I have been working on reading through the bible the last couple years. It has been great to read scripture and learn more about salvation history. After beginning to write this blog, I started reading scripture through a framework of infertility. I am always looking for good quotes (that I can take out of context) to fit my posts. Psalms and Job were especially fruitful and I definitely recommend reading through those books from an infertile perspective. I finished Proverbs the other week and one verse towards the end of the book has really stuck with me.
“Three things are never satisfied, four never say, ‘Enough!’ The nether world, and the barren womb; the earth, that is never saturated with water, and fire, that never says, ‘Enough!’” Proverbs 30:15b-16
I found it so interesting that the writer included the barren womb. How true that statement is! As I go through year after year, doctor after doctor, loss after loss, sometimes I feel that I have hit a wall. This process can be so long and sometimes it can feel that we may never reach our desired goal. But I continue to press on. Even after my darkest days of feeling that I can’t go on, I one day wake up with a refreshed resolve to continue.
Even my family has occasionally told me I should seek adoption after all this time (that is a topic for another post). I know that the situation may seem hopeless to them, or that they are wondering why I would put myself through so much, but to me, there is always something new to pursue. There is always hope. All of the doctor’s appointments, time off work, time spent in waiting rooms and on the phone, medications and their lovely side effects, and emotional burdens have truly added up, especially this past year. When I read on message boards about other women who have had multiple miscarriages, there are so many horror stories of things that have gone wrong. I wonder how many times I can do this to myself without something like that happening to me. I know it must be hard for my family and friends to understand why this barren womb will never say, “Enough!”
I have seen the same characteristic in so many other bloggers who I have been able to keep up with for (almost) a year. Some of you have been on this journey longer than I. Some have never conceived in that time. We all face moments of darkness and the feeling that this is too much, but we all find something that pushes us to continue. I know some are working towards acceptance and moving past formal treatments, but the prayer in your hearts is always, “Thy will be done” and the openness to life still remains.
I truly feel that God is leading me to continue. It seems that even though we’ve come so far, there is still much to explore. That although we’ve aged, there is still more time. We each promised in our wedding vows to accept children lovingly from God, and it seems that the graces received from the sacrament are working actively in our hearts. We still desire to fulfill that vow, and have made (heroic) efforts to achieve that end. Those graces have brought us this far, and I’m sure they will continue to direct our paths until we finally accomplish the work that God is bringing forth in us.
“With full voice I cry to the Lord; with full voice I beseech the Lord. Before God I pour out my complaint, lay bare my distress. My spirit is faint within me, but you know my path.” Psalm 142:2-4
“In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
“In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will.” Romans 8:26-27
1. What causes me to feel burnt out in this journey?
2. What motivates me to keep pushing after hitting a wall?
3. In what direction is God directing my path at this point?