And here comes my first tangent…When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be a writer. One of my English teachers seemed to think that I had a flair for writing and wanted to encourage it. She set it up so that each week I could go to the library to read the Kindergartners a story that I had written and illustrated (my illustrative skills are still about the same today as they were back in elementary school, which was not very accomplished, even for a 5th grader). I dreamed of becoming a writer, but this dream came to a swift end once I hit writers block in middle school. I kept trying to write new "books," but they all seemed to have the same plot – a love triangle between a beautiful teenage girl and two handsome teenage boys. I was definitely not writing from personal experience. I have not kept so much as a journal since high school after my mom found (and read) my diary which was laden with secrets I had been keeping from her. But now, at age 30, my desire to write has suddenly returned and I find myself with all sorts of storylines to share.
I am setting this up after the style of a devotional book I am currently working through (the same format most devotionals are in, I am sure). An anecdote about some part of my IF experience, then looking deeper into what can be learned from that experience, offering a few questions to ponder, and perhaps a short prayer to the Lord. "It sounds very Ignatian," said my Theology Ph.D candidate-husband when I told him about my idea. "Yes," I replied in my most studious sounding voice. "What does that mean?" I secretly wondered to myself. So, I am setting off on a journey of the self. I know that I will be learning and growing through this experience. I hope that perhaps it might help someone else out there in cyberspace too!
Before I get started, here is a little background:
My husband and I have been TTC since April 2006. After a lot of blood, sweat, and tears (literally), we have received a diagnosis of endometriosis. I recently had a laparoscopy to remove the endo and clear a partially obstructed tube – waiting on my post-op appointment to find out our new plan of action. Along this journey, we have blessed with two beautiful lives that were lost too soon, Michael and Gabriel.
The title of my blog comes from a quote that touched my heart a couple years ago.
"Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My emotions hide even from myself, spilling out in tears of sadness or anger at the most inopportune times. There have been no days of real clarity, no times when a light has come on to show the way—not even a little. But the mysterious and marvelous mercy of God has convinced me of one thing in all of this—it is dark because I am in that deep, hidden place under God's wing."
Find the full passage, click here.