guide me, that I will not turn my face from you, but may always seek you in joy and suffering. I wish to grow closer to you each day of my life. Amen.


  1. I find that through intensive exercise I can work through my true feelings, and it feels good. IF sadness can strike at any time for me, too. Great post!

  2. GREAT post! I love how your turned your reflection about yearning for children to God's yearning for us. So true. And yet often I am so caught up in my own situation and struggles that I don't remember God is yearning for us. Thank you for the reminder!

    I will keep you posted on the support group information. Will you send me your email address? You can write me at Thanks!