God Provides

I was quite curious as to how much money I spent on fertility testing/treatments this past year. I knew that it was more than we had ever spent before as I had three surgeries, tons of bloodwork, countless ultrasounds and more medications than ever. In all of this, I never knew how much insurance would be covering, and just had to trust. We are very lucky to have an amazing insurance plan. We have truly been blessed by this. Even with seeing three out-of-state doctors and having all surgeries at out-of-state hospitals, everything has been in-network! Being that we get our insurance through a Catholic organization, I am sure that they have a lot of restrictions on what is covered as far as fertility testing and treatment. Hats off to my doctors for always coding my visits and orders in ways that were chargeable under my insurance plan!

So, I spent a thrilling evening in front of my computer with all my insurance statements from the year to do some calculations. This may not be totally complete, but the gist is:

Insurance was billed about $63,000 for this year's events. They handily cut that down to only $17,500, of which I was charged $3,600. Medications kicked our out-of-pocket payments over the $4,000 mark. Overall, not bad at all! Considering that ART procedures could cost several times that amount and that I have REAL answers to my problems and will not have resort to expensive ART "treatments" every time I want a baby, working within the guidelines of the Church really pays off!

I am so thankful that God has provided for us this past year. Without insurance, there is no way we could have afforded this level of testing and treatment. God also provided so that we could afford to make out of town trips, some requiring hotel rooms and flights without breaking our budget. And he even allowed us to have flexible enough work schedules that we could literally take days off of work to make visits to doctors and recover from surgery, sometimes on just days notice!

Looking into our future, we know that at this time next year, we may have a different insurance plan. How expensive that plan will be and how flexible it will be in covering future fertility expenses is a total unknown. So it is amazing to see God's hand at work. I feel that we have covered so many bases and received so many answers over the past few years when we have had affordable and comprehensive insurance. We have been able to check so many things off of our list that we will not have to repeat in the future. How generous God has been with us. He knew what we would need at this time in our lives and He provided. Insurance, flexible work schedules, and access to excellent doctors are definitely not things that I thank God for on a regular basis, but what a gift they have been!

"If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?' All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides." Matthew 6:30-33

"If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him." Matthew 7:11

"Are not five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them has escaped the notice of God. Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:6-7

"My God will fully supply whatever you need, in accord with his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Reflection Questions
1. In what ways has God provided for me on this journey?

2. What doors has He opened that I did not expect?

3. Do I remember to thank God for the mundane things in life – even insurance and doctors?

Prayer of Thanksgiving

Almighty God, Father of all mercies,
we your unworthy servants give you humble thanks for all your goodness and loving-kindness to us and to all whom you have made.
We bless you for our creation, preservation, and all the blessings of this life;
but above all for your immeasurable love in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ; for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory.
And, we pray, give us such an awareness of your mercies, that with truly thankful hearts we may show forth your praise, not only with our lips, but in our lives, by giving up ourselves to your service, and by walking before you in holiness and righteousness all our days;
through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit, be honor and glory throughout all ages. Amen.

Humbled

After mass on New Year's Day, we were blessed to be asked by friends to be godparents for their little boy (to be born a few days later). It is always humbling to be asked to be godparents, especially for people who you aren't related to, but this one was especially humbling. Why? Because I remember how I felt that day when they announced after mass that they were expecting. I remember the look my husband and I exchanged when another set of friends exited the church and we again witnessed to the pregnancy announcement. I remember trying to unsuccessfully tune out all the giddy talk that was exchanged between some of the girls while I tried to focus on a conversation with the guys. I remember not responding to the mass-emailed pregnancy announcement that was sent a couple days later (I had already said my congrats in person, no need to do it again via email, right?).

Were my feelings unwarranted? No, they were true to my situation. Was I wrong to focus inward on what I didn't have instead of on the joy of a birth announcement? Probably. I have a major tendency to be self-focused, especially related to anything having to do with pregnancies or babies. Was I putting up defense mechanisms to protect my aching heart? Definitely.

But God works with us despite our weaknesses. We see it throughout salvation history. God takes sinful and weak men and makes them the great leaders and figures of the bible. God can take us where we are and work through us as long as we allow ourselves to be His instruments. Sometimes He asks us to do things we do not wish to do, but when we take on His challenge, we find that we benefit more than we sacrifice.

How incredible to see God taking my weakness and turning it into something beautiful. This little boy and this family will always be connected to us. In fact, we will have responsibility towards this child – something we never expected that spring day.

"Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are trembling." Psalm 6:3

"Those whose steps are guided by the Lord; whose way God approves, may stumble, but they will never fall, for the Lord holds their hand." Psalms 37:23-24

"Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.' I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me." 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

"For God is the one who, for his good purpose, works in you both to desire and to work." Philippians 2:13

Reflection Questions
1. Have I fallen into focusing on myself instead of the joys and sorrows of those around me?
2. Am I open to God's call, even if it is something I do not want to do?
3. How is God using my weaknesses for good?

Litany of Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From
the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

A New Year's Reflection

Happy New Year! The new year has always been a time of excitement for me. It helps to have a set time where I can think about what I want to accomplish in the year ahead, instead of letting life flash before my eyes. For me, last New Year’s was different. Instead of excitement about the year ahead, I felt…nervous. I had never sat up on New Year’s Eve feeling nervous about what may be in store in the year to come. It perturbed me because I knew that the nervousness was related to my infertility and miscarriages. Infertility had taken over so much of my life that instead of feeling hopeful anticipation about the year ahead, I was worried about what may be in store. I feared another pregnancy loss and how I would cope. I’m sure my laparoscopy that was scheduled for the end of January contributed to the nervousness as well.

But I made it through 2009. It was filled with lots of doctor’s appointments, three surgeries, one pregnancy loss, my sister’s loss of her second baby, a short-lived case of Asherman’s Syndrome, and diagnosis of endometriosis, two blood-clotting disorders, and hormonal issues. I also made it to the magic number of three miscarriages when doctor’s agree extensive testing must be done and they classify you as a recurrent miscarrier. But I found that even with three miscarriages, most doctors still blow off the issue unless they can find something significant in their testing.

When I went to write our Christmas letter this year, I gave up and decided to just write a short, hand-written note in each card. This isn’t exactly the type of news that Christmas letters are made of, and we didn’t do anything too exciting during the year other than some visits with family. Still, 2009 didn’t conquer me and I ended feeling thankful for the gifts that I do have. Some of our friends faced so many challenges this year, and even though last year wasn’t great, I am definitely thankful that I don’t have to bear the crosses that some of our friends have been asked to carry.

Looking into 2010, I am not nervous. I found that even though difficult things happened in 2009, there was still a lot of joy and happiness in our lives. I am blessed with an amazing husband who is perfect for me. We live comfortably, have secure jobs, enjoy close relationships with our families, and have developed some wonderful friendships. Most of all, I know that God is always with me, even when I don’t understand what He is doing with my life or why He is taking so long in answering my prayers. He is generous in the grace that He shares. His love is ever faithful, even when I am not. It is so easy to focus on this life, to think about what I do or do not have, the dreams that were not realized this past year. It is so easy to forget that I am living for the life to come. I will only find true contentment in heaven. I have cause for joy and hope in my Savior. May this year bring all of us closer to the joys of heaven!

“Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.” Matthew 6:34a

“I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us.” Romans 8:18

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:18

Reflection Questions
1. How has the Lord worked in my life over the past year?
2. What non-fertility related goals can I set for myself in 2010?
3. What can I do this year to bring me closer to the goal of reaching heaven?

Opening Prayer from Mass
Father of light, unchanging God, today you reveal to men of faith the resplendent fact of the Word made flesh. Your light is strong, your love is near; draw us beyond the limits which this world imposes, to the life where your Spirit makes all life complete. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

Never Enough

I have been working on reading through the bible the last couple years. It has been great to read scripture and learn more about salvation history. After beginning to write this blog, I started reading scripture through a framework of infertility. I am always looking for good quotes (that I can take out of context) to fit my posts. Psalms and Job were especially fruitful and I definitely recommend reading through those books from an infertile perspective. I finished Proverbs the other week and one verse towards the end of the book has really stuck with me.

“Three things are never satisfied, four never say, ‘Enough!’ The nether world, and the barren womb; the earth, that is never saturated with water, and fire, that never says, ‘Enough!’” Proverbs 30:15b-16

I found it so interesting that the writer included the barren womb. How true that statement is! As I go through year after year, doctor after doctor, loss after loss, sometimes I feel that I have hit a wall. This process can be so long and sometimes it can feel that we may never reach our desired goal. But I continue to press on. Even after my darkest days of feeling that I can’t go on, I one day wake up with a refreshed resolve to continue.

Even my family has occasionally told me I should seek adoption after all this time (that is a topic for another post). I know that the situation may seem hopeless to them, or that they are wondering why I would put myself through so much, but to me, there is always something new to pursue. There is always hope. All of the doctor’s appointments, time off work, time spent in waiting rooms and on the phone, medications and their lovely side effects, and emotional burdens have truly added up, especially this past year. When I read on message boards about other women who have had multiple miscarriages, there are so many horror stories of things that have gone wrong. I wonder how many times I can do this to myself without something like that happening to me. I know it must be hard for my family and friends to understand why this barren womb will never say, “Enough!”

I have seen the same characteristic in so many other bloggers who I have been able to keep up with for (almost) a year. Some of you have been on this journey longer than I. Some have never conceived in that time. We all face moments of darkness and the feeling that this is too much, but we all find something that pushes us to continue. I know some are working towards acceptance and moving past formal treatments, but the prayer in your hearts is always, “Thy will be done” and the openness to life still remains.

I truly feel that God is leading me to continue. It seems that even though we’ve come so far, there is still much to explore. That although we’ve aged, there is still more time. We each promised in our wedding vows to accept children lovingly from God, and it seems that the graces received from the sacrament are working actively in our hearts. We still desire to fulfill that vow, and have made (heroic) efforts to achieve that end. Those graces have brought us this far, and I’m sure they will continue to direct our paths until we finally accomplish the work that God is bringing forth in us.

“With full voice I cry to the Lord; with full voice I beseech the Lord. Before God I pour out my complaint, lay bare my distress. My spirit is faint within me, but you know my path.” Psalm 142:2-4

“In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

“In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will.” Romans 8:26-27

Reflection Questions
1. What causes me to feel burnt out in this journey?
2. What motivates me to keep pushing after hitting a wall?
3. In what direction is God directing my path at this point?

A Gift of Mercy

When I was going through my miscarriages, certain words sprung to mind. It is always very difficult for me to pray at these times and these words are what I clung to. After my third loss, I realized that all of the prayers had to do with mercy.

During my first loss, I was completely shocked and devastated. The only words that came to mind were, "Jesus, I trust in you." It took me almost a year before I made the connection that this was the prayer of Divine Mercy. For our second pregnancy, I made it all the way to 12 weeks. We saw the heartbeat and thought everything was going to be fine. But one Monday morning I woke up and found that I was spotting. I ran straight back to my bed and sobbed. The prayer that came out was, "God, have mercy on us!" After things started looking bad on the ultrasounds for our third baby, the words that came to mind were from Psalm 130, "Out of the depths I call to you, Lord; Lord, hear my cry!" When I looked up the rest of the psalm, I found that the following verse was "May your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy."

For a few months after my last loss, I have been pondering what God's message was to me regarding mercy. When I think of God's mercy, I usually think of forgiveness of sins; however, that was not the type of mercy that I associate with my losses. Instead, I was asking God to look on me in my suffering and to have compassion. To lift me out of the depths and transform my suffering.

I eventually had to ask my husband what insights he could take from my prayers. What followed were some of the most beautiful words about suffering and the gift of mercy. I actually pulled out a pen and paper and started taking notes! Here were some of his thoughts:

During times of suffering, we receive intuitions of God's closeness. We are more receptive to God's compassion because we can relate to Jesus' innocent suffering in the closest way possible. In our sufferings, we are raised up and brought into the mystery of God's love. The innocent are purified, raised up in suffering. When we are feeling at our lowest, we can use the words that Jesus prayed on the cross, "Father, into your hands I commend my spirit."

Mercy is revealed in suffering. The Father's mercy is always a suffering with, not standing extrinsic from the situation. The depths of our suffering can be reached by God – mercy is never far. We need this mercy and grace to be healed.

Until recently, I haven't done much thinking about God's mercy and how it relates to the suffering of infertility and miscarriage. In the times when I lost my babies, if you had asked me what I needed most from God, I probably would have said "peace" or "comfort." I find it interesting that my soul knew what my intellect did not. That God could not grant me peace of comfort in those times because grief cannot be covered – it must be worked through. Even Jesus grieved for Lazarus before raising him from the dead. My soul knew that I needed to pray for God's mercy. And in those hours of suffering, God lifted me up to experience His loving mercy – although it didn't relieve my suffering, it allowed me to experience a unity with the suffering Christ that I was unable to comprehend at the time.

"Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are trembling. In utter terror is my soul – and you, Lord, how long...? Turn, Lord, save my life; in your mercy rescue me." Psalm 6:3-5

 

"So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help." Hebrews 4:16

"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity." James 3:17

Reflection Questions

1. In what ways does God offer mercy?
   
2. How is God's mercy revealed in suffering?
   
3. What gifts have I received from God in unexpected times?
   

Three O' Clock Prayer to the Divine Mercy

You expired, O Jesus,
but the source of life gushed forth for souls
and an ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world.
O Fount of Life,
unfathomable Divine Mercy,
envelop the whole world
and empty Yourself out upon us.
O Blood and Water,
which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus
as a fount of mercy for us,
I trust in You.
Amen.

Slacking

When I first started this blog, I had hoped to post once a week. That was going well for a while, but this fall I obviously fell off the wagon. Work tends to be really busy for me in the fall with lots of travel and overtime. This fall was no different, and so posting once a week and commenting on everyone's blogs has not been happening. But I am still out here and doing well! I've been trying to keep up with everyone at least peripherally but haven't been able to do much commenting. I am hoping to get back on the bandwagon next week. You all remain in my thoughts and prayers even if I am a slacker! Happy Advent!

One of these Things is Not Like the Others

Sometimes we IFers stick out like a sore thumb. It can feel so obvious to us that we are different then the other people we interact with because of our IF.

Take a visit to the doctor's office. First off, the nurse pulls my file and it is 2-3 inches thick. And that is not because I have been a patient there for years or because I have had several pregnancies with this practice. No, I have been with the office for less than one year and have had no births. Then we go into the waiting area. Everyone else in the room is pregnant. They are happily thumbing through their pregnancy and parenting magazines and dutifully carrying their bottles of water. Then I walk in. Instead of carrying a magazine, I am carrying a thick black binder with all of my medical records and select research articles. I pull out something from work that I can proofread – no time for leisure reading – I am a career woman (ha ha!).

Or how about the last baptism I attended? While everyone else was smiling and sending warm thoughts during the blessing of the mother I was trying to hold back tears and wondering how I was going to look and act normal when this thing is over and we have to socialize. At the reception all the other women my age are quietly breastfeeding their babies or chasing around little ones. They barely have a chance to hold an adult conversation. Pan across the room and there I am, saddled up next to the bar and hanging out with all the guys in the room. (Yes, thankfully this baptism reception included an open bar!)

Then there is church. We are very blessed to go to an awesome church with faithful priests and laypeople. Our priests often preach about the good of family and having babies. On one hand it is great because you don't hear sermons like that in many churches these days. But I always feel a little awkward. When the priests talk about what a blessing children are and how couples should be open to it, I feel like everyone is staring at my husband and I and thinking, "I'm glad they're here to listen to this sermon." It's not that anyone in church ever says anything. They probably aren't thinking about us at all, but as I sit alone with my husband year after year, looking at all the families around me, I feel like we are sticking out like a sore thumb during those sermons.

Walking in Catholic circles, sometimes I feel like I want to wear a sign that proclaims, "I am not contracepting, I am infertile." We may feel like our lack of fertility makes us stand out from others, but I don't think people dwell on it as much as we think they do. A lot of our self-consciousness and feelings of not belonging are self-inflicted. Acquaintances are not necessarily judging us for being childless, just as we are not always judging them for the cars they drive, clothes they wear, jobs they have, or number of kids they've had. If we feel isolated from our old friends, we have to ask ourselves whether it is our friends isolating us, or if we are doing it to ourselves. Sure, there are certain things our friends are doing that we can't – like going to play groups or getting together in the middle of the day when we are working. And they may not be as good about keeping in contact with us as they used to be. But am I isolating myself from them as well? Am I still trying to keep in touch with my friends and planning get togethers at times that work for both our schedules? I know that I have lost contact with some of my friends because after they had kids, they stopped initiating contact and I felt like I was always the one having to reach out. Although our lives may be vastly different now, we still share a friendship.

Sometimes it is hard to be the one who is different, but everyone has something that they feel keeps them from fitting in. Maybe this experience is meant to teach us to reach out to others when they may feel uncomfortable or like they don't fit in. Hopefully that is not the only thing we going through this for, but at least maybe that is a small part of what we are supposed to be learning. J

Reflection Questions

1. How do I deal with feeling different from my friends and acquaintances?
   
2. Do I isolate myself from friends and family who have children?
   
3. How have friends and family shown their support for me during times of suffering?
   

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

"Thus says the Lord, cease your cries of mourning, wipe the tears from your eyes. The sorrow you have shown shall have its reward, says the Lord. There is hope for your future, says the Lord." Jeremiah 31:16-17

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4