Darn Fertile People

When I see a pregnant woman out in public, one thing runs through my mind 9 times out of 10 – "Darn fertile people." This started very early on in my journey. It seems that everyone who is of child-bearing years is walking around with a swollen belly, pushing a strolling, or navigating their kids through crowds. It is easy to think that all these people get pregnant at the drop of a hat and take their fertility for granted. I knew that I needed to change my thinking one morning after mass. My husband and I stayed in the pew to pray – my mind (and eyes) were straying from prayer. In the corner, I saw a woman who was carrying a large bag happily talking to other church members. I imagined that she was carrying a baby bag packed with all sorts of goodies "Darn fertile people," I thought. A few minutes later as she walked past, I realized that it was a Hawaiian flower bag – definitely not anything remotely to do with babies! And she had no children or even a husband in sight. I realized that I was actually looking for reasons to feel sorry for myself.

When I see pregnant women and that "darn fertile people" thought runs through my mind, I try to remind myself that not all of these women have gotten pregnant easily. At least 10% of couples deal with fertility issues and depending on whose numbers you are looking at, between 1 in 5 or 1 in 4 known pregnancies end in miscarriage. I saw so many pregnant women this past weekend while we were out with my parents who were visiting from out of town. Each time I saw a pregnant belly or a woman holding a baby, I felt that familiar tinge of sorrow for what I don't have. This infertility stuff sure requires a lot of grace! But based on the stats, I can assume that at least a few of the women I passed have been through the ringer and don't take their fertility for granted. Many of them have also prayed for the blessing of a child and for the cross of infertility to be lifted from them.

Over the past few weeks, I have started a new prayer after receiving the Eucharist. I have been praying specifically for God to heal me from infertility and miscarriage. I also pray for the other women He has put into my life who are struggling with the same issues (including my new blog friends). Those moments after receiving the Eucharist must be powerful ones, so I want to be straightforward with God – asking for exactly what I desire in my heart. I try to remind myself that if I have the faith of a mustard seed, mountains can be moved.

When I walked into the hospital lobby the day before my laparoscopy, a pregnant woman passed by. The same "Darn fertile people" mantra started running through my mind, when I stopped myself. I remembered that I was having surgery so that one day, hopefully I will be the one walking through the hospital lobby nine months pregnant! I hope that the Holy Spirit will continue to whisper in my ear when I am in those "grass is greener on the other side" situations. I need Him to keep me on the straight and narrow!

"I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be hindered." Job 42:2

"Answer when I call, my saving God. In my troubles, you cleared a way; show me favor; hear my prayer." Psalm 4:2

"He said to them, 'Because of your little faith. Amen I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to the mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'" Matthew 17:20

Reflection Questions

1. Do I allow negative thoughts to cross my mind when I see another couple who has been blessed with the gift of a child?
   
2. Are there ways that I can refocus myself away from negative thoughts and towards something more constructive?
   
3. What specifically do I want to ask of God in my current situation (healing, hope, guidance, direction, acceptance, etc.)?
   

Prayer to St. Rita

(Patroness of sterility, infertility, bodily ills, sickness, sick people, desperate or impossible causes, lost causes, forgotten causes, difficult marriages, parenthood, victims of physical spouse abuse, widows)

Dear Rita, model wife and widow, you yourself suffered in a long illness showing patience out of love for God. Teach us to pray as you did. Many invoke you for help, full of confidence in your intercession. Deign to come now to our aid for the relief and cure of (name). To God all things are possible; may this healing give glory to the Lord. Amen.

Hannah: A Model of Hope

A few weeks after our second miscarriage, my husband and I were asked to speak at our church's women's retreat. Our topic: Hope. "Who are we to speak about hope," I thought. The hope that we felt at the first sign of a positive pregnancy test had been shattered just a week or two earlier. I felt that God was calling me to use my experiences of IF in our talk, but wondered how I might be able to relay my experiences without getting into specifics with a group filled with friends and strangers, from young adults to grandmothers. I also wanted to be able to make it through the talk without breaking down in tears! That was when I remembered the story of Hannah in 1st Samuel. Hannah's story has been a source of hope for many women facing IF. It is perhaps the most detailed accounting of a barren woman in the bible. We decided to speak about two women of hope: Hannah and Mary. I spoke about Hannah while my husband spoke about Mary. Here is a modified version of my sections of the talk.

Read 1 Samuel 1-2:11 and 2:18-21

What can we learn about hope from Hannah's story?

First, Hannah knew suffering but did not despair. Women and men of faith are not without problems in this life – Hannah bore the cross of infertility. In the time of Hannah:

• Infertility was looked on as a curse from God
• Infertility was always deemed to be the woman's fault
• Sons were valued to continue the family line and to provide for mothers as they grew older – after her husband's death, Hannah may have been left in poverty
  

I am sure glad we don't live in Hannah's time! Many of these problems are the result of the society at the time, but infertility causes deeper sufferings that cut across the generations. Women facing infertility often experience a crisis of identity. They see the world through a different lens and it affects their relationships with their spouse, parents, friends, and God. Infertility can lead to questions about one's womanhood, vocation in life, future, etc. Women experiencing this barrenness of womb often feel anger, grief, longing, isolation, questions, struggles, and sorrow. Hannah's heart was nearly crushed beneath the weight of her grief.

Secondly, Hannah offered her suffering to the Lord. We know that Hannah maintained hope because she persisted in prayer. Those who have despaired stop praying, but those who hope continue to persist. Hannah remained faithful to the Lord – she kept visiting the Temple each year– she went after God. We sometimes feel that God knows the desires of our heart and that we should stop repeating the same petition, but the bible teaches the value of persistence in prayer. Hannah's prayer in the Temple this day was different – we know that as she prayed, she cried. When was the last time that you felt so strongly about an intention that you wept in prayer? That is truly reserved for our most heartfelt and desperate intentions. After offering her petitions to the Lord this day, Hannah felt changed. "Once I develop this holy virtue of hope within me, I shall know at last what it means to be free of fears and doubts. I shall then possess the peace of God." – Excerpt from My Daily Bread by the Confraternity of the Precious Blood

The third thing we can learn from Hannah's story is surrender to the Lord. First, she surrendered her future to the Lord through prayer. Hannah then kept her promise by offering God the gift her heart had so deeply desired. Hannah cherished her child in a unique way because of her difficult road to conception. But she did not hesitate in keeping her promise to the Lord. She offered her son to the Lord's service as soon as he was weaned. The perfection of the virtue of hope is a complete self-surrender to the Lord's wisdom in all matters. (My Daily Bread) Hope is an exercise in trust.

Finally, we learn from Hannah's story that God is generous. We often hear it said that the Lord will not be outdone in generosity and Hannah's story exemplifies this. Hannah gave the gift of her son to the service of the Lord; He then blessed her with three sons and two daughters. Samuel became an instrumental leader of Israel. He was a prophet who chose and anointed David as King. Hannah's experience of infertility drove her to a particular kind of prayer. Perhaps He was withholding His blessing because He held her in high esteem. God needed a child set apart and dedicated to the Lord's service. If Hannah had not experienced such a struggle to conceive, perhaps she would not have been so generous in offering her first born son to the Lord's service. Hannah was formed and changed by the cross of infertility.

Hannah teaches us to give praise to the Lord in all circumstances, even when our future seems uncertain. Hannah's story must have been familiar to Mary. Compare the Magnificat to "Hannah's Song," the words she prayed after bringing Samuel to the Temple.

"She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord, and wept bitterly." 1 Samuel 1:10

"Then the woman went her way and ate, and her countenance was no longer sad." 1 Samuel 1:18b

"And the Lord remembered her; and in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, 'I have asked him of the Lord.'" 1 Samuel 1:19b-20

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord has granted me my petition which I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Reflection Questions

1. How does Hannah's story resonate with your own?
2. In what ways do you see Hannah as a model of Hope?
3. How is the Lord forming and changing you through infertility?
   

Hannah's Song

My heart exults in the Lord; my strength is exalted in the Lord. My mouth derides my enemies, because I rejoice in thy salvation.
There is none holy like the Lord, there is none besides thee; there is no rock like our God.
Talk no more so very proudly, let not arrogance come from your mouth; for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.
The bows of the mighty are broken, but the feeble gird on strength.
Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread, but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger.
The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children is forlorn.
The Lord kills and brings to life; he brings down to Sheol and raises up.
The Lord makes poor and makes rich; he brings low, he also exalts.
He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor.
For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's, and on them he has set the world.
He will guard the feet of his faithful ones; but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness; for not by might shall a man prevail.
The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; against them he will thunder in heaven.
The Lord will judge the ends of the earth; he will give strength to his king, and exalt the power of his anointed.

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Knife through the Heart

Last week at work I was chatting with our new admin assistant. She asked me if I had any children – ugh! I hate to say not yet, especially since I have two babies in heaven, but I don't want to get into it with everyone. A few minutes later another co-worker came up to join the conversation. He works in a different department, so I don't know him very well. The first thing he asks is, do you have any children? Then he quickly follows up with, do you want children? Knife straight through the heart! Although I say that I don't have any children, I note that I have a number of godchildren and nieces/nephews.

"Oh no" he said, "unless you change the diapers, unless you pay the baby sitter, until you get a call from school to pick up a sick child, you don't have children." He went on and on with these scenarios. Obviously I know that being a godmother and an aunt is a big difference from being a parent. I don't try to pretend that I am a mother to these children, but I didn't want to look like a selfish person with no love for children. When he asked my co-worker to back him up, she agreed. It seemed like he was just twisting and twisting the knife! I sat there with a fake smile on my face, wishing I could escape the situation.

To top it all off, he then goes into the whole fake "Don't have children, they are such a burden" thing. He has joked around about this before and I'm sure most people just laugh along with him, but it is so not funny. Why don't people realize that? Why don't people think that perhaps there may be a reason that a couple doesn't have children and that you may actually want to try to be sensitive to that? There is nothing I desire more than what he was describing.

Afterwards, our admin assistant said that she doesn't really agree with what he said about not having children unless they are your own, but how could she not? In the eyes of the world, we are not parents. His comments hurt me even more than I realized. Over the weekend I had one of those Nothing is Ever Easy experiences while trying to get a blood draw and that caused a downward spiral of emotions. Luckily my husband came home just in time to comfort me. He reminded me of Luke 18 where Jesus said, "Let the children come to me." Even though I am not their mother, I have an important role in these children's lives (although I often feel like I am not living up to my end of the bargain). God has withheld the gift of parenthood from us, but he has blessed us abundantly with nieces, nephews, and friends who trust us enough to invite us to be their children's godparents. And in my heart, I know that I am a mother, both to my babies in heaven, and to our future children, however they may come to us.

"What strength have I that I should endure, and what is my limit that I should be patient?" Job 6:11

"Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm for you are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage." Psalm 23:4

"People were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them, and when the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. Jesus, however, called the children to himself and said, "Let the children come to me and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Luke 18:15-16

Reflection Questions
1. How do I handle difficult comments from friends, family, and acquaintances? Do I have someone to confide in and vent to?
2. Do I bring my cares to the Lord? Am I honest in expressing my feelings to Him?
3. In what ways am I already a mother?

I Heard The Voice Of Jesus Say ... (verse 1)
By H. Bonar (1808-1889)

I HEARD the voice of Jesus say,
Come unto Me and rest;
Lay down, thou weary one, lay down
Thy head upon My breast.
I came to Jesus as I was,
Weary, and worn, and sad;
I found in Him a resting-place,
And He has made me glad.

The Girl Next Door

About two years ago, I had an office next door to a girl, "R" who has now become a close friend. We had always been friendly but had never gotten too comfortable with each other. Then one day, another co-worker, "K" walked into my office and confided that R was also having a hard time becoming pregnant. I realized that both of us had been talking to K about our IF struggles, but neither of us had talked to each other about them. I guess K decided that this was the day we both needed to find out. It turned out we had both been trying for about the same amount of time.

Within a couple days, R and I were confiding in each other and connecting in new ways. There is a definite bonding that happens quickly between two women faced with the IF experience. We discussed doctors, possible causes, treatment options, diet, etc. I helped lift her up and listen to her on days when she was feeling down and she did the same for me. She moved away from the area temporarily while her husband took a 9-month class in another state. One weekend I received a message that she was in the hospital and would explain more on Monday. Immediately I imagined what was happening and began the prayers. On Monday, I learned that she had an ectopic pregnancy. I finally confided in her that I had a miscarriage, and although they are different situations, I can understand the suffering of losing a child.

Our relationship continued to grow. Last spring we were together at a meeting and were alone for a few minutes. She started to delicately prepare me for the "I'm pregnant" news and I was so excited to tell her that I was pregnant as well. We had gotten pregnant within a week of each other! We were both screaming, hugging and crying. We quickly became pregnancy buddies, spending lots of time quietly talking on the phone (during work time) about our symptoms and plans for the pregnancy, doctors, child care, etc.

Sadly, I miscarried at 12 weeks, but R was able to carry to term and now has a 6-month old boy. I wasn't sure how I would handle watching her pregnancy progress and seeing her little boy. I prayed to God for the grace to get through this time. At 4 or 5 months, she returned to the area and I knew I would be seeing her every day. I was quite anxious about how I would react to seeing her and hearing my co-workers talk to her about the pregnancy. Although it was not easy, God gave me the grace to get through it without feeling sorry for myself (at least that's what I say now). I was even able to go to two baby showers for her (one personal, one at work) which I normally avoid like the plague. When I see her little boy, I can't believe that I could have had a 6 month old (and a 2-year old) if my pregnancies had carried to term.

I'm so thankful that God provided me with this friendship at a time when I needed it most. It is amazing to me that the girl in the office next door, was going through the same struggles as me for so long and neither of us even knew! Please pray for my dear friend. She was diagnosed with a likely case of thyroid cancer last week (doctors are still not totally sure, but it looks like it). She'll have surgery on Monday and will have radiation therapy as well if it is indeed cancer. Thanks in advance for any prayers you can spare!

"We accept good things from God; and should we not accept evil?" Job 2:10b

"Two are better than one: they get a good wage for their labor. If the one falls, the other will lift up his companion. Woe to the solitary man! For if he should fall, he has no one to lift him up." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

 

Reflection Questions

1. How has God surprised you during your IF journey?
   
2. What friends have you met along the way that have helped you through struggles?
   
3. Has God given you the grace to get through difficult situations?
   
4. How do you handle situations that you do not feel you have the grace, strength, or courage to face?
   

Prayer of Thanks for Friends

I want to thank you, Gracious Lord, for the good friends you give me; they are for me a priceless bounty.
Thanks to them, friendship is neither an abstraction, nor a distant, almost impossible, dream.
I owe to your providence, Lord, the possibility of counting on the constant help of friends.
Between me and them you have formed a solid bridge,
which can withstand all threats of destruction.
The happiness with which you have blessed us enables us to enrich one another.
Lord, you alone know the reasons that drew us closer together.
I promise to do everything in my power to deserve this precious gift that you have reserved for me.
I ask you, Gracious Lord, to keep them safe in your hands, for they are yours above all.
Amen.

PS – My friends from college are adopting their second infant in a span of just over 12 months! I can't believe what luck they have had. If/when we go the adoption route, I will definitely be on the phone with her to find out what the heck she put in her family profile! Here is her adoption story for #1 – scroll beneath the photos for the adoption timeline. First adoption only took 38 days – what!?!

Nothing is Ever Easy

Sometimes it seems that it is so hard to get anything done regarding IF. Some of the simplest tasks become drawn-out, frustrating events. That is how things have been going for me recently. At my last Dr's appointment, we were reviewing my surgery results, hormone panel, and miscarriage panel testing. The doctor spent a good deal of time with us reviewing my results and outlining a course of treatment. He quickly ended our meeting because he was behind schedule. Before leaving the office I realized that he had not mentioned anything regarding progesterone supplementation even though my hormone profile showed that it was very low post-peak. I decided to wait and either send the doctor an email or call the nurse about it. It took a couple weeks for the doctor to set me up with a protected email account where we could send messages back and forth. He sent me my instructions for the new treatments and then asked if we discussed progesterone supplementation. Great, I thought, he noticed that missing piece as well. I responded to the message right away and never heard a response. Called the doctor's office a couple times and never heard a response. Finally, about two weeks later, and cutting into my post-peak phase, the nurse called and said the doctor never got my email message. Ugh! By then I was close to P+7 and my monthly blood draw and cycle review. I sent him and the nurse a second message immediately. They decided to wait to see the blood work and monthly chart.

Finally, around the start of my new cycle I got a response that the doctor wants to supplement my progesterone. But of course, nothing is ever easy. He wants me to use a compounding pharmacy. I found one that is about 20-25 minutes away and called the number into the nurse last Monday. She called that day to order my prescription. In the back of my mind I thought maybe I should call the pharmacy to make sure they got the order and were filling it. But of course I didn't. On Thursday I had an appointment that was fairly close to the pharmacy. I decided to kill two birds with one stone since the pharmacy is really out of my way otherwise. I got to the pharmacy counter and of course they had trouble finding the prescription. The assistant asks if it is possible that it is new order. "Yes," I said and she found the order immediately. The problem was, they hadn't filled it. And since they had to compound it, it would be a few hours before they finished the order. "Usually people call first," they explained. Is it crazy of me to assume that a pharmacy is going to fill my prescription when it is called in by my doctor? I gave them four days before stopping by to pick it up!

Since it is a small pharmacy, it has very inconvenient hours that just aren't working with my schedule. We had plans with friends in the area on Saturday, but got done about 15 minutes too late to get to the pharmacy before their 3 pm close time. They are closed on Sundays (good for them) and now I am going out of town until Thursday evening. It seems that I should be able to pick it up next Saturday, but that is cutting it really close to when I will need it. This one little item that should have taken 1-2 days to take care of has turned into a month and a half project!

Trying to coordinate my cycle review was a second (albeit shorter-lived) fiasco that I won't get into. Why do simple things have to be so hard? As if it isn't frustrating enough that conception doesn't work as smoothly as it should, adding the frustrations of working with doctors offices, labs, pharmacies, insurance, hospitals, and others just seems to add insult to injury.

I know this is all a great lesson in perseverance. Romans 5:3-5 says: "… but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us." These verses seem to reflect the IF journey and so many of the faithful Catholic women I have met along this path. We persevere and endure through this affliction, through daily sufferings and inconveniences. We stand counter to the pressures of this world with regards to illicit IF treatment showing a formed and proven character. And of course we are reflections of hope. If we had no hope, how could we continue on this journey? I know that God must rejoice in the faith, hope, and love of the faithful infertile woman. May we continue to lovingly persevere along this journey, growing in virtue every step of the way.

"We urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, cheer the fainthearted, support the weak, be patient with all." 1 Thessalonians 5:14

"Indeed we call blessed those who have persevered." James 5:11a

"In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1Peter 1:6-7

Reflection Questions

1. How do I deal with setbacks and frustrations along this path?
   
2. What virtues have I developed through perseverance?
   
3. Reflect on Romans 5:3-5. How does this reflect my growth through infertility?
   

Lord, thank you for the gifts of faith, hope, and love. With these virtues, I can faithfully endure along this path. Please help me to persevere through struggles, frustrations, and sufferings. Help me to be patient with others and with myself. Lead and guide me through your Holy Spirit, that I may do your will in all things.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! In honor of this joyous occasion, I am taking a break this week from blogging. I am posting a few selections from the Easter Vigil. We went to the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in DC and enjoyed a beautiful liturgy.

"Come, then, all you races of humankind who sin has saturated and receive the forgiveness of sin.
For it is I who am your forgiveness,
I, the saving Pasch,
I, the Lamb sacrificed for you,
I, your purification, I, your life,
I, your resurrection, I, your light,
I, your salvation, I, your King!
It is I who bring you to the heights of heaven:
It is I who shall raise you up here on earth."
Excerpt from Procession

"This is the night when Christians everywhere, washed clean of sin and freed from all defilement,are restored to grace and grow together in holiness.
This is the night when Jesus Christ broke the chains of death and rose triumphant from the grave.
What good would life have been to us, had Christ not come as our Redeemer?
Father, how wonderful your care for us! How boundless your merciful love!
To ranson a slave you gave away your Son.
O happy fault, O necessary sin of Adam, which gained for us so great a Redeemer!
Most blessed of all nights, chosen by God to see Christ rising from the dead!"
Excerpt from Easter Proclamation

"O Lord, it is you who are my portion and cup;
it is you yourself who are my prize.
I keep the Lord ever in my sight;
since He is at my right hand, I shall stand firm.

And so my heart rejoices, my soul is glad;
even my body shall rest in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead,
nor let your beloved know decay.

You will show me the path of life,
the fullness of joy in your presence,
at your right hand, happiness forever."
Psalm 16:5, 8, 9-10, 11