UPDATE: Thanks to everyone for your comments and prayers. I have really felt lifted up by prayer and the past couple days have not been as hard as expected. I was able to schedule my D&C for Friday at 10:45 am, so please say some prayers that all will go well. This is my first and it definitely makes me nervous!
A little less than a month ago, with a mixture of joy and much trepidation, I found myself holding a positive pregnancy test. We were cautiously optimistic that perhaps the third time was the charm. We hoped that the endo that was removed back in January was the cause of my previous miscarriages and that I would now be able to carry to term. My NAPRO doctor has been watching me like a hawk, and though my HCG levels have steadily increased, the ultrasound just doesn’t lie.
For the past three Mondays we have gone in for ultrasounds. The first was right at the 6 week mark. We clearly saw the fetal sac, but nothing more. We tried to hope for the best, since it may have been a bit too early to see the baby, but considered ourselves warned. At seven weeks, we had a second ultrasound that showed the same. A fetal sac with no yolk sac, no baby, no heartbeat. The next morning happened to be our first ob visit with Dr. B at T.epayac. We decided to keep the appointment. While the nurse was taking my vitals, Dr. B opened the door with a big smile on his face to say hi to us before he headed off to see another patient. We let the nurse know about our ultrasound so Dr. B wouldn’t come in dancing for joy as you patients of his can probably imagine him doing. Instead he came into the room with much concern and immediately came over to hug me. He thought we should have one more ultrasound just to be sure, but estimated that there was about a 90% chance that I would miscarry. That afternoon my NAPRO doctor’s office called and said that the fetal sac had not grown in the week between ultrasounds, but they also wanted me to do just one more.
So first thing this morning we headed in for our Monday ritual and unfortunately there was no change. Luckily we had a very compassionate ultrasound tech who had some fertility problems herself. She offered lots of words of consolation and encouragement. At the end she asked to hold my hands explaining that someone had done this for her. She said she was done having babies and wanted to pass her turn along to me (or something like that). Then she closed her eyes and I think she was praying, but who knows!
We decided to name our baby Hope because of the hope that he or she gave us that we will one day carry home a baby of our own.
I am going to try to schedule a D&C for later in the week. I don’t really want a D&C, but even more than I don’t want to go through that procedure, I don’t want to miscarry next week…on vacation…at the beach…with my husband’s entire family (40+ people) around. We lost our first baby while we were visiting his family over Thanksgiving and it was so difficult to go through such a private moment of suffering so “publicly.” So please say some prayers for my husband and I as we grapple with this new loss and try to find healing and hope. Also please pray that I will have a safe and successful D&C.
“Naked I came forth from my mother's womb, and naked shall I go back again. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!” Job 1:21b