Although I try not to dwell on it, it is difficult for me not to ask God, "Why not me?" You know how it is – you hear about an abusive parent, a woman who has had an abortion, or a teen mother. You begin to wonder why God would allow a baby to be conceived in those situations while withholding the blessing of a pregnancy from a couple who is ready and willing to welcome a child into the world. It seems these days everyone is having a baby – even Shrek had twins! I remember almost being in tears at the gym as I saw an interview with the pregnant "man" and his wife. Why would God allow someone who had rejected her own femininity to be able to conceive and bear a child?
I wish I could say the "Why Not Me's" stop with distant strangers in whacky situations. But I find myself asking that question in response to even my closest friend's blessings – pregnancy announcements, baptisms, get togethers with friends. It can come out of nowhere at times when I thought I was at peace. I think we need to work on putting the situation into perspective. Life is not about who has what. If we constantly compare ourselves to one another, we will never be happy. Someone will always have what we want (and perhaps someone else may envy what we ourselves have). In St. Augustine's Confessions, he says, "…for you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."
"Why not me?" seems like such as simple question, but what is beneath it? Lack of trust? Lack of faith? Doubt in God's plan? Self-centeredness? Jealousy? A desire for control? Perhaps I need to take a step back and rest these things in the Lord. It will take continual conversion of heart (and mind), but with the help of the Holy Spirit, I will receive the grace I need.
Am I willing to trust in God's plan for my life and my fertility? Can I rest these desires and questions in Him?
- What is beneath my questions of "Why Not Me?"
- Do I question God's plan for my life?
- What do I need to lay before the Lord in confession?
- What virtues can I build up to overcome these weaknesses?
"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder" – James 3:16
"Then I declared my sin to you; my guilt I did not hide. I said, 'I confess my faults to the LORD,' and you took away the guilt of my sin." – Psalm 32:5
"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light." – Matthew 11:28-30
Prayers of St. Augustine
Watch Thou, O Lord, with those who wake, or watch, or weep tonight, and give Thine angels charge over those who sleep.
Tend Thy sick ones, O Lord Christ.
Rest Thy weary ones.
Bless Thy dying ones.
Soothe Thy suffering ones.
Pity Thine afflicted ones.
Shield Thy joyous ones.
And all for Thy love's sake. Amen
Breathe in me, O Holy Spirit, that my thoughts may all be holy. Act in me, O Holy Spirit, that my work, too, may be holy. Draw my heart, O Holy Spirit, that I love but what is holy. Strengthen me, O Holy Spirit, to defend all that is holy. Guard me, then, O Holy Spirit, that I always may be holy. Amen.